Have this little confession to make. Yea, wasn’t always so good at hiding things from you. Part of the problem, really. Saying too much. Things you maybe knew but didn’t “know”. Things you didn’t wanna hear. Things I’d occasionally scream as you blocked your ears. Trying to shout meaning into your brain.
Happy times.
So yea, why not retread a bit, shall we? Old times sake. Very “Behind the Music”. Very reunion tour. We’ll get the middle slot, between REO Speedwagon and Styx. Maybe an opening gig for Foreigner. Who knows? Then again, there might not be room on the bill for “Guy Tries to Figure Out Why Something So Good Ended So Quickly While Girl Looks Alternatingly Despondent, Annoyed, and Like She Thought This Was Already Discussed”. Not really an easy name to slip on the cover of a compact disc, I feel. I’m no expert, though. About music, sure. Just not about what I’m trying to get at. Watch your step, and pardon the punctuation.
So here goes, this confession of mine. You ready? Funny, here I am, years later, and I still wonder if I have your attention or not. I didn’t know anymore then than now, and then I had the advantage of usually being in the same room as you. Still, I never knew. I thought I did. Well, hoped, to be more accurate. Always felt I was fifteen minutes away from losing your interest. I was a Warholian boyfriend. If you’d indeed ever refer to me in any conversation as a former boyfriend. Or even refer to me at all.
OK, dancing around the issue. Always dancing. Filling the aural (or, in this case, epistolary) void with white noise posing as conversation. I’m trying to remember it now…that pose. You always established that certain pose when you’d settle into your “Oh Christ, he’s going to try to understand why things aren’t perfect between us” state of mild contempt for my existence. You put up with it, because by and large you’re not a cruel person. I don’t think so, anyways. Would like very much to think that. You couldn’t flat out tell me to go to hell, and that by and large is a very commendable quality, I am man enough to admit that. Give me that or its foil of an option and I’ll take you any day of the week.
Yours is not the only letter I’ve written this week, nor will it be the last.
There, there’s my confession. No intro, no warning, just…there. You’re probably familiar with the technique. I perfected it years ago with you. Using it now because your absence has a presence so large that I can’t ignore it. Need to confront it. Confront you. Not get rid of you, though. Can’t do that. A lot of people in my shoes might wish they could, but you’re just as much what makes me what I am as every great thing that’s happened. I can’t come to terms with you, because, as is already obvious, my poor lingual aptitude can’t find the “terms” to do so. Not about forgiving. Certainly not about forgetting. That’s impossible.
You’re part of the weight of my life that I carry on a day-to-day basis. I’m just here, writing letter after letter, figuring out the best way to bear that load. Not about answers. It’s about living, plain and simple. Nothing was simple that night, tho.
Winter. Frost on the window panes. Pale blue Christmas lights poorly strung along the wall, dipping and rising like a roller coaster designed by a man with no depth perception. Didn’t matter, much, though. Wasn’t too focused on the architecture. More concerned with the glow it cast upon your cheekbones. Your eyes were closed. You were focused intently on the Massive Attack CD you wanted me to listen to. It’s why I was there, after all. You had told me that you wanted me to hear some records, and, well, I wanted to hear some records. Didn’t hurt that you were a lithe 5’9’’. Love to pretend that I’m above such shallow measures, but c’mon, very few of us are.
You were nowhere near 5’9’’ that night, tho, pale blue skin draped in a thin sweater and white pants, eyes closed, slightly swaying next to your couch, on the floor. 18’’ inches separated our knees. A slight smile crept over your face during the bridge of one song, during a chord change you really liked. Your hand slipped unknowingly from your knee to mine, and you finally opened your eyes. Blue light danced in your pupils. Smiling a bit more, you scooted over and laid your head against my chest, slipping into my frame in a way so effortless that it took be a bit by surprise.
Somewhere between the sixth and seventh stroke of your hair, I fell in love with you.
Somewhere between the sixth and seventh day later, you were gone.
In between is still a blur. Sort of a slide show of moments. Cheeks pressed together in a coffee shop, hands over each others chest, feeling the ridiculously face pace of each other’s hearts. Waking up, spooning, not sure where my body ended as your began. The way you’d let your hair fall that you knew drove me nuts. And tears. Tears coupled with screaming. All in less than 144 hours. Pretty productive week, from an outsider's perspective.
