Well, Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Me, myself, and I spent it watching wrestling DVDs, trying once again to kill Insane Pizza Boy in “Vice City” (I’m not made to play these “invest 200 hours in beating the game” games, honestly), watching some “Buffy”, and catching my homegirl Drew Barrymore on SNL with the roommate. All in all, not a bad way to spend the day.
I also was compiling the replies to the “Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com” Contest. I’ve received seven entries so far, which honestly is about seven more than I expected. But rock on, I’m feelin’ the love, the way I do from that new Black Eyed Peas song. (That girl is Carmen Electra-Lite, and can’t sing, but Lord she’s hot in that new video. But I digress.) You people with your “dates” on V Day, your “girlfriends” or “boyfriends”, you who have that whole “stable monogamy” thing, that “I can wake up next to the person I love all the time” thing, and…OK, I’m gonna stop now, cuz suddenly my counter-argument of “But I have hot JPEGS” isn’t working as well as I thought it might.
So, if you are now at home, or at work, or in prison, crying because you think you’ve missed the deadline, fear not. It’s an ongoing process. Just go here, fill out the survey, and hit me with your best shot. Or hit me baby one more time. Or hit ‘em up style (Oops!). All up to you.
So it’s only fitting that I publish these first seven intrepid women on President’s Day. These brave pioneers all have something in common with our forefathers. And that’s the fact that they all love Lynard Skynard.
OK, so maybe not. But they are trailblazers all the same. I’ll post these in the chronological order in which I received them. Remember, there are no winners or losers in all of this. Well, except me. I convinced seven hotties to vie for my attention. That utterly rules.
Without further adieu:
Name:
Shannon
Location (City, Town, Bit of Grass on Someone’s Lawn, etc):
Somerville, MA
Super Sexy Spy Code Name (c’mon, you know you have one):
Natasha
URL (if applicable):
In your opinion, why are you the most qualified to be “Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com”?
You even have to ask that? I'm fabulous. Point, set and match.
This position comes with great power and responsibility. It¹s sort of like being Spider-Man, that way. Would you use your newfound status for good or evil? Please cite examples where possible.
Evil, of course. I'm planning to use my pageant sash to wrap around the
stacks of cold beers men will buy me once they learn I'm Miss Ryan-McGee Dot
Com. A primitive beer cozy, of sorts.
I'm thinking of a number between 4 and 5. What is it?
45.
Most pageant winners do a lot of work with charity organizations. So let me ask you this: do you like beer?
Yes. Mmm-hmm. See answer above.
True or false: Bald is a sexy look. (Hint: It’s true.)
True. But you have to have some yummy scratchy facial hair to make up for it. Just ask my boyfriend.
Do you “have it going on”, are you “all that and a bag of chips”, or have you been known to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”? List all that apply, with anecdotal references if possible.
Yes. I once had an entire barful of Germans buy me a huge row of shots after my karaoke version of "Love Shack." And *I* was singing the Fred Schneider part!
OK, we agree to go out on a date. Unless it's not a date. Heck, I can never tell, but let's call it a date anyway. It's what I'm gonna tell my co-workers tomorrow in any case. But it has to be a double-date, with any two historical figures of any era. Who do you invite to come along and what do we four do? Money’s no object.
Eleanor of Aquitaine and Catherine the Great. And then we triple-team you into submission. (Oh wait. We have to leave the house? Then I suppose we go out for a drink first).
***
Name:
Lizard
Location (City, Town, Bit of Grass on Someone’s Lawn, etc):
Queens
Super Sexy Spy Code Name (c’mon, you know you have one):
What, "Lizard" isn't sexy enough for you? Fine. My porn name is apparently "DJ Phoenix."
URL (if applicable):
Mine? Don't have one. But I'll borrow "www.seanbaby.com" as my favorite backup.
In your opinion, why are you the most qualified to be “Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com”?
Because I've always got your best interests at heart. See the question about double-dating, below.
This position comes with great power and responsibility. It’s sort of like being Spider-Man, that way. Would you use your newfound status for good or evil? Please cite examples where possible.
Good? Evil? Feh. Clearly, I would use my newfound status for awesome.
I’m thinking of a number between 4 and 5. What is it?
6. I know you too well, McGee.
Most pageant winners do a lot of work with charity organizations. So let me ask you this: do you like beer?
Hell yes. Beer made by charity organizations is a plus.
True or false: Bald is a sexy look. (Hint: It’s true.)
Check my recent dating past: True.
Do you “have it going on”, are you “all that and a bag of chips”, or have you been known to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”? List all that apply, with anecdotal references if possible.
No, no, and . . . no. I have something going on, but I'm pretty sure it's not "it;" I am all that but I ate the chips while I was waiting; and I do shake it, but not in the manner of developing film. Sorry, dude.
