Well, it’s good to know, it this time of worldwide strife, that Hugh Grant has his priorities in order.
Bravely tackling the increasing likelihood of a sustained engagement of military action in Iraq, Grant boldly declared that he was sick of the acting business and wanted to just get married and have kids as soon as possible.
In response to the various human rights issues currently extant in this muddled war, Grant went on to tell Vanity Fair that he fell into acting by accident, and abhors film acting, the source of his incredible wealth, the most.
When asked how if he planned of helping with any of the anti-war protests of his fellow actors, Grant replied:
"I'm full of poison and jealousy…Virtually no milk of human kindness."
People on the war-torn streets of Baghdad applauded Grant’s use of Shakespeare. “He is sooo dreamy,” said Yousef Al-Allih. “I cannot wait to watch more of his movies once we are liberated.”
Recently freed POW Jessica Lynch was likewise emboldened by Grant’s words.
“Thank God I spent nine days captive in a dingy hospital for people like him,” said Lynch. “For a while, I was worried that my plight and efforts were going unnoticed by an uncaring world, but now, I know that all the sustained bouts of torture and subjugation to humiliation on Iraqi television was worth it.”
Grant stressed that the war would not change his newly employment-free existence alter his lifestyle, since, if he couldn’t be shagging supermodels and drinking Cristal, then the terrorists have already one.
"Put it this way," he said. "If I went to a party tonight and bumped into a fantastic girl, whereas 3 years ago it might have led to a short-term relationship, now I definitely keep my thoughts open to the idea of settling down. Definitely."
The star of such international hits as “Four Weddings and a Funeral”, “Notting Hill”, and “About a Boy” further demonstrated his ongoing mature concern for the world state by showing off his mix tape collection. He was quick to point out that songs like “Shake Your Rump” and “Bump Bump Bump” were now replaced by John Coltraine and Miles Davis, since, “Chicks my age tend to like that more, for some reason. They don’t like songs with ‘hump’, ‘bump’, or ‘rump’. It’s utter bollocks.”
Grant’s agent could not be reached for further comment, having stabbed, hung, and poisoned himself during the Grant interview. Tony Blair, when tracked down to President Bush's Camp David master bedroom, said, "Hugh? Hugh who? I don't know any Hugh. Anybody have a cigarette?"