So here’s a short thought to tide you over on this Wednesday:
Are there any lonelier souls than those who report the weather on television?
Honestly. I’m flipping through the TV last night, having been fully disturbed by my first episode of “The Shield” (ye Gods), and lo, I hit a lovely young woman giving me the downlow on the jet stream. So I decide to see if I would need an umbrella the following day.
Four minutes later, I’m still waiting. This is completely unacceptable.
I can do a lot of things in four minutes. I can make myself some coffee. I can order and receive fast food. I can get to my gym from my office. I can satisfy eight women sexually. And yet I am no closer here, on Tuesday night, knowing if I need galoshes the following morning.
Again, unacceptable.
I’m sure that these people are very smart and generally good at what they do, given the fact that they in essence guess for a living. But anything beyond a 5-day forecast graphic is truly overkill for the common man. I need to know if I need a jacket tomorrow. I want to know if I should consider going to the beach this weekend. What I don’t need to know is the freakin’ pollen count in Uganda. So I know the allergic tendencies of people living in huts, but I don’t know if I should bring mittens to work. Great.
Hey, I know: you majored in meteorology and are generally useless except in your field, so you use big words, hypnotic graphics, and CGI that would put ILM to shame to convince us that we really need your 5-6 minutes per newscast. Unless you start putting Fell Beasts into your topographical mapping system though, please, stop wasting my time. When I go to a restaurant, I don’t need the cook to show me how they picked the farm, selected the cow, killed it, and served it on my tray. I just want a steak. There are some things we as a society just don’t need to know in depth.
And if we do, that’s what The Weather Channel is for. People who want to listen to reports on Heat Indexes for hours on end. People who really need to know the amount of precipitation that’s fallen in Walla Walla, Washington on the first Tuesday of each month since 1908. People for whom “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” is not a metaphor. We didn’t always have this 24-hour cure for insomnia in our basic cable package, but now we do.
And yea, you might argue that not enough people watch The Weather Channel to justify cutting your on-air time, which is why I am working on a number of reality shows for TWC in order to increase readership and get to the sports part of the broadcast faster. Taking a cue from MTV, I’m proposing the makeover show, “I Wanna Look Like a Nimbus Cloud”. Thanks to inspiration from VH1, I’m working on “100 Sexiest Tornados Ever”, “It’s Good to Be a Hurricane”, “Best Monsoon Ever”, and “Driven (Off the Road by 100 MPH Winds)”. I’m also working on a dating show called “Average El Nińo”.
So as you can see, meteorologists of the world, I’m on the case. It’s only a matter of time. We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way. I know you're hurting inside, but at this point, so am I. And that's gotta stop. The call is yours. Make it.
And for the love of God, make it in under four minutes.
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