No more Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, or Dr. Sean from "Survivor" for the time being. Just back to basic observations from yours truly to impart to you, the huddled masses.
Surveying the political and cultural landscape. we find----
1) According to Entertainment Weekly, all Best Actress Nominees at the Oscars will receive “bejeweled bra-and-thong set worth $5,000”. That’s right, don’t be fooled by the rocks that they got…UP THEIR ASS. C’mon, how many purposes is a diamond-encrusted thong simultaneously defeating? I can think of six off the top of my head and it’s nearly bedtime for me. This is just silly. I’m waiting personally for the Harry Winston WonderBra to have a breakout year on the red carpet.
2) That annoying guy from the Dell commercials got caught buying pot. And this surprises exactly three people, I’m estimating. Honestly, not one person looked at these commercials and said, “Oh, yea, this guy is completely on control of all his faculties.” I can see the witnesses now at the trail: “And he turned to me, and he said ‘Dude! You’re getting a dime bag!’”
3) In a step towards potential peace, Iraq today apparently has allowed the use of U-2 flights over it’s country for surveillance. When asked for comment, Bono said, “Well, OK, we’ll fly over, and long as we don’t have to play ‘New Year’s Day’, I’m really sick of that song.”
4) Normally I’d be coming down on Michael Jordan for being serenaded inexplicably by Mariah Carey during the halftime of his last All Star Game, but honestly, I don’t think he was minding terribly much.
Too...many....jokes....head...bursting...aaaaaaaiiiiiii.....narrow down...to three....
A) Sources are trying to confirm it was in fact Mariah there, but no one caught a look at her face.
B) Excuse me while I visit NBA.com to see if that outfit comes in Jenny’s size.
C) “Psst…Mariah....Four Seasons Hotel…Room 339…under ‘Greg Kite’.”
Approximately two of you got that last one, one of you may have even found it funny. *shrug*
5) Michael Jackson is piping hot mad over the fact that he has been apparently been manipulated by the media. Firstly, this guy is the least Pavlovian specimen to walk the earth. He's the human equivalent of the mice who always run into the electrified cage. Secondly, the image wizard on Mikey’s staff who allowed a BRITISH TABLOID REPORTER 8 months of unfettered access to Michael doing such bizarre things as feed a baby through a veil (who the hell’s his kid, Salome?) is simply making too much money. I swear this person must have a side gig working for the company contracted to construct the Big Dig. God forgive the man, clearly he is more screwy than a sorority girls’ orange juice. But really, if you’re gonna go on TV and blurt out that you love sleeping in the same bed as kids who are not your own, in this day and age, you deserve your next career move to be a starring role with Sarah Kozer in “Wanna Be Tyin’ Something” or “Don’t Stop Til You’ve Gagged Me Up”. Damn.