Well, after a 3,000 word, two-part, coherent narrative that went over like a Shabbat prayer at a Neo-Nazi meeting, I figure I can let myself off the moral hook today and offer a grab-bag of thoughts and observations. I’m still tickled I wrote the equivalent of a 12-page paper in 2 hours, but I amuse myself easily these days. That being said, on with the frivolity:
1) I’m currently lobbying for two more circles in Dante’s Hell for two specific groups of people: those who sit their sorry ass on the machine at the gym I wanna use for 10 minutes without actually using the equipment, and anyone who’s ever tried to get on or off the Boston subway system at the same door as me. I vacillate on which I wish to condemn to the greater punishment. Usually this is determined if I have to lift that day or not.
Going to a superfly gym has its benefits, but also means you’re dealing with an economic class who’s used to getting their way. And if they wanna watch 10 minutes of FOX News while gathering strength for their next set of butterfly presses, then gosh darn it, they are gonna do it. I’m fairly passive-aggressive in general, but even more so at the gym. Mostly because most of the guys there could take a 50-pound dumbbell and hit me with it. That tends to dull my overt rage.
So, only every other day do I want to condemn those people to eternal damnation. Twice daily, however, I want to take a sledgehammer (the non-Peter Gabriel type) to any and all who deign to enter or exit the same subway door as myself. Most people who come to Boston marvel at the speed at which we live our lives. We walk fast, talk fast, drive fast. However, within a 4 foot radius of a subway door, everyone for some unknown reason starts to move in bullet time from “The Matrix”. Just mind-blowing. The entire world seems to crawl to a halt, as we move….achingly…slowly…into…the…car. It’s not even just when it’s crowded. There can be no one in the door, no one coming out, and a perfectly healthy 20-something in front of me suddenly moves likes she’s just fallen and can barely get up. Wanna strangle her with that imaginary Medic Alert badge.
"Commuters fight to get on the Green line in 'MBTA Revolutions'..."
So yea, in short, I don’t like this people.
2) I bought the new Outkast CD last week. Few thoughts:
- If I had a dollar for every “I didn’t know you listened to that type of music” comment I’ve gotten, I could afford to buy this CD again if I lose it. Just weird and slightly racist in ways I care to not think about.
- I bought the entire CD for “Hey Ya”, and have instead fallen in love with “The Way You Move”. That’s the best song I’ve heard in months. (You can watch the videos for both here. Both pretty great in and of themselves.) Sometimes songs just reach out by the throat and grab you, the way I’ve reached out and grabbed commuters by the throat and told them to get in the f#ckin’ subway already. (In my mind.)
- My friend Nina hates “I Like the Way You Move”. Then again, she gets personally offended every Monday there’s not a new Strong Bad email, so take that with a grain of salt.
3) When I’m rich and famous, I want that incredibly sweet song from the “Kill Bill” trailer to play every time I walk into a room. Doesn’t hurt the hip factor that this song is called “Battle Without Honor or Humanity”. (Sounds like my battle with my waistline.) I don’t even care if there’s anyone in the room I enter, per say, but I think it would make my life a lot more fun to have this song play, with me actually my entrance when the super-cool synth pops in. Heck, I’m getting pumped just thinking about this. OK, screw this "when I'm rich" stuff, since that ain't gonna happen anyways. Let's get to work on this now. *starts to write his NEA grant*
Everyone deserves his or her own entrance theme, methinks. What would be yours?