OK, we agree to go out on a date. Unless it's not a date. Heck, I can never tell, but let's call it a date anyway. It's what I'm gonna tell my co-workers tomorrow in any case. But it has to be a double-date, with any two historical figures of any era. Who do you invite to come along and what do we four do? Money’s no object.
David Bowie for me. Jennifer Garner for you. I don't think we'd have any trouble coming up with activities, but "dancing our asses off" would probably be involved.
***
Name:
Jeanna Emert
Location (City, Town, Bit of Grass on Someone's Lawn, etc):
Vince Gill (works perfectly!)
Super Sexy Spy Code Name (c'mon, you know you have one):
Velvet J, if you're nasty
URL (if applicable):
U R A Q-T!
In your opinion, why are you the most qualified to be "Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com"?
I like wrestling! (Do with that what you will).
This position comes with great power and responsibility. It's sort of like being Spider-Man, that way. Would you use your newfound status for good or evil? Please cite examples where possible.
Evil, definitely. Good is always less sexy than evil. Who really wants to jump Clark Kent? No one. Do Bikers for Jesus get the chicks? No. John Kerry? Boring.
I'm thinking of a number between 4 and 5. What is it?
In one night?? Oh, Ryan, really! Let's try to keep it to three, k?
Most pageant winners do a lot of work with charity organizations. So let me ask you this: do you like beer?
Baby doll, you know I'm easy. No beer required.
True or false: Bald is a sexy look. (Hint: It's true.)
Um............can I use my lifeline on this one, Regis? (Kidding! You know I like to play with your head.)
Do you "have it going on", are you "all that and a bag of chips", or have you been known to "shake it like a Polaroid picture"? List all that apply, with anecdotal references if possible.
Did I mention the stripper pole in my new apartment?
OK, we agree to go out on a date. Unless it's not a date. Heck, I can never tell, but let's call it a date anyway. It's what I'm gonna tell my co-workers tomorrow in any case. But it has to be a double-date, with any two historical figures of any era. Who do you invite to come along and what do we four do? Money's no object.
Well, since we don't really go out on "dates" (unless by "date" you mean "six or eight hours of sexual tension over pizza followed by sweaty monkey sex") I'd say we'd have to do our usual. Invite your brother’s friend Gina and Katherine Moennig ("Shane" from "The L Word") up to our suite at the Ritz, take a little Cristal bath, and then emulate the activities shown on the Discovery Channel. Since there's so much of you, and we're all rather short, we'd definitely have to tag-team. (Flattery alert!) However, being the selfish hussy that I am, I'd have to insist that there be a little strip-teasing and lap-dancing and (deleted because my mother might read this, but oh lord, that IS interesting) of the lesbian variety before we really got down to business.
***
Name:
Livia Liburdi
Location (City, Town, Bit of Grass on Someone’s Lawn, etc):
Parents house in CT
Super Sexy Spy Code Name (c’mon, you know you have one):
Naomi—figure it out
URL (if applicable):
In your opinion, why are you the most qualified to be “Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com”?
I’ve always wanted a hyphenated name.
This position comes with great power and responsibility. It’s sort of like being Spiderman, that way. Would you use your newfound status for good or evil? Please cite examples where possible.
I would use my powers for evil. I’ve always wanted power, and no one gives me any responsibility. Power would be fun, because I could tell people what to do and when to do it.
I’m thinking of a number between 4 and 5. What is it?
27?
Most pageant winners do a lot of work with charity organizations. So let me ask you this: do you like beer?
I’m really not a beer girl. I’m high class with the vodka.
True or false: Bald is a sexy look. (Hint: It’s true.)
I LOVE Vin Diesel and Jason Taylor. Hello!! SEEEEEXXXXXXY!!
Do you “have it going on”, are you “all that and a bag of chips”, or have you been known to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”? List all that apply.
I’ve got it going on, I can shake it like a Polaroid picture, like a salt shaker, and I can Get Low. I’m very overqualified in this subject.
OK, we agree to go out on a date. Unless it's not a date. Heck, I can never tell, but let's call it a date anyway. It's what I'm gonna tell my co-workers tomorrow in any case. But it has to be a double-date, with any two historical figures of any era. Who do you invite to come along and what do we four do? Money’s no object.
So you, me, Chris Farley, and Marilyn Monroe fly to Vegas. Marilyn knows everyone, so I’m sure we’d become VIP everywhere. VIP status is key. Anywhere we go, it’s best to be VIP. Maybe dinner, I’d say a show but looks like one of those tiger guys has been eaten, so that’s out. Chris will entertain us by just being Chris. And Marilyn can sing to you. Plus we’d be in Vegas, warm weather equals less clothes and free alcohol for all. This could be fun!
