I got 99 problems, but a blog ain't one.
MTV's hosting the awards in Miami this year, and if Gloria Estefan wins the Video Vanguard Award, I may have to throw myself out the window.
I'll be here all night, updating every few minutes. Keep hitting refresh, and see the fun (and typos) unfold. Hey, if I have to choose perfect spelling over mocking Hilary Duff, I'll choose the Duffster everytime. Just muh thang. (Update: These were spontaneous things I wrote literally as the show went on. I have cleaned up what I could, but I'll fix what's left after work today. Sorry.)
Here we go. Deep breath, y'all.
6:30 pm: First celebrity they show? Jimmy Fallon. We're in trouble and we've barely started.
6:31 pm: My over/under on a Crockett/Tubbs reference is 24 minutes.
6:32 pm: John Norris just tried to speak in Spanish. We're only two minutes in and I'm looking for the booze.
6:33 pm: Wait, so all the stars are arriving via yacht? Isn't there enough of a traffic jam when they arrive in limos? This show isn't going to start until midnight, I know it.
6:34 pm: There may be nothing greater that watching VJ Sway go live. He's always 18 seconds away from a coronary. And from completely mangling the English language.
6:36 pm: From earlier today...They are touring Usher's boat. Something tells me he doesn't do 8-minute abs. More like 8 hour abs. Those things can stop bullets. Not that I, you know, spend time checking his abs out. But still. OK, let's pretend this never happened.
6:37 pm: Whew, that was close, I thought John Norris was just about to propose marriage to Usher next to his yacht. We all avoided that bullet. There's butt kissing, really bad butt kissing, and the full-on smoochage John just gave Mr. Abs of Steel.
6:42 pm: My brother just called asking me to change his fantasy draft picks, so I'll never know Jessica Simpson's opinion on the nautical industry. His Christmas present just got seriously downgraded.
6:43 pm: As if being married to Jessica isn't enough for poor Nick, he has to deal with her father Joe, who's the model for Bravo's "Showbiz Moms and Dads". How has he not throw himself under a car?
6:45 pm: No Doubt is being interviewed by John (N to the Nizzle) Norris. This will appear on the next No Doubt DVD under the featurette "When Gwen Realized She Didn't Need These Guys Anymore".
6:46 pm: Lil Kim is there on the interview platform with Hoobastank. Hrm. "One of these things...is doing its own thing..."
6:48 pm: Wow. They found the whitest girl ever and put her next to Jadakiss. They didn't even ask her to dance, just walk, and she STILL couldn't keep the rhythm. One ill-timed step for her, one terrible step for Caucasian-kind.
6:50 pm: The shirts Jadakiss and the crowd bear says, "Why?" My ears are asking the exact same thing right now. I'm officially getting old. This hippity hop the kids like...I dunno. I guess I just miss the good ol' days, when rappers had uplifting messages of hope such as "f#ck da police". Sigh.
6:51 pm: Sway's temple just burst on live television. That was a "Nip/Tuck" moment in terms of gruesomeness. I'd look up the spelling for "gruesomeness" if I had time, but I gots to keep typing. It just looks funny. Sort of like the word "Sade". Just doesn't add up. Oh well. Moving on.
6:53 pm: Has SuChin Pak always spelled her name that way, with the capital "C" in "SuChin"? That's how MTV's website lists her. The extra capital letter won't hide the fact that her high point in journalism consists of getting backstage with Good Charlotte.
6:54 pm: Alicia Keyes just promised I'd never forget her performance. What I'm sure I'll never forget is the dead beaver that up and leapt on her head. *peers closer* Oh, that's her hairstyle. Nevermind.
6:55 pm: Gideon Yago earns his journalistic stripes and actually finds a Latina in Miami. Oh yea? Let's see you find a find a Jewish person, showoff.
6:57 pm: They released Kurt Loder from his cryogenic chamber to help host the pre-show. This guy ages in Dick Clark years. Stunning. He's reading off award winners as if he's reading off names on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Man, if MTV can't get excited about this show, how can I?
7:00 pm: Lil Jon continues to do Dave Chappelle's parody of Lil Jon. And it continues to be really strange. Imagine if George Bush started to do Will Ferrell's impression of him. Wait, he sorta already does.
7:04 pm: Seriously, why are JoJo's parents even letting her date? We need to talk about this lack of appropriate parenting. She's 13 now, meaning that this breakup in "Get Out" took place when she was 12 years old. Man, R. Kelly just can't be stopped sometimes.