The space that your body once filled seemed to overwhelm me. As if I were drowning in it. Suffocating. I had done something to ruin something so special and now I paid for that sin in oxygen deprivation. Lot of Massive Attack played in my room, the soundtrack to my masochism. Lots of phone calls to you, a lot of “starting off sad and quiet, shoot straight into Angry Accusation Land, and regress into apologies, and could we meet for coffee and try to work this out?” And you, well, I don’t blame you for taking me up on my caffeinated excursion. Perfectly reasonable. About the only part of this I can to this day apply any reason to.
I feel your absence now, more than I have in years. Was gone for quite a while, but I’ve felt it recently, like a cold wind on the back of my neck. Just a slight breeze, but enough all the same. Easy enough to make my bed in the morning and see the imprint your body would make from the night before, sleeping on your left side. Sometimes, the sheets conspire to rearrange themselves in a similar fashion for me lately. Just me, though. You won’t be walking back form the bathroom in one of my t-shirts anytime soon.
I’m not here to seek answers from you, don’t worry about that. Not looking for you to write me back. Call me up, send me an e-card, any of that stuff. I used to hound you for answers. “Why?” Must have asked that to you a few thousand times in the months after our 7-day courtship. Maybe through a “but” before it a few hundred times. Who knows. No one could figure it out, no one. Least of all you. My friends couldn’t get it, either. Just a fling, right? What’s the big? You thought you might, but you didn’t, so we weren’t.
There is no “why”. There’s no reason, no sense, to any of it. You were the first thing I couldn’t reason my way out of, and the less successful I was, the harder I tried to overcome it. Pretty simple. You have a problem, you find the solution. The solution. There must be one, right? Every problem has an answer. Some are just trickier to locate.
With you…well, you’re a riddle inside of a conundrum inside Fort Knox. Or, more accurately, the emotions involved are. Can’t get at them. They defy you. Sit there, in plain sight, but untouchable. Untenable. Still sitting here in the room with me. One of them just offered me a soda. But won’t offer me any insight.
So intense. So finite. Over before I realized it had even begun, with only a pain in my chest signalling despair. You were out of my life just as I realized you were what I wanted. Pale blue slipping into navy and into black. Gone.
I can’t erase you from the history of my life. Don’t want to, anyways. Not interested, which is lucky, since it’s impossible. You wrote me as much as I in some small way probably you’re the “you” that’s reading this letter. I can’t change the past anymore than I can understand it. I can relate events, but not plumb the depths. Thought I had a clue, occasionally, but got smacked right dab back where I started. Ground zero.
There are nights when I still miss you. Nights I still hate you. Nights I raise a glass amongst friends who were there, in your name. (Usually, a shot. Hope you don’t mind. You were always a white wine kinda gal.) In that respect, very little has changed. Sure, the skin’s a little tougher, the perspective’s a little broader, the distance between us is greater.
Still, I’ll never be really far from your pale blue skin. It haunts me, it comforts me, it’s as much a part of me as my own skin. Emotionally grafted, you might say. Part of the physical and psychic makeup. I carry you daily. Some days, I sag under the weight. Mostly, though, we soldier on together, even if you haven’t been aware.
I used to try to figure out how to make you stay with me. Turns out, you had already taken care of that for me. I used to hate the scar you left me, but now, it’s often a source of strength, of insight, and on certain occasions, a source of great warmth. I spent so long figuring out how to remove the pale blue scar that it’s a bit surprising to now find myself trying and ensure its immortality. Maybe the letter will help that cause a bit, who knows. Maybe you’ll tear it up and throw it in the fire. Maybe it got stuck in a magazine and will be thrown away, sight unseen. A bit unimportant. I don’t really need you to read it, anymore than you ever needed to tell me why you couldn’t love me. These things, you said, they just happen. And you wished they could be different, and you wished I could understand, and you wished you could understand, but there was simply nothing to be said other than you were sorry.
I’m sorry, too. For most of it. Most of the stuff afterwards, at least. But not us. Not those six days. I’d like to think those changed me, and not for the worse. So intense, so unforgettable, so (at times) unforgiving. Years later, here I am, still talking about them. That says something.
For the good, and ironically, especially for the bad, I’ll never forget you. I carry you with me each step of each day. Hope you don’t mind. We’ve come this far, after all.
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