September 11, 2003
Making a List, Checkin' It Twice

Well, that’s enough sad-bastard self-examination for one week, huh? I almost charged myself a per-hour fee at one point.

Now, I don’t generally buy into any self-help BS. Yea, it works for some people, but not so much for me. I can usually see my way out of most problems, whether they be emotional (end of a relationship, fight with a friend) or physical (trapped in a well, chased by a swarm of locusts). Doesn’t always mean I can get there right away, but I can usually figure out some solution.

The path is clear, but the steps are not. And the steps aren’t always even conscious ones. And you look back and you’re surprised to see the steps you’ve taken. Kind of like a bizarre version of that “Family Circus” where they show the path that PJ took to get a cup of sugar for his mom. You know, that dash-line path where he cuts through the Andersons’ yard, over a swing-set, through a flaming pit filled with various demons threatening to fangoriously devour his souls, cuts through a demilitarized zone in Bosnia, kills Arlo and Janis, gets into a race war with the cast of “The Boondocks”, and finally adopts Marmaduke as his “Champion of Evil”. And the Mom looks at the newly christened AntiChrist and says, “Now, where’s my cup of sugar, you little munchkin?” And becomes the first victim of PJ’s New World Order.

It’s sort of like that, is what I’m saying.

But we’re not gonna focus on the unknown today. Wouldn’t be a very interesting entry if the thesis was “Yea, that’s weird, huh? Oh well.” Not that I haven’t used that thesis, say, every other week, but not today. Today we’re gonna focus on one technique I’ve heard works for some people. (And no, “coveting your neighbor’s underage daughter” is NOT a “technique”; it’s a “potential felony”. I know it’s a slippery slope, but yo, get a real hobby.)

Many people use daily affirmations of some sort to remind them of what’s good in their lives. OK, not my general cup of tea, but I’m all about exploring new and exciting areas of “not feeling like complete crap”. And since tomorrow is a work day, the usual “drink until watching ‘The Mullets’ sounds like a good idea” is right out.

So there I was, pencilling out a list during tonite’s episode of "Smackdown!" Random order of things. Hardly in a cascading list of importance. But I thought I’d share a few of these with you, and the occasional exposition when necessary. Maybe this will inspire a few of you to look deep within. Or deep within the medicine cabinet to get the Rolaids. Hard to tell.

  • Radiohead’s “Hail to the Thief”
  • Nick Hornby novels
  • The tired feeling after a long run
  • That episode of “Bugs Bunny” where he tortures the opera singer
  • The smell of gasoline (but only sometimes…other times it smells like the gaseous form of angst)
  • Flannel boxer shorts
  • Pint glasses
  • When you can hang a poster perfectly even on the first try
  • When the cops can’t smell the liquor on your breath (you can substitute "crystal meth" for “liquor” here…or “freshly killed tourist”)
  • Full moons (we’re talking lunar, not “frat guy during initiation”)
  • Willow Rosenberg
  • Every time Jennifer Garner drunk dials me
  • When you wake up one minute before your alarm clock goes off, and somehow you form an instant, antagonistic relationship with said clock, and you grin an evil (albeit sleepy) grin and mentally tell that clock that it’s your bitch and you’ve won this round
  • Phil Collins ballads (pre-1988) (look, I like “One More Night”, sue me)
  • This one time, at band camp…
  • The fact that I can randomly burst into dance at work, and no one even looks twice anymore
  • Emails from the Commander (except for the ones where he asks for his underwear back…look, that fact that I snuck into his room in the middle of the night and wore them on my head as a protective womb to keep the bed bugs away last time in NYC makes them mine…you just have to deal, Foley)
  • Every time Michael Vartan drunk dials me
  • “Calvin and Hobbes” compilation books
  • Pablo Neruda, Edna St. Vincent Millay, and Rainer Maria Rilke
  • “I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Mother's Heart” by The White Stripes
  • Girls who say things like “I’m a former gymnast” (substitute “Fly Girl”, “Miss Teen Flexibility”, or “short-order cook” for "gymnast" as you see fit)
  • Spontaneous sing-alongs at bars with 50 strangers suddenly united, indivisible, under one Bon Jovi
  • The 11/21/98 version of “Mike’s Song” by Phish
  • The smile on a child’s face (before I push him out of the way and take my rightful place at the head of the water-slide line)
  • Every time Pablo Neruda drunk dials me

So that’s my quick list…feel free to add your own here on “Feel Good Days in the Velvet Sea"...

Posted by Ryan McGee at September 11, 2003 10:45 PM