A few days ago I managed to make myself sick. Well, feverish at least. Comes with the territory when your life consists of work, editing a book, and sipping Cristal with Nick Cannon and Jenna Jameson. It’s a tough life, but someone’s gotta do it.
Anyhoo, I missed work on Wednesday, and had a bizarre fever dream where Puck from “The Real World” wanted to send me to The Gauntlet. Only, I couldn’t remember having been on the show before. Most people dream about having an exam in a class they don’t remember taking. Me? I dream about being eliminated from reality shows I can’t remember ever being on.
Just a little bit of insight into my head.
It’s Friday, folks. You know the drill by now. Let’s kick it like Beckham. Um, bend it like Beckham. Oh hell, shake it like a Polaroid picture, I could care less.
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OK, we have low-fat cheese, diet soda, and now low-carb beer. Can’t we make the next logical step and have diet alcohol? There must be someone working on this, right? Is it too much to expect an Atkins-friendly martini somewhere in the near future?
I’m still impressed Fox didn’t find a way to combine the premiere of “American Idol” with the Iowa caucuses. “Yo, Edwards! You my DAWG, man!”
Speaking of which, I don’t think any of the candidates could have done a better version of “She Bangs” than that one Asian dude. That guy might rank up with the “Cave Dwellers” episode of MST3K in the pantheon of “Stuff That Never Stops Making Me Giggle When I Think About It”.
Can we have Rebecca Lobo host a nature program, if for no other reason than we can have the title of an episode be "Lobo and a Bonobo"? Please? Am I asking too much?
You know it’s a bad night at the bar when the Coors Light “Wingman” song becomes appropriate to your situation.
When you tell a bunch of co-workers that you went to “City Bar” the night before, pick that time to overenunciate to avoid any possible misunderstandings. And no, I’m not talking from immediate experience, why do you ask?
ESPN.com this week unveiled ESPN3, a site dedicated to sports and entertainment. On the television side, it will also debut ESPN3, which will have, as featured programming, “Guys Playing Catch in Their Backyard”, “Curling Weekly”, and “The WNBA”.
My brother managed to score a gig working as a production assistant for ESPN during the Pats/Colts game this past Sunday, during which he worked from the sidelines. In a related story, I hate my brother.
I’m still not past that Asian guy from “American Idol”…he was a plant, right? Please tell me he was a plant. There are very few things I need to believe in. This is one of those things.
The ARod/Manny talks are more on again, off again than Shannon Elizabeth’s clothes in “American Pie”. This is getting ridiculous. If these negotiations were a girl, she’d be kicked out of the frat for being too huge a tease.
“Once Upon A Time in Mexico” debuted on DVD this week. If there isn’t a 10-minute extra dedicated to the “Eva Mendes stands in the elevator and looks hotter than the sun” scene, than I might set fire to my apartment.
Speaking of me and fires...if you type in my name over at Amazon.com and hit search, the first entry is “Backdraft”. Um. Huh. See, I’ve always that if I were a Ron Howard movie, I’d be “The Paper”. Cuz, um, I like paper. It’s all pulpy, like me. And orange juice. And I’m even confusing myself at this point. Man, this whole paragraph had such potential. And yet, I can’t jump ship yet. It’s a comic train wreck on a scale of the crash 15 minutes into “The Fugitive” that seemed so cool at the time, yet when you watch it now looks as cheesy as something in a Lifetime movie, effects-wise. And yea, I’m really done now.
This past weekend, some friends and I watched two Peter Gabriel concert DVDs back to back…one from 1993, the other from 2003. It was a bit like watching someone’s wedding video and then their fiftieth anniversary party. Wow. Talk about sudden aging. Which still didn’t stop one of them from muttering, “God, I’d so do him” roughly every 9.4 seconds.
Can we put Peter Gabriel and Billy Joel on the same bill and call it the “We Age In Dog Years” Tour? Please?
I found myself oddly excited to learn that MTV has new episodes of “Dismissed” on the horizon. Somebody kill me now.
I’m pretty late to the whole “Grand Theft Auto” party, but “Vice City” is amazing. There’s something oddly satisfying about getting paid to intimidate two jurors. Even better is when you can drive to the juror’s hotel with REO Speedwagon blasting in the car you just stole, get to the parking lot, smash his car up, and be back on the road in time for the chorus to “Keep On Loving You”. Sweet dreams are made of this.
USA Today this week featured an article that suggests the demise of the “metrosexual” trend. I didn’t so much “avoid” the whole trend so much as “be too damn broke to participate in it”. Seriously. If I have to choose between a week’s worth of groceries versus 8 ounces of moisturizer, I say bring on the Ronzoni.
