Whew, well that long national “What the hell is going on?” is finally over, as Tom Ridge et al have reduced the terror alert from orange to yellow. Those crying sounds you currently here are babies having duct tape ripped off their bodies by mothers who had taped their babies to the walls of their underground bomb shelters.
I’m giving the Homeland Security peeps 5 months before they turn into “The Branch That Cried Wolf”. Seriously. I’d love to compare it to buying your significant other a gift, and taunting them for weeks with vague clues about it. “You just MIGHT wanna check your mailbox on Tuesday….oooh, no reason why.” And then twiddle your thumbs without even trying to hide the smirk.
That---well, that’s fun. The Oak Ridge Boys are doing something far worse---they’re putting people on the edge of a nervous breakdown without a clue as to how to protect themselves except for that tried and true fix-it-all, duct tape. I’m sorry, but my house is so drafty and lopsided, that I could buy a few thousand yards of duct tape, seal myself in, and still be wondering where the draft is coming from. I can't imagine home many threats this country averts without our knowledge---I wanna go back to that veil of ignorance, if I may completely butcher a John Rawls concept for my own good here. Don’t tell me what might happen, just make sure it doesn’t happen. That’s why you have the guns and the Pantone-based color scheme.
Me, myself, and I---the three of us have tuned out. Anytime I hear the phrase “unspecified threat”, my eyes glaze over the way they do when someone starts blabbering about “Baby Story”. Just can’t be bothered. Things like, “Missile headed in your general direction, you might wanna think about being somewhere else in 2 hours…” I can handle and will respond accordingly---probably by babbling like a 3 year old, soiling myself, and running, but still---action will occur. Fear not.
The Boys are in a tough bind---God forbid something else happens on our soil and the terror alert hadn’t gone to all the colors Spaceball One hit while in Ludicrous Speed, but if they keep going with the “they might be something coming, but we can’t tell you, but try to cut off all oxygen sources if possible, and bring some food while you’re at it, or not…” then when a serious crisis hits, people will all be like me, not pay attention, and be taken by surprise. “Well, when they said we might be attacked by radioactive tomatoes, we thought it was just another way of keeping our interest. But lo, Flo got hit with one right between the eyes, and you’d be surprised what damage an isotope-laced tomato can do when dropped from 10,000 feet.”
I swear, the Homeland Security Team must be sponsored by Home Depot. “Lessee guys, what are we overstocked on? Duct tape? OK, we can work with that.” Just watch, the next time we go to level Orange, everyone’s gonna be encouraged to buy a radial arm saw, a bag of tacks, and a ball peen hammer.
From what my inside sources tell me, they were all ready to go to Yellow on Monday, but Art Garfunkel’s hair at the Grammys caused such a panic that the government had no choice but to postpone their announcement.
Is everyone else relieved by the news?