Is it me? For a moment
The stars are falling.
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The past is calling.
---“Dr. Jimmy”, The Who
Been an interesting couple of days, and not only due to the fever-induced delirium which, although delightful, was not entirely welcome.
I concocted the whole “Best Of” page on the T, heading under the Charles River, between Cambridge and Boston, on the Red Line this past Saturday afternoon. Seemed arrogant and pretentious, and, as such, right up my alley. Figured it would be a touch of work, but hey, I wrote the stuff, so it wouldn’t be that hard to figure out what I liked, right?
So I started reading, month by month. Kinda like that Speed Reader guy who appeared on the Gary Gnu show on “The Great Space Coaster” (get inside!). I’d just plow through entries, and occasionally something would catch my eye, I’d copy down the title, URL, write a quick blurb, and move on. Worked pretty easy for the first months, in no small part because I wasn’t very good back then. (“Back then?” the crowd queries. Ed.--Oh hush.)
Around March, though, it got a bit slower going. April, even slower. So forth and so on. The summer months brought nary a bit of sunshine, save for the occasional brief burst of light that overwhelmed the senses. Even the humorous ones were as black as can be. Heck, if I were a casual reader, I probably woulda jumped ship for something like Dave Barry’s blog months ago. I actually chuckled out loud reading one entry in August that started out something like, “Now, I usually don’t talk about myself here,” which was of course ludicrous (sadly, not Ludacris…get out the way fool, get out the way!) since everything for the five months preceding it had been, in one shape or another, about me.
I had written about bad times Jenny and I had experienced when we dated previous to March, but always in an anecdotal, “Gee, we’re we two kooky kids who got krazy there for a minute!” By the time I transcribed it, the situation had already resolved itself. They weren’t outstanding issues that I was working through via my website; they were simply stories to be told. Problem solved. Over and done with. Would you like to play a nice game of chess? (This paragraph has been brought to you by the movie “Wargames”.)
I never really wrote about the good times Jenny and I had for a couple of reasons. Firstly, no one wants to hear how happy someone else is, at least not on a blog. Look, I want the Commander to be happy, and vice versa, but this ain’t the medium in which I will share vital, happy-go-luck events to him. I’ll call him on the phone or drop him an email. He actually will care. To Joe Schmoe who finds this website via a Google search for “love-sick puppies” or something, no way is he gonna stick around for “Captain Happy and the Adventures Where No One Is Hurt, Everyone Loves One Another, and Everyone Gets Extra Whipped Cream on Their Sundaes”. Blech. Phooey. If I stumble across a site where someone’s talking about how happy they are, it makes me wanna take a sawed-off shotgun and go Robert Blake on their ass. I look to my friends for happiness; I look to strangers for malcontent, discontent, and kicking kittens.
The second reason, and more to the point of today’s thoughts, is that those happy moments were intensely private. Really can’t be replicated. Yea, sad moments could be argued to be similar, in that empathy can only travel so far. However, I’d argue that the sad/bad moments are more universal, in that there are fewer of them. Yes, you’ll always have the couple who are upset because they can’t equally divide their commemorative plate collection, but the standards of bad times: fidelity, jealousy, neglect, mental/physical abuse, distance issues---they all differ in specifics but not in overall feeling. It doesn’t matter why two girls’ boyfriends were/are jealous, the two of them can relate on some basic level. Ditto for two guys who are dealing with girlfriends halfway across the country. Or a couple dealing with fidelity. There are things so universal about these unhappy situations that people have been sharing them for centuries and haven’t found ways to fix them. They are coded into our nature in some fashion so innate that we may never shake them.
The good moments, though…well, they are as varied as the bad moments, but in ways so specific and special that you can’t ever hope to have someone truly understand them. They are different as snowflakes or fingerprints. Merely describing such a moment, even down to the most minute detail, rendered the moment both ineffectively and cheaply. You’re doing a disservice to the person to whom you are telling the tale, because you’re not accurately portraying the event. And you’re doing a disservice to yourself and your loved one, because words do many things well, but describing moments such as those is something it cannot do at all. A walk on the beach can be the most mundane of the most sublime thing possible. Same with a cup of coffee, a hug, a phone call. All innocuous moments that, given the proper people in the proper context, take on lives of their own to the point which all other activity ceases and, for those brief moments, life’s exactly what you wanted it to be but never knew you did. And no words can possibly describe that absolutely RIGHT feeling. If you’ve felt it, you know what I mean. And if you haven’t, I wish it upon you at the earliest possible instant.
So maybe the explosion in prose over the past few months derived from the distinctly greater number of “bad” versus “good” moments. We all love a good wallow, don’t we? Pull up a chair, have a drink, share an emotional war story. Easier to share those than a tale of happily ever after. Hey, it must sell…traffic’s not only not shrunk, it’s spiked recently. Jump onboard the Pity Express, heading to destinations such as Woeville, Depressionland, and I’llNeverDateAgainburg.
That’s not the whole story though. Certainly not for most of you, certainly not for me, even in the summer months, when an unforced smile was a scarce commodity. Been a lot of smiles lately for me. So many things bursting at the seams to come out. Feels like my emotions are making up for lost time, in some ways. But, ‘tis not the time, ‘tis not the place, to speak of such things. I feel a bit like a gear in a machine that’s being turned by, towards, and away from other gears. Relationships all of sorts are shifting, sliding, moving into place. Into what place(s), well, I don’t know. For the first time in a while, though, I’m not too concerned about the final resting place. I’m gonna take my moments of happiness and let them extend for as long as life allows them to be this way. Can’t predict the future. Can’t worry about the future. Just have to allow things to happen the way they have been these past few weeks. So far, good. So fresh, so clean.
Having read the past few months’ material, I felt it a bit necessary to offer, even in a vague sense, you all a bit of sunshine on your Tuesdays. You deserve it as much as I do.
hi ryan, i'm god. you are fantastic.
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Posted by: ryan on October 21, 2003 08:40 AMTo say that bad times happen to us to destroy us is a misconception. Bad things happen to all of us so we can all get stronger and more resilient. From reading your blog, you are proof positive of that. You have dealt with your bad whereas other people might have walked around it, side stepped or worse even, deny it. Enjoy your good times. Life is all a matter of choice. Nice to read a happier McGee. Peace, man.
Posted by: Myra on October 21, 2003 10:44 AMThis would totally have been my ray of sunshine for the day... had I not picked up a copy of "Batman/Superman" #3 on the way home from work as a reward for going to work despite still feeling the ouch from my tonsillectomy.
It will have to settle for being my second ray of sunshine for the day. (Ironic that I'n reading it at night.)
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