OK, so Tim threw this article my way, detailing “Ten Signs She’s Not Interested”. So I read it, but it’s pretty lame. I was hoping for some great insight or something, you know, like they give in Cosmo Girl. Not that I read, um, Cosmo Girl.
But “tips” like, “She doesn't listen to you”, “She is happily married”, aren’t really rocket science tips. What about real signs she’s not interested?
10. She changes her phone number just to spite you.
You call a few times, and you’re all, like, “Yo baby, whassup”, and she can’t figure out how you got her number, and then you remind her that in a drunken stupor, she wrote it on a napkin, and wasn’t smart enough to give you a false one, and she’s all, “I hate you, go away,” and you’re all, “You’re so hot when you play hard to get”, and then, like eleven times after this same thing happens, she changes her number.
Yea. She’s not interested.
9. She sends hit men over to your house.
You think things are going well. Then Tony the Fish takes out your kneecaps. Chances are, Melinda wasn’t as into you as you thought.
8. She agrees to meet you for a date, but gives you directions to “take a long walk off a short pier” and find her there.
You might be excited, thinking you’re up for some snorkeling. Turns out, she’s at home watching Trading Spaces and mocking you.
7. She repeatedly says, “I hate your patriarchal, phallocentric guts.”
Dude, stop trying to date Wellesley chicks. It ain’t happenin’.
6. She keeps taking you shopping with her.
She’s trying to drive you slowly insane. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit of the mall with your wallet and sanity still in check.
5. She keeps sleeping with your roommate and showing you the sex tapes they make.
When she says, “I’m going to get a glass of water” and comes back 20 minutes later, sans water, and smelling like your roommate's cologne, it’s what experts call a “really bad sign, yo”.
4. She re-hires Tony the Fish to “finish the job off”.
If physical therapy has done its trick from the previous encounter, just run. Do not look back. Do not collect go. Do not collect $200. If not, I pray your wheelchair is electric. Boogie oogie oogie.
3. Her name is Jennifer Lopez.
ABORT MISSION! ABORT! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!
2. She keeps saying things like, “God, I wish you were powered by D cells too…” while you’re trying to have sex.
Know what? The Spice Channel is cheaper per month than one date with that emasculating psycho, and the Spice Channel will never tell you that your mama didn’t none raise you right.
1. She tells you that you’re a “great guy”.
Better known as “The Kiss of Death”. Just take out a personal ad that second, guys. Get back on the hunt. This girl has left you already. She’s possibly already shagging a guy less great as we speak.
Anyone else wanna chime in with some tell-tale signs?