Well, thanks to Jan Herman, I’ve just learned about a planned reality show called “Junior Idol”. Yup, “American Idol” for the under-16 set.
Personally, I can’t believe anyone auditioned for American Idol 2, since it’s not like the original winner and runner-ups have been blazing a path to stardom lately. (I think they all share a flat with the cast of “The Blair Witch Project”.)
Also, why has no one brought up the fact that Justin Guarini is the illicit love-child of Quddus and Carrot Top? Hello!!!! Just look:
This
plus this
equals this
OK, so moving on. I feel better now. Very cleansing.
I applaud the decision to start Junior Idol, because there just aren’t enough chances to emotionally scar children today. Despite the potential a typical dance recital, music performance, or sporting event has to utterly destroy a young person’s psyche, Junior Idol producers insist that, “….bringing the embarrassment to a national audience only increases the likelihood that the child’s failure will bring about a complete and utter mental shutdown lasting well into adulthood.”
Given the propensity of Fox to completely miss any and all criminal pasts of their contestants, I feel it necessary to do a bit of my own snooping around to see what kind of miscreants they’ve gathered up for this “Junior Idol” show. (Personally, it would be worth my hard-earned free time to watch a “Junior Billy Idol” show. Seriously. Eight year olds doing the sneer, the random punch of the air…priceless. And whatever happened to the girl from the “Cradle of Love” video? Anybody got a number for her? What? I digress? Oh yes.)
That digression has proved fortuitous, as my spies in the far-reaching corners have found some dirt on these would be idols. Just check this short list:
Cathy Henderson, Springfield, IL: Stole her sister’s Malibu Barbie dollhouse
Tim Methenson, Austin, TX: Gave someone a wedgie in the sandbox
Randy Epstein, Boston, MA: Broke up with Cindy Ferguson after reading a note from her which declared “I LUV U 4 EVA”
Lisa Brookman, Santa Monica, CA: Started cult, killed 400 people
Larry Wickman, Seattle, WA: Insisted “Artemis Fowl” series’ superiority to “Harry Potter” series
Cindy Ferguson, Boston, MA: Shot and killed Tim Methenson in cold blood in Harvard Square after his rejection of her LUV 4 EVA
Clara Morris, Topeka, KS: Won't stop singing "A Moment Like This"
Should be an interesting season, indeed.
Posted by Ryan McGee at April 03, 2003 01:03 PM