OK, obviously I need to contact my hosting services, cuz I managed to get a whopping zero emails today regarding my call for help with a “How Do I Know He Digs My Junk” FAQ.
Luckily, Jennifer Garner was here to help a little bit.
“Man, you boys are so oblivious sometimes,” she said.
“Yo, J to the Garn-0, quit nibbling my ear and get off my lap, I’m trying to do work here,” I replied. "Susan got the ball rolling with her instant message to me the other day, and by golly, I'm gonna do right by her. And for God's sake, put some clothes on."
Honestly, women are such a mystery sometimes.
But once she delapped, she gave me a few starter questions to go with some of the points brought up today. She's good people, that way. So, without further ado, here’s the first in an on-again, off-again, whenever I darn well feel like it, series.
“What is the best way to discern between faux flirting and actual flirting?”
Well, our first question is very good written.
Someone once posed this question to Plato. He had been pontificating all morning on the meaning of existence, Man’s relationship to nature, and how hot 12-year old boys are. But when posed this question, Plato grew quite still. A hush fell over the crowd. Finally, he looked up. He gazed pierced the audience. Then, he shrugged and said, “Buggered if I know.”
And thus it’s been ever since.
There’s no easy way to tell which is which. A few years ago, some people lobbied to add a referendum to the ballot that required all faux flirting to be done using quotation fingers, but that didn’t pass. I mean, what if you were on the phone? What if you were double-fisting at the bar? Voter turnout in those districts topped 97%, and the other three percent were too busy flirting to vote.
If you’re at wit's end on how to tell the two types of flirting apart, you can always interrupt him mid-flirt and say, “Look, either lick me right now or let’s put this crap behind us.” Licking is an underrated solution to most problems.
What are the top 5 signs we have gone from simply platonic to perhaps tongue-wrestling compatriots?
Right, the incredibly awkward, difficult-to-navigate middle ground between friendship and lust buddies. It’s a bit like playing chicken, only in this case, you only wish you were moments from a fiery death.
The Top 5 vary from state-to-state, and era to era. I mean, “he gives you his letter jacket” may have worked in the days of George McFly, but not so much anymore. (Incidentally, I don’t want a big wedding, but if I do one, “Enchantment Under the Sea” is a possible theme. OK, that’s a complete lie. I just like that movie.)
- He starts calling or calls with greater frequency than previously established.
- He gives you something with the explanation of “I was in the store for something else, and saw this, and thought of you.” Don’t ask why he was in Victoria Secret in the first place; you’ll ruin the moment.
- He stops acting like a complete schmuck in front of your friends. This includes freaking them on the dance floor, pelting them with food, or running them over with a motorcycle.
- He develops a sudden interest that you two previously did not share. (And no, he doesn’t really like it. That’s a teen romantic comedy movie myth. He under no circumstances likes the Lifetime Network.)
- He introduces pop culture topics for the sole purpose of securing a time the two of you can simultaneously enjoy them. The genre of music and length of film will dictate the level of interest. If he says, “Men in Black II”, he’s both hedging his bet, and a moron. If he says, “The Godfather Trilogy”, he’s ready to breed. And consider it, because the guy’s got taste. (And figures you won’t be able to make it through Part III, either.)
Look, when I was single, I couldn’t get a guy. Now that I’m taken, I’ve had to look into bear-trap panties. What gives?
First of all, that’s a terrible image, and I’m ashamed that anyone thought of that.
Secondly, y’all women, as stated on this site, do the exact same stuff. Women want guys who are taken for two reasons. One, most women can’t stand to see another woman happy. Plain and simple. I can’t figure it out, but there you have it. Women who are lucky enough to find a good guy protect them like gold in Ft. Knox. In my dating days, I knew when I would be going to place that had hot women before I even got there, because my girlfriend would suddenly wear a smoking outfit. She was establishing territory. 2,000 years ago, she would have flat out peed on me before we left. Evolution has only changed the methods, not the rules.
Secondly, women who see a taken guy figure that someone knows something about this guy that isn’t readily available to the casual observer. They want in, and want in bad. The same principles apply to Hollywood: everyone wants Colin Farrell in their movie because…everyone wants Colin Farrell in their movie. It’s a vicious cycle. Just takes one casting director to spark a star’s rise, and it only takes one girl’s chance on a guy to send his dating career careening like a pinball against the bumpers.
As for why men chase after taken women, I can’t think of two reasons. One, we’re freakin’ snakes. We’re GUYS. You keep throwing our lowly stature in our face, and have the nerve to act surprised when we act exactly the way you expect us to. Secondly, we’re not actually chasing; we’re overly flirting because we know nothing can actually come out of it. This type of flirting can be extremely fun if both parties are in on it. Sadly, only about 15% of guys are able to pull this off, since the other 85% are trying to pull off the girls’ bras.