***
Name:
Michelle Pelletier
Location (City, Town, Bit of Grass on Someone's Lawn, etc):
The Westside, the L.B.C.
Super Sexy Spy Code Name (c'mon, you know you have one):
Hots
URL (if applicable):
Not even I can share that with you, Ryan.
In your opinion, why are you the most qualified to be "Miss Ryan-McGee Dot
Com"?
See the picture attached ... it speaks for itself.
This position comes with great power and responsibility. It's sort of like being Spider-Man, that way. Would you use your newfound status for good or evil? Please cite examples where possible.
I would use it for good at times but primarily for evil - I have to admit. Let's face it when do people really use their power and responsibility for good anyway...where's the fun in that?
I'm thinking of a number between 4 and 5. What is it?
4.5, duh.
Most pageant winners do a lot of work with charity organizations. So let me
ask you this: do you like beer?
I love beer! Ah if I could only drink more of it... I wish I had one right now.... I have learned if you skip the snacks at happy hour you can drink more beer and get more drunk... kill two birds with one stone I say...and have you ever had FAT TIRE? THE best...
True or false: Bald is a sexy look. (Hint: It's true.)
I'm going with True. I hear bald men are better lovers and you can't knock what you haven't tried.
Do you "have it going on", are you "all that and a bag of chips", or have you been known to "shake it like a Polaroid picture"? List all that apply, with anecdotal references if possible.
I do "shake it like a Polaroid picture"
I have caused people to "take their shirts off and spin them around like a helicopter"
"Forshizal My nizal"
I'm "off the chain"/"off the hook"
"You are the star of my universe"
"Am I in heaven? Because I just saw an angel!"
"Is your dad a terrorist? Because you are the Bomb Baby"
"If beauty was a drop of water, then you are the ocean."
"I know that milk does a body good, but baby how much have you been drinking?"
"If beauty was time then your name must be eternity."
"You're so sweet that I'm starting to get a toothache"
"Is your dad in prison? Because he must have stolen the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."
"Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."
"Are your legs tired? Because you have been running through my mind all night."
You are the…
salsa on my chip
icing on my cake
sunshine on my shoulders
light at the end of my tunnel
carnation on my lapel
sparkle of my eye
lemon in my tea
tickle of my fancy
apple of my eye
shine on my shoes
crease of my pants
skip in my step
groove in my beat
scratch of my itch
tongue of my kiss
beat of my heart
20" rims of my ride
pep in my fuel
blossom of my flower
eruption of my volcano
OK, we agree to go out on a date. Unless it's not a date. Heck, I can never tell, but let's call it a date anyway. It's what I'm gonna tell my co-workers tomorrow in any case. But it has to be a double-date, with any two historical figures of any era. Who do you invite to come along and what do we four do? Money's no object.
Do Thelma and Louise count as historical figures?
I'd say yes but I will go with Jesus and Mary just to be safe. I figure we take a jet to Venice and meet up with Jesus and Mary and we all go on a Gondola ride in the canals... we will only need to bring water because Jesus can turn it all into wine :0) and then having Mary there will be kinda like a chaperone and will ensure that our date is G-rated. However, depending on how the ride goes - we may decide to ditch Jesus and Mary on the banks, go to the nearest saloon, kick back some beers and hit the dance floor.
***
Name:
Cynthia
Location (City, Town, Bit of Grass on Someone’s Lawn, etc):
Pullman, WA
Super Sexy Spy Code Name (c’mon, you know you have one):
Cynja the Ninja
URL (if applicable):
In your opinion, why are you the most qualified to be “Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com”?
First and most importantly, Ryan McGee has already stated that he would do me and I have proof in my comment box. Thus he already thinks I'm attractive, and that's all that matters anyway. Of course he probably says that to all the ladies, but I'm the only one who is willing to put that statement up on her title bar.
This position comes with great power and responsibility. It’s sort of like being Spider-Man, that way. Would you use your newfound status for good or evil? Please cite examples where possible.
Evil. I will demand my very own Miss Ryan McGee baby tee and model it for the express purpose of attracting male visitors to Mr. McGee's website. I will also take said males and entrance them with my ninja powers. After that, I will induct them into my army of besotted males and take over the world!
I’m thinking of a number between 4 and 5. What is it?
4.7
Most pageant winners do a lot of work with charity organizations. So let me ask you this: do you like beer?
I don't! I like hard liquor.
True or false: Bald is a sexy look. (Hint: It's true.)
The Matrix made bald sexy.
Do you “have it going on”, are you “all that and a bag of chips”, or have you been known to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”? List all that apply, with anecdotal references if possible.
