On any given day, I get about 200 emails. Most just ask me where I’d like my Russian bride delivered. A few emails, however, have actual import. Take this sterling example:
“Ryan, You piece of crap. If I don’t get my child support payments by the end of the month…”
Oh. Whoops. Wrong one. Oh, here it is.
“I need some help in translating Girl into standard English.”
At first I thought the person wanted me to parse the haunting beauty of the second track of Tori Amos’ “Little Earthquakes” album, but no, he just wanted a simple female-to-English translation.
Now, I’m no expert on the “why” of this type of translation, but I do have plenty of empiric evidence to back up the following translations. Plenty of visceral evidence, as well. Kicked shins. Eye rolls directed in my direction. Heavy sighs inspired by my simple existence. And so forth.
So, I thought I’d start work on a handy pocket phrase book that will lead wayward travelers in Gaia-Land to a better understand of the complex and often misleading lingual structures of the Female.
Play at home! I make gender relations fun!
Phrase: “Does this make me look fat?”
Translation: “Would you like your beatdown now, or a few days later when I bring up your answer long after you thought you were in the clear?”
Phrase: “Can I ask you a question? And be honest.”
Translation: “I’m gonna say something, and by golly, you best agree at the first opportunity or we’re putting on a non-Equity production of ‘Lysistrata’ for the next few days round here.”
Phrase: “I really value our friendship.”
Translation: “Keep all anatomical structures which are currently hidden in their present status for the rest of eternity in my presence.”
Phrase: “Why can’t there be more guys like you?”
Translation: “Why are you gay?”
Phrase: “I have this friend who’s simply perfect for you!”
Translation: “We’re all sick of her bitching about being single, and we need to pawn her off. I’ll give you money for liquor. C’mon, take one for the team.”
Phrase: “I appreciate that you tried to actually help me when I asked for help.”
Translation: Aha! Trick question! No woman has ever said this. Give yourself five extra bonus points if you answered this correctly.
OK, that’s a good start. I’m here early making deadline, and so will leave the continuation of the list in your capable hands. Like Mr. Gaye once said, let’s get it on.