7:10 pm: She's aliiiiiiiiiive! J. Lo with J. No(rris). The chances of him asking about Marc Anthony are as good as the chances of Gideon Yago asking Pamela Anderson about her Hep C condition.
7:11 pm: I know Xtina Aguilera insists that she's beautiful, no matter what I say. And that words can't bring her down. But I bet a sandbag attached to her ankle could bring her down to the bottom of the Atlantic. Just saying.
7:15 pm: I'm now downstairs in the living room on the roommate's computer. 27'' TV in front of me, surround sound speakers, and a laptop all in the same room. And yet, they're threatening to let Ashlee Simpson perform after the commercial break. Oh well, you take the good with the bad, I guess.
7:21 pm: Paris Hilton and Good Charlotte together. At last. It’s just like chocolate and peanut butter, only instead of two great tastes that taste great together, it's two things I want to throw jagged things at.
7:22 pm: Kurt: “So what’s your album like, Paris?” Paris: “It comes out in January.” Wow. Sometimes brevity is the soul of wit, and sometimes it’s the soul of Mistress Skankula.
7:25 pm: The lead singer of New Found Glory looks like a de-'roided version of Henry Rollins. And the lead guitarist is wearing a bright pink Izod shirt. Someone, for the love of Green Day, make this stop. There's no place like home, there's no place like home...
7:29 pm: I’m going to leave it up to the professionals to explain why Bruce Willis showed up on P. Diddy’s boat. And why Naomi Campbell's doing her impression of Iman in the Michael Jackson "Remember the Time" video.
7:31 pm: P. Diddy just said that Miami is “one of [his] second homes”. Can you really have more than one second house? At some point, some house has to be the third house. Maybe Diddy don’t wanna offend any of his many houses watching from home. I mean, I heard the one in the Hamptons is a TOTAL diva.
7:32 pm: In the category of “White People Saying Things They Shouldn’t”, Bruce just told John No-No-Norris that, “I’m just here running with my friend Sean.” White people shouldn’t run with anybody unless it’s David Lee Roth and he’s running with the devil. It’s just a personal opinion. Like Andre 3000, I’m just being honest.
7:36 pm: Man, first that New Found Glory dude, now Fat Joe’s rockin’ the pink. If Dave Chappelle shows up in a pink poncho, I may have to lean back….and slit my wrists.
7:38 pm: Lord on High, I pray to thee: stop having John Norris interview hip-hop artists. I’ll take Sway’s ever-expanding jugular over this. I’ll go back to Church. I’ll stop pushing cripples into traffic. Honestly.
7:41 pm: SuChin and KuRt are announcing roughly 117 awards. Are they saving any for the actual show? They just showed “Breakthrough Video”, “Best Direction”, and “Best Crunked Up Ho in a Video”.
7:43 pm: In the next version of “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City”, can we have a “Take Out John Norris” mission? Is that too much to ask?
7:45 pm: OK, Mase just stepped in front of the Black Eyed Peas Fergie, denying me visual access to her cleavage. And this is supposed to be a holy man? He's only making me use the Lord's name in vain at the moment.
7:47 pm: Lemmee sum up the subtextual answer so far to every artist when asked, “How do you like your chances to win an award?”: “Like I give a crap. Where's the Cristal and strippers?”
7:48 pm: Lenny Kravitz is shilling for Target. Gee, for a while I thought he’d lost all credibility and was merely a cash whore. Whew, thank God that myth’s been dispelled.
7:52 pm: What would really make this awards show stand out from all others is if, halfway through the show, Ashlee Simpson got up, just clocked her sister with a steel chair, and aligned herself with Velvet Revolver. That, I feel, was give it that "little bit extra" needed to push it over the top.
7:55 pm: They are doing a recap...of all the boat arrivals. Next, they are gonna show real-time footage of grass growing, which promises to be marginally more entertaining.
7:57 pm: Hilary Duff is going to present the Best Rap Video. Cruel fate is dropping the soap hardcore on me.
7:58 pm: LL Cool J is standing with two women wearing t-shirts with televisions embedded inside, showing his video. Up next: plasma-screen thongs. Just wait and see.
7:59 pm: John "Ryan McGee's Future Best Man" Norris just made the "Miami Vice" reference. I lost the bet. Oh well. Show's about to start. Brace yourself. Meanwhile, I'll brace my wrists.
