The local news just announced over 300 closings in the area tomorrow due to cold. COLD. Not snow. Not sleet. Not an incoming herd of buffalo. Not a new Michael Bolton record. COLD.
That’s some serious non-warmth. So I’m bundled up, layer upon layer, still feeling the warmth from the few drinks had tonight after work. You have to love going into a bar, realizing you’re the least posh person there, realizing you’re out of your price range, sit down with your coworker anyway, and, on cue, do a Ricky Henderson-esque slide from one end from the bar to the other using only a cocktail napkin to abet your coefficient of friction.
And by that I mean “order two cheap beers and leave quickly”. Point is, it’s cold. Icicles in places you didn’t know moisture even existed kind of cold. Did I mention it’s cold? I know, I’m rambling.
And guess what? It’s Friday, so it’s all good. Let’s kick it like Daniel Laruso.
Following the ratings success of VH-1’s “100 Hottest Hotties”, the station is scheduling follow-up shows such as “100 Cutest Cuties”, “100 Most Likely That You’d Shag If, Like, You’d Had a Few”, and “100 They Have a Really Great Personality, Honestly, and if You Just Get To Know Them…”.
Speaking of that show, if Jenna Jameson declared her desire to sleep with me on national television, I don’t know if I’d be flattered or terrified. I mean, we guys worry about the girls we shag having more experience with us, but I think she had more experience than me between breakfast and lunch yesterday.
Did anyone else ever wonder exactly how tall Nanny on “Muppet Babies” was when they were growing up? I always figured she could fight Voltron if it ever attacked. She seemed just incredibly, incredibly tall. Then again, a full-grown Muppet still is only as tall as Shakira, so it’s all relative.
Speaking of Muppet Babies, I wish they had worked in a gag where Statler and Waldorf were in a treehouse near the nursery, just ripping on them a few times an episode. That would have ruled.
After twenty years in the same role, Kelsey Grammer will stop playing Frazier Crane at the end of this season. In a related story, Shelly Long was recently named “Employee of the Month” at the Pasadena Burger King for her excellent management of the deep-fry vat.
Best IM exchange of the week…Me: “Whatcha up to?” Her: “I'm still justifying my ass and my underwear”.
I’ve been wondering all weekend which fate I’d choose if held at gunpoint: attending that 200 degree below zero Patriots/Titans game, risking frostbite, possible limb loss, and impotence, or attending a Hillary Duff concert. I’m still working on this one.
Speaking of the cold---even the snow said “Oh hell no” and stayed away from Boston until it got warmer. One of those “cooler than being cool” colds. One of those “it hurts to breathe” kind of cold. One of those “I just made a crack about my girlfriend’s weight and man, I’m gonna pay soon” kind of cold.
Speaking of breathing, did Faith Hill take a bullet after the Grammys? Seriously, where’s she been? She’s about a year away from “Celebrity Mole”. Mark my words.
My predictions on other soon-to-be “Celebrity Mole” contestants: Justin Guarini, Jared from the Subway ads, and Kelsey Grammer. In addition, Joe Namath will be there, drunk, trying to kiss all of them.
Ashton Kutcher’s new movie, “The Butterfly Effect”, opens this month. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept behind the title, it goes something like this: When a butterfly flaps its wings in South America, an obnoxious twit gets famous and shags Demi Moore in Los Angeles. Chaos theory blows.
Speaking of that movie…who in Hollywood thought it was a smart move to put out an R-rated Aston Kutcher film? Does anyone over 21 (besides Demi)actually like him ?
If you asked a Starbucks barista to “put a little extra steam” into your latté, would you get “a date” or “arrested” as a general rule?
There might be a worse pick-up line than, “You look like the type of girl who will put out tonight,” but I’m having a hard time coming up with it this week.
Why don’t we just call a spade a spade and name all reality shows “Boobs, Booze, and Breakdowns”?
Yahoo this week featured an article on Steve Mann, a professor who wears what amounts to a cyborg eye that in essence is a small computer monitor consistently feeding him information. He tells Yahoo that he feels “leaves him feeling nauseous, unsteady, naked” when not wearing it. In a related story, stay the hell away from this freak.
If Jennifer Lopez ever goes into the wine industry, do you think she’ll ever bottle some “J to the Merlot”?
You know, maybe someday someone will tell me how my gay friends and relatives are going to do more damage to the institution of marriage than Britney Spears, Dennis Rodman, and Elizabeth Taylor have already inflicted, but I remain fairly skeptical about being convinced that their side holds water.
Do Pete Rose and Rosie O’Donnell go to the same barber?
I’m a patient man and all, but when will “Alias” have a plot that requires Sydney to go undercover in a nudist camp? Anytime soon? Next week maybe? Please?
While people are busy trying to fix the economy, I’m trying to determine who’s the biggest sellout: Lil’ Kim in those “Old Navy” ads or Method Man in “anything he’s done since 2001”. I’m thinking the movie “My Baby’s Daddy” might tip the scales forever in Method’s favor. He’s playing backup to Eddie Griffin and Anthony Anderson simultaneously. That ain’t right. That’s like Russell Crowe being reduced to a one-scene pizza delivery guy in “Dumb and Dumberer”.
Speaking of this, could they add “Biggest Sellout” to The Source Awards? Hell, I’d tune in to see that.
Lest you think I’m not an equal opportunity offender: If you’re wondering if there’s a barometer for a Caucasian sellout, it’s simple: If you do anything that Tony Danza’s done since “Who’s the Boss?” went off the air, you’re a sellout. Simple.
My college newspaper is reporting that 80% of students have experienced some form of mental health problems in the last year. In related news, I need a hug.
Example #82 of how I know I’m oversensitive: Tuesday’s crossword puzzle featured “___ Pinkett Smith” for 1 Across, and “Anonymous Doe” for 1 Down, and I wrote in “Jada” before “John” lest the puzzle think I was racist.
Anyone else waiting for the natural, inevitable evolution of TRL where they flat out stop showing videos and just feature kids screaming like morons for 30 minutes in a row? Are we really more than six months away from this?
Speaking of TRL, I have a new contest for them: if anyone in their audience remembers Adam Curry, they get to meet a Backstreet Boy. Who’s with me?
OK, I’m not over “Muppet Babies” just yet…why wasn’t Janice on the show? Was she THAT ugly of a baby? OK, actually don’t answer that. I have a problem, I know.
Reason #529 Why I Really Don’t Talk About Wrestling To Non-Fans: When describing the main event of RAW this week, I told a male coworker how I “...really liked Orton’s facials.” He sloooowly backed away. Can’t say I blame him.
Let’s throw Nick Lechay into the Iowa caucus. Why not? I’ve got his slogan all ready to go: “Vote Lechay: He Married Jessica Simpson So You Wouldn’t Have To”. Talk about your All-American Hero here, people.
Someday, I'm going to type the word "from" right on the first try. It's like my mom said: you gotta have dreams, kid.
OK, we’ll end this week with my impression of the imaginary meeting between the people who built Fenway Park and the Fleet Center along the Green Line, by way of that new series of Guinness ads:
"I have an idea for sporting venues."
"An idea? What is it?"
"Let's place two insanely popular venues on The Green Line, the absolute worst excuse for public transportation since The Crusades."
"The Green Line? BRILLIANT!"
"And that way, what is normally a less than ten-minute commute will now take over an hour."
"BRILLIANT! What about insanely packed subway cars? Have you ensured those?"
"Indeed. We’ll only run the 2-car, not 4-car, subways during peak times."
"Only 2 cars? BRILLIANT!"