OK, these rundowns are always the most fun and most challenging things I write. Basically it’s an endurance test, where I’m racing against both the clock and Carpal Tunnel.
To prepare adequately, I got myself a super sized Double Quarter Pounder meal at McDonald’s, primarily for the 460 ounce cup that comes with it. I had to take a cab home and store that bad boy in the trunk. While, there, I noticed a huge pin-up display for the McGriddle, proudly boasting that, “The taste of maple syrup is baked right in!”
Not actual maple syrup, mind you. Merely the taste of it. That’s plain lazy. I’m sure it would have been more cost effective to simply buy out Aunt Jemima, but no, they killed a few thousand puppies to get the simulated taste of what’s essentially sugar from a tree. Fine. Little known fact: they localize the advertisements for the McGriddle. I noticed last weekend in Greenwich Village a sign for the McGriddle that proudly boasted that, “The taste of ‘Take Your Damn Cigarettes Outside’ is baked right in!”
OK, I missed the beginning of the pre-show, so let’s catch the pre-show mid-action, with Sean Paul onstage:
6:50 pm: OK, someone has to tell Sean Paul that the chick from “Temptation Island” ruined cornrows for all of us.
6:56 pm: Sweet Mary Mother of God. Christina Aguilera killed the flamingos from “Fantasia 2000” and is wearing their skins. That ain’t right.
6:59 pm: In a cost-cutting synergistic measure, Gideon Yago has been groomed to look exactly like Joel Stein. The world didn’t need both of them anyway.
7:01 pm: Everyone’s favorite duo, Avril Lavigne and Kelly Osbourne. Looks like at any moment John Norris is gonna clip Avril with his collar. Kelly actually just said, regarding the giant bobble heads created in the likeness of celebrities: “They are realistic…in a cartoonistic way.” These diaries just write themselves, sometimes.
7:03 pm: Jessica Simpson has arrived, and she wants the world to know she has breasts. That’s one to grow on, people. And speaking of one to grow on, Jessica Simpson has breasts.
7:12 pm: OK, a mock contest weighing in on the relative merits of Eminem and 50 Cent. Carson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” just called 50 Cent “Chocolate Thunder”. So for all of you waiting for “Queer Eye” Season 2, you can stop holding your breath, because 50 Cent’s about to start a new show: “Popping a Cap in Carson’s Ass”.
7:14 pm: Kim Catrell is inexplicably in this Eminem/50 Cent montage. She’s like, the hottest 84 year old ever. I can’t even believe she’s the girl in “Mannequin”. That came out in 1926, I think.
7:18 pm: Speaking of Kims, will ‘Lil Kim’s name go the way of (The Artist Formerly Known as ‘Lil) Bow Wow? Not really the same ring to it. Hard to get the party started by saying, “Ladies and gentleman….KIM!” Doesn’t work. OK, I’ll stop now.
7:20 pm: Does anyone know who actually nominates and/or votes on these awards? My theory is that MTV just goes out to an Arby’s at like 3 am and finds a few drunk people. It makes as much sense as any other theory.
7:28 pm: By my counting, roughly 87 awards have already been given out, with all of the flair of Gary Cole in “Office Space”: “So yeaaaaaah, Coldplay wins for ‘Best Direction’…that’d be greeeeaaaat, thanks.” Other categories to have come and gone: “Best Choreography”, “Best Alternative”, and “Best Spraying of Cristal on a Stripper”
7:30 pm: You know, nothin’ but love for the Black Eye Peas, but this “Where’s the Love?” song makes me want to kick a puppy. I don’t know where the love is, but I know where I’d like my foot to be.
7:34 pm: Declaring it here and now: I’m taking “5 months” in the office pool for “How long until Fred Durst is Upper Right on Hollywood Squares?”.
7:37 pm: Ahh, commercial break. Let’s do some channel surfing. On VH1, we’ve got “I Love the 80’s”. Ah, it’s Hal Sparks making fun of Milli Vanilli. Let’s flip some more. Ahh, VH1 Classic is showing “I Love the 1880’s”. Ah, it’s Hal Sparks making fun of Hull House and the formation of the Standard Oil Trust.
