First of all, I’m sorry. I don’t know how I didn’t know that the third season of “Alias” started tonite. I guess my new Pilates class has been kicking my butt more than previously thought. It’s one of those combo courses, you see, and it combines Pilates, yoga, and spinning, all at once. It’s really difficult to get into a Flying Lotus position while on Level 8 of a Mountain Climb. But I already digress.
(And yes, I haven’t bought Season 1 of the DVD yet. And yes, I bought Seasons 1 and 2 of “Angel”. But really, David Boreanaz needs the money a heckuva lot more than you do, baby. You’re so money, yet you know it.)
Luckily, it came to my attention today that your total hotness would grace my television in new and undoubtedly sexy-as-hell-yet-tough-yet-feminine ways. Tried to avoid the spoilers, since I wanted to be surprised. Worked last year with “Buffy”, although really, “Buffy” kinda sucked last year. Hey, maybe Alyson Hannigan can be your new love interest now that Vaughn is a putz, and…oh, I’m typing out loud again. Nevermind.
Watching tonite’s show with the uninitiated roommate was a bit tough. I even confused myself at points. Luckily, you were there, on screen, for maximum droolage factor, and the language barrier was lowered. Sorta like the Berlin Wall falling, only this didn’t involve communism. Then again, if you had been born a few decades earlier, maybe you could have ended the Cold War yourself. You could have pulled a Bill+Ted and brought the universe into harmony, and…man, there I go again on a flight of fancy.
Anywho, I’d love to review the episode, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that the writers on your show know way more than we mere mortals could possibly glean from a single episode. I’m still scratching my head over that big ball of water from the last episode of Season 1. What I am qualified to judge, however, is your performance and how gosh-darn cute you looked in each scene.
- Look 1: Same as the end of last season, with that patented “I’m in a ridiculous, high-concept show, and yet I still help ground it in real emotion” look of pain thing going. You also knocked the crap out of Vaughn, which was all well and good, yet you made the fatal mistake of not calling me to see if I could meet for a drink because you were so upset and was my futon free tonite to crash on? Next time, try to remember: you got my digits hunny, don’t be afraid of them.
- Look 2: Professional Sydney. At times I wish you weren’t so high-ranking, so I could slip you right into my little secretary fantasy, but hey, empowerment’s all hot and stuff. I don’t buy that you bought your dad’s way out of prison so darn easily, but anything to get Victor Garber out of that ridiculous beard is OK by me. Nothing new here, you do the “blazer and skirt” look just fine, let’s just say it’s not my favorite. And that bit about the secretary fetish? Yea, that was your imagination. Like "Leprechaun 3", it never happened.
- Look 3: Standard-issue CIA ass-kicking gear. Some people get to beat up others while wearing this outfit, and that’s hot. Sydney Bristow is a severe hottie.
- Look 4: That black dress at dinner while meeting your contact. See, this is why I need TiVo. So I can do do freeze-frames, digitize the image, send it to my desktop, make it my screen-saver, and have it say stuff like, “Oh Ryan, only you can save me. No, I love your forearm hair, it’s sooo sexy.” And I’m probably sharing too much again.
- Look 5: The “Put Famke Janssen To Shame” Look as an undercover MEGA HOTTIE. God, you looked so good, you almost made Limp Bizkit cool again. I had “27 minutes and 18 seconds” in the office pool of “first gratuitous shot of you taking off your clothes”, but hey, I’m OK having lost the money. To top it off, you made four hardened criminals stop a car, just because you looked so amazing. You then blew up the car with a gun that functioned as a rocket launcher. For the last time, when will you bear my children? Michael Vartan will leave you in real life just as he did in the show if you get in a knife fight with a girl who you think is your roommate but really is a DNA-cloned assassin working for a shady international terrorist group. Trust me, I know the type.
Like I said, I can’t judge the quality of the show, just as I wouldn’t judge the quality of a movie ten minutes in, unless it’s “Gladiator” and I turn to Tim and say, “Oh HELL yea” after Maximus orders his men to “HOLD THE LINE”. Heh, heh, that was cool. Oops, I did it again, another digression.
Sorry, I’m a bit scatter-brained, having seen the “This Season on ‘Alias’” package which included you stripping to your skivvies and swan-diving into a pool and well as flamenco-dancing as well as throwing on a French Maid outfit and telling me what a dirty boy I am. Oh wait, I just imagined the last part. Sorry.
(My guess is, if I may talk plotwise for a sec, is that look between you and the “Look At Me, I Am Vaguely European and Therefore Evil” assassin means that he recognizes you from Page 47 (?) of the Rimbaldi Manuscript, and that The Covenant is some sort of Rimbaldi-inspired army led by Sloane. OK, I’m done now. Back to your hotness.)
Glad that you’re back on my television. Soon, others will follow, and my lack of life will once again be sated with pixelated images of people that I enjoy more than the f@ckers on the T who insist on standing in the doorway when I’m trying to get on or off, and then look at me as if I’ve somehow crossed the line by actually trying to get on the train without doing a limbo under their outstreteched elbows. But you, Jennifer, you’re my fave. My one and only. Smoochies and such from Boston.
Gonna go out to the tree now. You know, the one where I carved that little love note for you? Remember how annoyed my neighbors were when they caught me in their yard carving it? Oh yea, you wouldn't, in that you weren't there. Oh well. I'll just finish this little missive with those carved letters:
Ryan + Jennifer 4 EVA!!!
Posted by Ryan McGee at September 28, 2003 11:08 PM