8:01 pm: Well, now we know where Indiana Jones' fedora ended up: on J Lo's head.
8:03 pm: OK, we've got Usher in the rain near electrical equipment. This has the potential to last roughly thirty seconds before he further emulates Michael Jackson and bursts into flames onstage.
8:05 pm: I'm so disorientated: I haven't a clue where the audience is. Maybe Usher's not even there. Maybe he's in Cleveland. Yea! Yea! OK!
8:07 pm: They are revealing the layout bit by bit, showing they will have multiple performance stages through the arena, including one with a trampoline for maximum Cirque du Soleil-action.
8:09 pm: Ahh, the beauty of TV editing: they are cutting between Usher dancing and the fat dudes in the pit dancing. That's jarring. That's like watching a Jenna Jameson porn intercut with the one you did you did with your GF that one time. Not that I've done this, of course. And now my new roommate will be looking through my VHS collection. Fabulous.
8:11 pm: It's Jesus descending for the Rapture! Oh wait, it's just Will Smith, my bad. Someone needs to tell him it's hard to get chants of "Miami!" going when he's wear head-to-toe Phillies gear.
8:13 pm: Is David Stern producing the VMAs? I mean, I like Shaq as much as anybody, but this is MTV, not ESPN, y'all. Just saying. Also, Shaq? Don't hurt me.
8:14 pm: I hope Avril wins "Best Pop Video" on the off-chance she'll pull a Fiona Apple and tell us all that the world sucks. That would rule.
8:16 pm: While No Doubt thanks their people for winning the award, I'd like to thank the guy in the truck for providing us with a clear shot of her ass. Yes, I'm a guy. Deal.
8:21 pm: The promo ad for the "Real World" just featured 45 seconds of makeouts and 3somes. The last few years have raised the bar so high that anything besides a full-on orgy involving midgets and that dude who played "Skippy" on "Family Ties" will disappoint. I think these guys can rise up to the task, though.
8:24 pm: I'm glad Jay Z won for "Best Rap Video", since he told me last week in Starbucks that one of his life-long dreams was to win an award announced by Hilary Duff and Matthew Lillard.
8:26 pm: They are showing Shakira. From the front. That's a crime again humanity. The booty...show...the...damn...booty.
8:27 pm: Hearing Shakira pronounce "Hoobastank" is like hearing Bush pronouncing "nuclear". This is ugly. Luckily, Jet's got go-go dancers to cheer me up. That was thoughtful of them.
8:31 pm: Man, the lead singer of Hoobastank is winning the Nick Carter "Man, He Should Never Ever Sing Live" Award. I didn't think it was possible to hate this song more than I already did, but these boys are doing an admirable job proving me wrong.
8:32 pm: Man, Yellowcard has an electric violinist. "Come On, Eileen" this ain't. Make sure to check out their upcoming tour, entiteld "Rivermosh".
8:34 pm: Putting these three bands together is MTV's way of saying, "OK, even we can't really tell these bands apart." Little sad, really.
8:42 pm: Commercial break, check out the Olympics closing ceremony. What about the Olympics necessitates a bookending of expensive performance art? Just curious. I'm happy to see fifty people in a manufactured wheat field and all, but honestly.
8:44 pm: Just gonna pretend this "Omarian sings all the Best Female Artist songs" thing never, ever happened. Like the way Bill Simmons denies the existance of "Rocky V". Same deal.
8:47 pm: Marc Anthony has this great "I just totally did J Lo backstage" look to him. Somewhere Chris Judd is saying, "Just give it six months, a-hole."
8:49 pm: Given the production so far, it's clear the best seat in the house is clearly at home on your couch. Too much stuff through the crowd, too many performance places...it's clear MTV's copping the European style of award shows. It makes for a better viewing experience than in years past, but must be hell on the audience.
8:51 pm: OK, I'm ignorant...is that Chaka Khan onstage with Kanye?
8:52 pm: It is Chaka Khan. Pulled her name so far out my ass that I picked my nose in the process.
8:54 pm: Well, 54 minutes into the show, and no wardrobe malfunctions yet. I'm still waiting for the fat chick in the pit to pop out of her shirt. Yea, I called her fat, look at me, I'm skinny. Ain't stoppin' me from gettin' busy.
8:58 pm: Xtina: "How cool is it to have Prince reigning over the music industry again?" The Pit Crowd: "Who the f$ck is Prince?"
