I spent the weekend at work, which is not how I personally like to spend the weekend. Usually, my ideal weekend involves sunbathing in Madrid, getting lotion applied to my lithe body by bikini models, sipping on gin and juice, laid back, with my mind on my money and…well, you get the gist. Not at work, is the bottom line.
I can’t remember which rapper said it, but one once said, “All I wants from this life is bitches and money.” Which sums up my world view nicely. If you substitute “love and happiness” for “bitches and money”, that is. I saw “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” on Friday, and that pretty much confirmed that screenwriter Charlie Kaufman will indeed be commissioned to write “Wading in the Velvet Movie” once Hollywood comes looking for the rights from me. I wonder whom Hollywood would cast as me. I’m thinking Taye Diggs, or maybe Kirsten Dunst. It’s a bit unclear. Both look a lot like me, especially around the eyes.
I’ll someday soon wax poetic on “Eternal”, and its take on emotional memory and how it all coincides with my personal take, but like I said, I worked all weekend. Like those old Sprite ads used to say, I wanna take a break. I wanna play in the rain. I wanna take a break. Luckily I don’t actually have to leave the apartment anymore to play in the rain, thanks to the slow decay of the roof in our top-floor apartment. And a note to all rainforest preservationists: you can grow native fauna in our stairway now, given the relative moisture and humidity that now exists there. I never thought one residential building without central air could inhabit multiple eco-systems, but then again, I was an English major, so what do I know?
One thing that came up during the rainstorm…it’s been bugging me for a while. A few people on Thursday, during the height of the downpours, said, “It’s raining like hell out there!” Way, way too many things in this world are compared to hell, and compared inaccurately, I feel. I’ve heard people say it’s “cold as hell”, “hard as hell”, “long as hell”, “fruity as hell”, “indigenous as hell”, etc. When it comes to describing the nth degree of any adjective, “hell” becomes the appropriate noun, apparently. How do we know hard hell even is? Maybe it’s spongy. Maybe Hell is lined with Nerf-like material. We don’t know, is my point. Similarly, I don’t think there’s water in hell, so don’t tell me you’re wetter than hell. It’s not really saying much, in the end.
Now, I’m all about the normal, fire-and-brimstone conception of hell. So unless you’re using the word “hot” in front of the two words “as hell”, then step off. In fact, we should be so lucky if hell is actually only 91 degrees. Yours truly is already coasting along an increasingly slippery slope into the fiery netherworld, and as such, I’m hoping for a temperature I can generally tolerate as is.
(Don’t even get me started on the construction, “Man, this is as **random adjective** as all get out…” I’ve never gotten that phrase, much like I’ve never gotten the appeal of Chris Klein.)
OK, so it’s apparent by now I’m not in possession of my full deck of cards tonight, between work and the weather and Opening Night of the Red Sox season. But as promised on Friday, I am hitting you with the Official Questionnaire for consideration in the weekly “Wading in the Velvet Sea Fan Club”, or, as it’s destined to be known, the “Enabler of the Week”. Given the worldwide success that the “Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com” pageant bestowed upon both myself and its participants (that contest is still open, hint hint), it was only natural to try and extend my reach via contests until my status as “Supreme Ruler of Earth, or At Least Boston, or At Least My Block” is secured.
So here’s the deal: you fill it out, you email it off to me, and once a week, depending on volume, I’ll post them up here for all to see. Why am I doing this? Well, a few reasons.
(OK, quick tangent: what’s up with the “Fun Size” for candy? I mean, I think we need to rename them. Nothing fun about getting basically one bite of a Milky Way bar. That’s not fun. After one bite, I’d like a second, perhaps a third. But nay, I can’t. “Fun Size” has determined that my fun is over. “Fun Size” has gone and blueballed my taste buds. We should call them “Blueballing Size”. I have issues with the term “Fun Size”, is all I’m sayin’.)
Ok, so here we go. Copy and paste this, fill it out, hit me with an email. You can send a pic if you want, preferably wearing a t-shirt that says either “Ryan is Totally Awesome” or “Ryan is Totally Babelicious”. Your choice. It won’t hurt your chances of being nominated. Your desire to eventually make out with me upon request will however affect your potential nomination.
On with the questions:
Please answer each question to the best of your ability. If you don’t know the answer to a question, just write “Boutros Boutros-Ghali”.
Name: ____________________
Location: ____________________
URL (if applicable): ____________________
How and when did you first come across the website?
Have you recommended this site to someone else? If so, what’s your pitch when you tell them about the site?
You’ve been assigned to write a blurb for the site, much like blurbs in movie print ads. What would your blurb say?
I’ve written about a lot on this site…Give me an idea or three regarding topics you’d like to see me write about. Anything’s fair game. Be creative!
OK, so I’m in jail and I call you to bail me out. What’s the maximum amount of money you’d lay down for my release, and what would you expect in return for saving me from dropped soap duty?
In an effort to gain more visibility for my site, I go on a national campaign. Midway through my tour, I stop by your area. I ask you to come up with a place to hold a meet-and-greet nearby. Where would you hold it, what type of theme would you suggest, and what three celebrities would you invite to maximize an increase in my readership?
Posted by Ryan McGee at April 04, 2004 10:18 PM