Hi.
Oh, hey Self.
What’s the dillio?
Oh, you know. Sippin’ some coffee. Trying to stay awake.
Long week?
I’m tellin’ ya, these bones ain’t getting’ any younger. There’s a reason I can’t both blog and do theatre.
Do tell.
I did tell. Look up above.
Ah, true. What happened to your busy work day?
Still busy, with a lull in the middle. Filled it with contemplation and caffeine.
And how’s that working out?
Well, the former seems to counteract the latter.
Enjoying the dance show at least?
Seeing a great lighting cue is always a great thing. Knowing you had a hand in creating an emotional architecture for performers to inhabit was always what kept bringing me back.
I’m sensing a “but”.
Well, you would, in that you’re me.
Excellent observation.
It’s just easy to fall back into old habits, old patterns. And you know you’re enjoying it, topically speaking, surface-wise, etc. But something in you knows it’s different this time around.
How so?
You know. Knowing you’re not disliked, but only really around as a commodity. Serving a purpose. Rather than feeling, like I once did, as part of the creative whole pushing the piece of art forward. Sort of a hired gun. On the outside. So on and so forth. Getting along great with people, but only having them call you around to their place because you can do something that they can’t do themselves.
I see. So you’ve been a fireball of rage while there?
Oh, no. Not at all. It’s like most things these days---a healthy dose of apathy goes a long way.
What do you mean?
Well, I’ve been there, done that, wrote the book and did the signing tour on the “woe is me, why does everyone care less about me than I do about them, blah frickin’ blah” and so forth. Just annoying, both from an internal and I’m sure external perspective. Have had enough, “Let’s sit down and discuss why you affect me in a negative way” sessions to last me a lifetime, and that’s only been since March.
So what’s this "healthy dose" business?
Well, like I told someone yesterday, it’s all about positioning yourself in a way that neither gets your expectations or cynicism too high. All about the conversation of energy.
So like, you just sit down and fix your chi?
Well, I don’t believe in chi, so no. Not really talking about lack pf physical exertion so much as mental exertion. It’s about getting over issues of “Grog good” or “Grog bad”, if we were talking about my friend, Caveman Grog, and his relative moral worth. It’s about realizing who and/or what is worth my energies. Figuring out a relatively sane level of self-worth, maintaining it, and by extension, realizing where I can direct my energies.
So basically figuring out who or what is as cool as you?
Yup.
Tall order. You freakin’ rock.
No kidding, huh?
Moron.
Well, that too. Point being, Old Ryan (and by “Old” I mean “a few weeks ago, even”) might have flipped his lid on Monday night at rehearsal, but instead just semi-grinned and went with the flow. And trying to apply similar techniques to other people and/or events. Trying to put a filter between myself in the world. It’s a very Brita-esque existence, but so far, so good. A work in progress.
Does it feaure a lot of sentence fragments?
Might be an unfortunate side effect.