7:40 pm: Hey look, Coldplay is being interviewed. For those of you who don’t know, Coldplay is made of up of Chris Martin…and um, three others guys not named Chris Martin.
7:42 pm: Kurt Loder is interviewing Metallica. Lars Ulrich vows to not stop fighting until Napster is offline. The rest of the guys (and Pocahontas, their new bass player) look on wearily. I think James Hetfield just mistook Gideon Yago for a Heineken and drank him. Whoops. Best get Stein off unemployment.
7:45 pm: OK, this can’t be topped. John Norris just called Ludacris “Luda” without being ironic and asked him “how many G’s” his coat set him back. OK, John, enough’s enough. Isn’t this why we have Homeland Security? To take out people who are harmful to my way of life? If John Norris has a job next year, then the terrorists have already won.
7:55 pm: Show’s about to start. 460 ounce Diet Coke? Check. Fifth of Bacardi placed next to it? Check. Gotta be prepared. I’m like a Boy Scout that way. And a Boy Scout leader in others. But that’s for an entirely different day.
8:00 pm: They’ve recreated the original set for Madonna’s 1984 “Like a Virgin” performance. A veiled woman appears atop the cake. Lessee…amazingly off-key voice, sounds a bit like she’s out of breath already…hey, it’s Britney Spears/ She doesn’t even have to take the veil off for me to know that.
8:02 pm: She’s joined onstage by Christina Aguilera. Yes, these two are singing “Like a Virgin”. The enitre country shouts at their television: “How the HELL would you know?”
8:03 pm: Madonna appears. Furthering understanding and smashing stereotypes, the cameras cut immediately to the cast of “Queer Eye”. I’m watching Jai’s temple burst from excitement on live television.
8:04 pm: So let me get this straight: Madonna co-opted these two girls, put them in skanky wedding dresses, and then MAKES OUT with them? Whew. For a second I thought Madonna was doing all this as a desperate attempt at relevance, clinging onto her last 5 minutes of fame as if a wounded tiger, but I was wrong.
8:05 pm: History may shed light on what Missy was doing out there, but personally, I’m at a loss.
8:06 pm: Well, that was weird. Kinda like MTV's version of "The Balcony". Moving on...
8:07 pm: Rather than review Chris Rock’s monologue, I’m gonna give you my very own “Make Up Chris Rock Jokes In Your Own House” instruction manual. And I won't even charge you. Here goes.
- Think of any topic. This is your opening line of the joke.
- Then, repeat it, up to 3 times.
- Then, state something in the news about it. Pause unnecessarily, as if you lost your train of thought. Say it again.
- Try to overemphasize the word “never”.
- Then say, “Know what they’ll be saying next?”
- Then, give a verbal ellipsis.
- At this point, you hunch over, squint, and bark the joke in a monotone while gritting your teeth.
Works without fail. Let’s imagine he’s talking about his movie, “Head of State”. Here’s a joke, using this template above.
“Head of State” came out this year. “Head of State”. Oooh, boy, “Head of State”. I should have NEVER agreed to do that movie. Never shoulda done that movie. Never EVER. Know what they’ll be saying next? … “Maybe next time, you’ll try for the whole body so people will actually come see it.”
Easy as pie.
8:18 pm: Best Rap Video category. Here’s a test: which of the following names is doing its own thing: Snoop Dogg, Pharell, and…Uncle Charlie Wilson?
8:21 pm: Missy Elliot’s “Work It” wins. Excellent. It’s good to see proper recognition for a song that deals with one of the most pressing problems today: the economy. Missy’s cry for job creation and economic stimulus packages is to be commended. What? It’s not about that? What is it about? Oh. Um. Nevermind then.
8:28 pm: Hey, when did MTV switch over to the Carver High Battle of the bands? Oh, nevermind. It’s just Good Charlotte onstage. I guess the more accurate name “Suck Charlotte” didn’t take. These guys make Green Day look like the second coming of The Clash. Hell, they make the opening number of tonite’s show look like the second coming of The Clash.
8:31 pm: I really hope I’m wrong, but I swear the animation for the “Best R+B Video” intro featured octopi having sex. I lost track after #54 on how many ways that was wrong.