I don’t know how the guys on “The Bachelorette” do it. Does the phrase “c@ck-blocked” mean nothing to these men? Hell, I won’t even hit on a girl if I think one other guy is interested, never mind wade through 24 phalli to get a rose. I call this my “deli-line” theory. If I have to take a ticket, I’ll just skip out, thank you very much.
I saw a commercial the other day for the next Real World/Road Rules Challenge. This one’s dubbed “The Inferno”. Rejected titles including “The Zippo”, “The Tri-Wick”, and “Raging Hemorrhoids”.
Hey, President Bush, if you’re touting job recovery, can we get Trishelle and Coral some work? Please? Flipping burgers even? And this is Veronica’s fifth time on a RW/RR Challenge! We have term limits for presidents but not this? How is this possible? Democracy is failing!
Speaking of the law, can we make it illegal to type like you’re Prince after the age of 18? I don’t want 2 be rude, but U really have to stop the insanity sometime. If you CTC about this, that’s 4 U to decide, not me. Just respect me, is all I’m sayin’.
I’ve got “August” in the office pool for our “When will VH1 come out with “I Love the 90’s’?” contest. While they are at it, in February, VH1 will come out with “I Love January 2004”.
Speaking of “I Love the 80’s”, can’t we have a third version of the show that features Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” during the 1983 episode? How could she possibly be passed over not once, but twice? I know babies that have said, “Turn around, bright eyes” as their first words. Everyone knows this song, damnit. C’mon, I’m sure Hal Sparks and Juliette Lewis can say something about her. Talking about “Gloria” and not “Eclipse” is a bit like the History Channel devoting time to the Teapot Dome Scandal but skipping over World War II. It’s not right!
Other topics not yet covered on “I Love The 80’s” that have been inexplicably left out: The Outfield, “My Two Dads”, and “The Last Starfighter”.
OK, since you’re all dying to know: I pick Lesnar over Holly, Eddie over Chavo, Mysterio over Noble, Flair/Batista over the Dudleys, Hunter over Michaels, and a Goldberg/Benoit tie in the Rumble with appearances by Foley and the “Deadman” Undertaker. And by “all” I mean “Rob and Casey”.
I just watched the new video for Britney Spears’ “Toxic”, and Lord, the Lilith Fair seems like a long time ago, eh? Come back, Tracy Chapman. Return, Natalie Merchant. All’s forgiven. I was wrong to want more flesh and less talent. I kneel before thee a penitent man. Come on, how about a chorus of “Fast Car”? “Trouble Me”? Pretty please?
Speaking of “Toxic”: between that video and the one for Baby Bash’s “Suga Suga”, MTV is priming an entire generation to never have to buy porn. A $1 billion industry is about to crumble. It’s time for MTV to help the economy and start showing more Blues Traveler videos, and quickly.
Speaking of porn, current movie title that wouldn’t have to be changed when remade as a porn: “Cheaper By the Dozen”. Ditto on “Calendar Girls”, “The Magdalene Sisters”, and “The Spongebob Squarepants Movie”.
If The Cure sang “The Sickness”, what would happen? What a black hole suddenly emerge? I think about this way too much.
On Thursday, NASA revealed that it had lost contact with the Mars Spirit Rover. Late Thursday evening, Miss Cleo offered to make contact with the lost spirit for only $2.99 per minute.
After his surprise win in Iowa, John Kerry has leapt to the front of the Democratic pack in New Hampshire, according to recent polls. In a related story, people are freakin’ lemmings that can’t think for themselves and will just go with the flow rather than think through the issues themselves.
Remember when you were in school, and you had that assembly, and some crazed, completely frazzled nutball would talk to all of you as a spokesman from the company running that year’s candy sale? And he’d scare you, but you had to pretend you were excited? I had forgotten all about this until watching the crowd at Dean’s speech after the Iowa caucus.
I’m thinking about adding Tom Brady to my Top 5 “Guys My Girlfriend Could Sleep With and I Wouldn’t Get Mad…In Fact, I’d Probably Encourage It, So I Could Brag About It To My Folk…Although That May Cause Problems I Guess” List. Brother’s just cool. Cooler than cool. Ice cold.
Someday I’ll be able to explain why we’ve had “X2: X-Men United” in the house for nearly two months, and yet I haven’t had time to watch it. That’s a crime right there. I should be handcuffed. And not in the fun way.
If Andy Roddick and Mandy Moore have a baby, that like, totally reduces my chance to eventually make out with her, right? Just checking.
In closing: I think everyone should check email like this. I know I do. It’ll make life on this planet a little better. Awwwwwwwwwww EMAIL! See? Instant life improvement.
Posted by Ryan McGee at January 23, 2004 07:57 AM