Well, the doctors all agree that I can go off the IV drop tomorrow. Turns out that the result of “taking a sip of a Bacardi and Coke after something ridiculous happens during the ‘Nick and Jessica Variety Hour’” is “alcohol poisoning”. I read somewhere that this show was in fact a potential pilot for an eventual series. Well tie me up in a basement and call me “The Gimp”. That ain’t right.
In the meantime, in lieu of your normally scheduled blog programming, I’m going to fully direct your attention to my favorite website on the planet, Homestarruner. For those of you who wretch at the sight of that site, please, just stop now and come back tomorrow. No good can come of you reading the rest of this.
For those of you of you still here, let’s continue, shall we?
For those of you who have not followed the myriad of links to the site that I have left over the past few months, Homestarrunner consists of a remarkable series of Flash-based cartoons centered around a mix of truly original characters with their own off-kilter sensibilities. They have a “First Timer” page for those of you who need a taste of the site’s logic, and a “Characters” page that will give you a short intro to the denizens of this world, such as this one for Strong Bad, an originally peripheral character who grew in prominence as the site grew.
See, the website has been around for a few years, but only really took off in popularity with the advent of Strong Bad emails. These emails are the general introduction people have to the world of Homestarruner.com. In essence, Strong Bad, a misanthropic character that sports boxing gloves and a Mexican wrestler’s mask, answers actual fan email in the most bizarre way possible. The basic formula consists of a point-of-view over Strong Bad’s shoulder, with us watching him read his email, go into some weird flight-of-fancy sketch based on the premise of the question, and then returning to the POV of Strong Bad at his computer. (Strong Bad even breaks the process down here, much more amusingly than I just did.) It sounds like the most boring idea ever, until you see some, and realize it’s freakin’ brilliant.
Everything about Strong Bad to me is funny---his mispronunciations, made-up words, his inflections, his 80’s metal references, his songs at the beginning of each email, the hidden treats at the end of most emails…all general golden. (Especially the treats at the end of this bad boy. Go on, learn some grammar…scalawag.) There are literally 100 of these emails here, but rather than have you go through each of them, I thought I’d share my Top 6 Favorite Strong Bad Emails. Why "Top 6"? Cuz "Top 5" is played out, homie. Dat's why.
Hopefully this will provoke great merriment and discussion. Or you’ll cyber-throw things at me. Either way, I’ve garnered a response, and that’s all I can hope for at the end of the day.
For each email, I’ll list the email request, the basic plot, and my “Classic Moments”. And if you don’t like this, well, you’re reading all this, so who’s the joke really on?
Top Five Emails, in No Order, and Just What I Feel Like Today, and I’ll Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Link the One about the Sibbie, So Back Off
The Email: Someone asks Strong Bad about what an SB video game would be like.
The Plot: Strong Bad breaks it down, system by system. Everything from Atari to 8-bit Nintendo, replete with bad Japanese translation. All your Strong Bad are belong to us.
The Classic Moments: SB gets frustrated by “ye flask”. “You Can’t Control Me!” “And um…snakes?” SB’s consistent obsession with Alcatraz.
The Email: A reader asks Strong Bad if he’s ever written a children’s book.
The Plot: Strong Bad replies by taking his brother’s innocent children’s book and drawing in horrific scenes in crayon. Has to be seen to be believed. Possibly the loudest I’ve ever laughed during an initial viewing of a SB email.
The Classic Moments: Too many. “Kids can barely read as it is, so how hard can it be to write for them?” “Some people are very tall and merciless.” “Albert has.” “Tricia is a severe hottie.” What happens to Hillary’s legs.
The Email: Someone asks SB to draw a dragon, and to show his “skills of an artist” (sic).
The Plot: Strong Bad breaks it down bit by bit, leading to one of the greatest songs ever written for the site. (Yes, these guys do amazing songs as well. Just genius.) In the end, Trogdor the Burninator is released upon the thatched roof cottages of the countryside.
The Classic Moments: “A more different S”. Consummate V’s. “That looks really good, coming out…the back of his…neck there.” “Strong Mad…uh, you just keep doing your thing, man.” “TROGDOOOOOOOOOR!”
The Email: A concerned reader asks where The Cheat has been.
The Plot: SB leads us on a tragic tale of a failed robbery, leading to an emotional reunion. This one runs the gamut, folks.
The Classic Moments: Strong Bad’s pronunciation of where Detroit is. “The jumbles, man, the jumbles!” “That WAS yesterday!” The song at the end. Strong Sad’s tons of rhythm. Strong Bad’s hips.
The Email: A reader asks if SB’s town has a sports team.
The Plot: Strong Bad explains why you should never name a mascot on an empty stomach, and introduces the Golf Club Team.
The Classic Moments: Strong Bad’s intro to the email. The Cheat beating the living hell out of an 8-track player. The Dumple fight song.
The Email: A female reader tempts SB with hints of a threesome.
The Plot: SB accidentally erases the email, freaks out, starts having fantasies about them, then gets further blueballed by a Norwegian.
The Classic Moments: Just about the entire email. “There’s TWO of them!” Strong Bad’s longing for Ali…and Ali’s sister. The “Leisure Suit Larry” graphics. SB’s computer working against him at every turn.
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OK, those are my favorite five on this April evening. Sure to change. Don’t hold me down. Ain’t nobody gonna break-a my stride. Oh no. I gotta keep on moving. In the meantime, feel free to mention your favorite SB emails below, especially if I’ve egregiously left off one of your favorites.