8:37 pm: Did you see the size of the condom in that Trojan Spoken Word commercial? OK, about 10 million inferiority complexes were born. That thing would be too big for my leg, nevermind my…in fact, nevermind. This part of the diary never happened.
8:41 pm: More awards that were announced during the pre-show: “Best Use of An Artist Currently in Prison”, “Best Jailbait Video”, and “The Only Five Songs in Rotation Not Produced by Timbaland or The Neptunes”.
8:48 pm: Redman’s atop a rising platform. He obviously doesn’t remember this happening in rehearsal. He’s praying for a clue. Oh, this is sad. He’s looking for a part of the set that can be used as a bong.
8:49 pm: Wait, Christina AGAIN? Didn’t we already fulfill our community service requirement during the first number? What in the hell is going on?
8:51 pm: We’ve segued into “Fighter”, featuring Dave Navarro on guitar. Hey, call him a sell-out if you want, but nothing’s gonna change that fact that later on tonight he’s gonna see Carmen Electra naked and you’re not.
8:53 pm: I actually caught myself singing along to this little ditty: “Thanks for making your clothes…TIGHTER!”
9:00 pm: Oh, bloody hell. The MTV2 Award. Time for the Bacardi.
9:10 pm: P. Diddy wants us to pay respect to the memory of Barry White and Gregory Hines. He also announces that his next single will feature Barry White singing over Hines’ tapdancing featuring a special verse from Notorious B.I.G. and a guitar solo from Robert Johnson.
9:18 pm: Whoa. Watching 50 Cent try to make an acceptance speech is a little like watching a 2nd grader freeze up in his/her first school play. Only the 2nd grader in this case is completely high.
9:21 pm: We’re nearly 90 minutes into the show, and no Enrique sightings yet. So far, so good.
9:22 pm: My crush on the lead singer of The Donnas is so overwhelming that it threatens my ability to write the rest of this review. I feel like the characters on “Angel” after Jasmine appeared last season and…OK, no one knows what I’m talking about. Moving on.
9:27 pm: It’s everyone’s favorite home game: “Watch the FCC Catch All the Swear Words in 50 Cent’s Performance”. This man’s dropping F bombs the way my college roommate dropped his pants at cast parties
9:31 pm: You know, I have the sneaking suspicion that some of these “pimps” onstage will take some of these “hos” with them once the show is over. I just don’t wanna know which ones, is all I’m saying. Ignorance is bliss. I don’t want any first-hand accounts from 34th and Broadway later on tonite. This is my own personal "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
9:40 pm: You know, Jimmy Fallon gives me hope that a guy who can’t actually speak clearly can have a future in the entertainment world. Shouldn’t “enunciation” be a prerequisite in being selected to talk to millions of people? Am I nuts?
9:40 pm: “Black Eye for the Queer Guy”. Love to see intolerance broadcast to millions. Did I mention I don’t like Jimmy Fallon?
9:41 pm: Well, the Fab Five didn’t jump Beyonce, so I guess they are in fact gay. “Would you jump Beyonce?” is in fact one of the litmus tests of one’s sexuality. I have a book somewhere on this. And no, you can’t see it.
9:42 pm: Mark the time and date well, ladies and gentleman. The first “Donkey Punch” joke in the history of MTV. This will be on the next edition of “Trivial Pursuit”, mark my words. (If you have to ask what a “donkey punch” is, you’re not ready for the answer.)
9:50 pm: OK, I’m just gonna say this and move on: Jack Black is the guy that everyone pretended Chris Farley was. Man’s just amazing. Can’t wait for “The School of Rock”. I’d pay $10 to watch this guy read the phone book.
9:51 pm: If you can watch the video for “Seven Nation Army” and not vomit, you’re got a better stomach than I do.
9:53 pm: Linkin Park stuns the crowd and wins “Best Rock Video”. Stuns them because everyone appears to have assumed they had already disbanded. (My only guess here is that the same demographic that eats at Arby’s also likes Linkin Park.) Our attentions spans are so short that MTV has planned to do the intro number as the closing one and is counting on no one noticing.
9:55 pm: Wow, here’s a first. DMX actually showed up for the VMAs.