I shake it like a Polaroid picture every time I hit the dance floor. Or at home, alone. With the cam on. There's evidence somewhere.
OK, we agree to go out on a date. Unless it's not a date. Heck, I can never tell, but let's call it a date anyway. It's what I'm gonna tell my co-workers tomorrow in any case. But it has to be a double-date, with any two historical figures of any era. Who do you invite to come along and what do we four do? Money’s no object.
First of all, if I go out on a date with you, it's only going to be you and me. Sorry if you wanted to meet some fascinating historical figure, but if you are going to keep up with me, you don't want any distractions. Naturally we will go dancing, to see how well you fare on the dance floor. After that, if the chemistry is there, we might make out. If there isn't, we'll work on making some chemistry. Then we'll make out. After that, we should find something interesting to do, like go to a party or jump out of a plane ( I always wanted to do that). If no parties or planes are available, then we'll wander until I find something exciting to do. Like Cancun. Let's do Cancun.
But let's be honest, you aren't taking me to Cancun or to a party, so let's eat a wee bit of food and go dance the night away. I'll teach you some new moves, I promise.
***
Name:
TLC
Location (City, Town, Bit of Grass on Someone’s Lawn, etc):
Chicago, IL ["312 Representin"]
Super Sexy Spy Code Name (c’mon, you know you have one):
The Diet Coke of Evil. And the super secret spy code word is "monkey."
In your opinion, why are you the most qualified to be “Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com”?
I'm one of Ryan's only groupies. I can stump many people about 80's and 90's songs. I'm equally comfortable sitting on my futon watching "Buffy" or Monster Garage re-runs and going out to dive bars with a bunch of my friends and making fun of trixies. I scored a 19% on a purity test and a 68% on an "are you a geek" test. I have no problems supporting whole-heartedly my favorite teams, yet also be able to make fun of them. And I'm cute.
This position comes with great power and responsibility. It’s sort of like being Spiderman, that way. Would you use your newfound status for good or evil? Please cite examples where possible.
Probably evil, because it's what I'm better at. But I'm a good evil. Does that count? My friend and I were once declared "2 cupcakes baked by the devil" by the local bartenders. I swear, we didn't do anything. Except for kiss several people. Have a couple of my friends grab our boobs. Make out with a gay man. Oh, and shake a tambourine on top of the bar for all it's worth.
I’m thinking of a number between 4 and 5. What is it?
4.375
Most pageant winners do a lot of work with charity organizations. So let me ask you this: do you like beer?
Yes. And I'm also adept at holding it between my breasts.
True or false: Bald is a sexy look. (Hint: It’s true.)
False. No true. Aaaaaaaah. *ahem* I think I'm going to go with "true" on this one, Alex.
Do you “have it going on”, are you “all that and a bag of chips”, or have you been known to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”? List all that apply.
I have enough junk in my trunk to shake it all day like a Polaroid picture and not even realize it. It's what develops that's the problem. As for the other 2 questions, do I really have to answer that? I know I'm all that and 2 circle snaps. C'mon, I collect sharp objects, old literature, watch all types of sports and have a fascination with cars and motorcycles. And that's just the beginning…
OK, we agree to go out on a date. Unless it's not a date. Heck, I can never tell, but let's call it a date anyway. It's what I'm gonna tell my co-workers tomorrow in any case. But it has to be a double-date, with any two historical figures of any era. Who do you invite to come along and what do we four do? Money’s no object.
Kurt Vonnegut and Jeannette Winterson. We go to Les Deux Magots (a café in Paris) and sit in a back corner and drink beer and absinthe. We have deep philosophical conversations about the meaning of life (with tangents into Monty Python skits and songs) that quickly denigrate into raunchy comparisons about who's had the wildest time and who has the most fucked-up dreams. Ryan finds out that he can out-Irish car bomb Vonnegut. I discover that Jack Daniels isn't always my friend yet still manage to convince Winterson I'm not a lesbian. We all end up stuffed in the back of a taxi whose driver can't understand where we're going, so we end up 30 minutes later outside of the hotel that was 10 minutes away. Many rude gestures and expletives are made at people out of the taxi windows. We all pile giggling into the elevator, while trying not to notice that the entire hotel staff is staring at us. I'm in awe that Vonnegut is giggling. In our hotel suite, Jeannette and I end up dancing in the windows in our Wellingtons and high heels, respectively. The guys trade bad cultural references while trying to decide whether or not to order a) room service, b) champagne or c) porn. Then it becomes a "choose your own ending" story.
***
I'm a lucky guy, what can I say?
Three snaps up for all these women. Hopefully you readers had as much fun as I did seeing what they put together.
Posted by Ryan McGee at February 16, 2004 12:15 PM