OK, for this next trick, I’ll need a member of the audience.

And by “trick”, I mean “entry”, and “audience”, “readership”.

Had a friend IM me last night in great peril. “Ryan! Remember that night we spent in Maui? Well, the I took the test tonite, and it was blue!”

OK, she didn’t really say that. She was, however, in emotional peril: she couldn’t tell if her male co-worker was interested or not. Some borderline flirting, a few mentions of his singledom…what does it all MEAN, she asked, exasperatedly? Borderline...feels like she's going to lose her mind. (That's for all the readers who keep asking me: "Ryan, why don't you have more lyrical references to 'The Immaculate Collection'?" You're welcome.)

(OK, going back to college for a sec, and then the crux of the issue at hand. I lived with nine guys in college. 9 guys. Say it like the principal in “Ferris Bueller”. Anyways, one of them was a heavyweight wrestler. Dude carried kegs up stairs on his shoulder. Just an incredibly strong guy. Anyways, one day, he comes up to our common room, looking like his mother had been kidnapped by the SLA. “Guys, guys! You gotta come here this! Jen just called!” Now, Jen was the girl he has crushed on since freshman year. Even though he was married. Yes, married, but that’s a whole other story. So we bolt (ok, trudge) down to his bedroom. He’s already there, pacing. “OK, guys, I called Jen last night, right? OK, and today she called back and left me a message. You gotta tell me what this means. OK?” We just wanted to get back to Bo Jackson’s epic game in Super Techmo Bowl, so we nodded. “OK, guys, tell me what you think.” And he hits the machine. “Hi, Rob, it’s Jen. Guess you’re not there, so call me back.” BEEP. He looks at us with an ever-growing crazy look in his eyes. “What does it all MEAN?”

We walked silently out of the room. Needless to say, we guys are often as confused as you girls.)

OK, so, in the service of my friend in dire nookie need, I’ll open the floor up to you, the readers, so maybe we can have an FAQ for those in need on the female side. God knows I try to plumb the female depths enough here, and wow, that really came out wrong.

Ladies, email me questions. Guys, email tips. Ladies, form a line to my left, for makeouts. Dudes, form a line to my right, for high-fives. Hopefully, by tomorrow morning, I’ll have enough to start a decent guide for ladies looking for a sign. (Early hint: if he’s licking you, he’s interested. Or you spilled hot sauce on your neck and he doesn’t want it to go to waste. OK, bad example.)