My Book Report on Tim’s Play

By Ryan McGee

Yesterday I went to Tim’s play. It was wicked good. They said a lot of words on the stage. Sometimes, they used swords! Swords are cool, even if “swords” is spelled wicked weird.

To prepare for his role, Tim stopped shaving and cutting his hair a few months ago. He told me this is called “method”, and I call it “hairy”. Megan Gaffney calls him “Mountain Man”. He lookt totally old.

The idea of the play is that the whole play’s a “fever dream”. I dunno what that means, but that’s what the website says. (Mom says I have to “cite my sources”, but I didn’t wanna tattle, but Mom said she wouldn’t get me McDonald’s if I didn’t say that.) He walks around in fencing gear for the whole play, and he added a crotch buckle for the beginning of Act II, which made my friend Liz involuntarily go “Whoa” which made me almost completely loose it with laughter, and did I mention we were in the third row, center, and Tim was looking at me the whole time? Plays are silly.

I didn’t wanna go to the play, but like, Tim’s my friend, but like, they did this cool “Matrix” thing where Polonius/Osric formed this combo of Mr. Smith, Lex Luthor from “Smallville”, and a Neo-Nazi. Who ate bananas at inappropriate times, which is like, totally like the Matrix, if the Matrix was set in the jungle and starred gorillas. Ninja gorillas would RULE ALL.

And I think those people from “Lord of the Rings” owe Shakespeare some money, cuz like, Hamlet’s dad is totally the Nazgul. Only these ringwraiths wore fencing masks. Who knew Hamlet had the One Ring? This play did, apparently. While settle for one Ghost when you can have seven, and then have the Ghost possess people throughout the show to make them sound like James Earl Jones’ psychotic cousin? This reminds me, after the show, we all did “light as a feather, stiff as a board”, and like, there were no ghosts there at all. The six girls I went to the show with couldn’t lift me at all. And like, the actors got all mad at us, just cuz we did it in the middle of a boring scene that didn’t involve Tim. Theatre people are weird.

The dramatic conflicts of the show took on a bunch of stuff. Like, people fought all the time. People in Denmark are totally sad. Like, Hamlet hates his step-dad. Polonius hates his daughter as much as his hairline. Gravity hates Ophelia’s dress and kept trying to drag it down. Lot of conflict.

To sum up, Tim was really good. I liked it most when he harmed his friends…Rosenberg and Guildenstein. Crotch buckles are funny. Beer is yummy.