10:00 pm: Duran Duran, Kelly Osbourne, and Avril Lavinge. Or, as I like to call them, “The Supergroup That Nobody Asked For, Nobody Wants, and Really, It Would Make Most People More Comfortable If You Just Left Quickly”.
10:02 pm: The audio won’t work on the Duran Duran video montage. There’s a message in here somewhere, I can feel it.
10:04 pm: In the “Best Dance Video”, Mya is nominated for a song called, “My Love is Like…Wo”. Little known fact: the song was originally written by Joey Lawrence while on “Blossom”.
10:06 pm: Just making sure...Chris Rock is stilling hosting the show, right? He didn't get kidnapped or something? Where the hell is he?
10:14 pm: Gotta love Coldplay. For one, they make intelligent, melodic, heartfelt rock. Sounds easy, but obviously it is not. Secondly, the lead singer makes not shaving look sexy, and I’m all about that. I get 5 o’clock shadow before lunch, is what I’m saying.
10:15 pm: The side of the piano says “Make Trade Fair”. I hear you, Coldplay. This one time, this kid’s all, “Yo, I want your Nomar rookie card”, and I’m like, “Dude, what will you give me for it?” And like, it was a Trot Nixon, a Paul O’Neil, and a Moises Alou he was offering me. And I said, “Duuude, make trade fair!” And then he gave me a dead-arm. And I ran home crying. And Mommy made me hot chocolate. And yea, flashback’s over.
10:20 pm: Only Justin Timberlake could sell be authentically sad at getting to have sex with that incredibly brunette bombshell with the lower-back tattoo in “Cry Me a River”. Most of us can only hope to look at a picture of this woman, nevermind let us VIDEOTAPE HAVING SEX WITH HER. All in a day’s work for JT, tho.
10:22 pm: Oh hell. I’m trying to get my hate on for Justin, and he gives props to Johnny Cash. I’ll give him credit for that. (For all the hype around the Cash version of “Hurt”, it exceeds what anyone can write about it. Just a mind-blowing piece of film. Almost as good as “Shake ya Tailfeather”. Almost.)
10:25 pm: OK, I got the jump cut from Madonna to the “Queer Eye” guys, but why the Pamela Anderson Lee---“Queer Eye” cut? Did I miss something?
10:28 pm: The “Oh, No He Didn’t” Moment of the night: Obie Trice is co-opting the logo from the show “Cheers” for his upcoming album? That’s it. Where’s my gun? This demands action.
10:35 pm: Beyonce accidentally has wandered into a bad college modern dance piece and is now surrounded by a bunch of dude covered head to toe in black. More than a bit odd. Next up: girls dancing around in pillowcases, just watch.
10:37 pm: So, lemmee get this straight: they bleep out the word “blunt” but do a loving, up-close-and-personal, 25-girl ass-shaking pan with the camera, so close I know what kind of wax they got this morning? American morals, people. They’re faaaaaaaaaantastic.
10:39 pm: Has Beyonce sung more than eight notes live over these three songs? I feel like I’m watching a hip-hop version of “Enter the Dragon”. It’s disconcerting. I hear her voice, but here lips aren’t moving.
10:45 pm: Anyone else think that Britney Spears and Madonna have just been making out backstage for the last 3 hours, hoping someone would notice? Just me then? OK.
10:53 pm: OK, I tuned out of the Adam Sandler/Snoop intro to “Best Video” skit after the 134th “-izzle”.
10:57 pm: Missy wins, and graciously gets off the back lot where she’s apparently filming “Caddyshack 3”. What in the HELL is that outfit about?
11:01 pm: Metallica just played 30-second instrumental versions of Lenny Kravitz’s “Are You Gonna Go My Way?”, Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army”, and Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”. I don’t even need to put a joke here, do I? Like shooting fish in a barrel.
11:03 pm: Right about now, Jason Newsted is looking like the smartest man in America. The dude is Mensa-level brilliant.
10:04 pm: James Hetfield keeping screaming, “The search goes on…” No kidding. The search for the people who thought this was a good way to end the show. Makes me long to see Axl try and simultaneously “sing” and “not die”.
And on that note I’ll bring the review to a close. Hope you enjoyed it. And hey, they are already rerunning it; maybe i'll try and see what I missed the first time.
Naaah.