9:01 pm: The pit crowd has more props than Carrot Top. This is getting a bit ridiculous. They have towels, candles, and now placards of Usher. My vote is give them all tazers and have them remove themselves from the gene pool one by one. I need to run these shows, I'm tell you.
9:02 pm: "Ladies and gentlemen, MTV's own Carson Daly." Um, isn't he on NBC now? At 1:30 am? And isn't the world a better place with him there where no one is really seeing or hearing him?
9:04 pm: Jenna Bush: "There are two things we can agree on. One, is the importance of voting. The second is the importance of body shots." Well, that's what she SHOULD have said.
9:06 pm: Lenny Kravitz's intro: "M-I-A!" Is he talking about the city or his career?
9:08 pm: My roommate: "Alicia Keys has a beautiful voice, but she talks likes ass." Maybe I'll parse that someday. Maybe not.
9:12 pm: If I see one more of these Virgin Phone commercials where they sing instead of talk, I may have to punch the next person I see using one. These are beyond annoying. Almost as bad as those print ads for Pria energy bars for women where they feature women who look like they are about to eat their offspring.
9:15 pm: I ain't gonna knock Chappelle; he rocks. Sorry.
9:17 pm: So wait, they have the option of showing Lil Jon's mug or the strippers in the back, and they show Lil Jon? It's official. I hate the FCC.
9:18 pm: I thought I was having problems with my sound, and then just realized they had to bleep every other word. Oops. Meanwhile, they are showing every rap artist in the building to show solidarity. I'm waiting for them to show Lindsey Lohan if Hilary Duff performs. That should be classic.
9:20 pm: I'm not a fashion maven or nuttin', but what's up with the dude wearing the ski mask, indoors, in Miami? That's just a bit much.
9:22 pm: Now, if Fat Joe really did lean back, he'd just fall over. You're thinking it; I'm just saying it.
9:24 pm: OK, I can die happy now. I just saw Bruce Willis leaning back with P. Diddy. I thought my own dad was doing OK post-divorce, but Bruce just trumped his ass hard-core.
9:26 pm: Best Rock Videos up next. Oh yea, The Darkness. They like, existed, didn't they? Forgot all about that.
9:28 pm: The crowd clearly has no idea who Jet is. Doubtful they even remember that this band performed half an hour ago. Just sad.
9:30 pm: After the "Best Video Game Soundtrack Award" (what???), they'll have the award for "Best Video by an Ugly Younger Sister of a Hotter Older One".
9:32 pm: Hey, it's Ashley Olson. Where is Mary-Kate? Oops, sorry, the mic stand was concealing her. (Ooooh. And a chill filled the room...)
9:34 pm: Backstage at this moment: "Just cut the support cable! Do it!" "Mr. Lachey, I'm sorry, I just can't..." "Here's $10,000 do it! Down with the airheaded harpy!" "Security! Help!"
9:36 pm: Well, there's a few constants in the universe: death, taxes, and "Jessica Simpson looking completely constipated when trying to hit the high notes".
9:40 pm: I'm just not getting this whole "Video Game Soundtrack" thing. I mean, what's next? "Best Playlist on Your IPod"? "Best MixTape Used To Get a Girl's Panties Off?" Where will it end, people?
9:46 pm: Just saw a commercial for another "Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes". If the Miz and Veronica are in this one as well, I'm going to rethink this whole "needing an actual job to survive" thing, since they clearly know something I don't.
9:50 pm: I thought they forgot Jimmy Fallon's name accidentally, and it was probably the greatest moment of my life. Turns out it was all a work. Drat.
9:52 pm: I'm torn on Best Hip Hop video. On the one hand, there's Outkast's "Hey Ya!", my vote for the best single of the last five years. On the other hand, we have Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas shaking her phenomenal booty. I'm torn. I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel.
9:54 pm: We all almost just watched the lead singer of the Flaming Lips die in a huge bubble. That would have been a mixture of "tragic" and "kinda cool, in a weird way".
9:56 pm: I'm putting the odds on "they crazy-glued Xtina's outfit to her bare flesh to ensure no wardobe malfunction" at 3:2.
10:01 pm: Not sure how the theme from "Superfly" inspired a flapper-themed performance, but then again, I'm here on a couch 2,000 miles away from the awards for a reason, I guess.
10:09 pm: P. Diddy and Mase onstage together. Let's get Bruce up there and have them do their rendition of "Shake Ya Tailfeather". Or maybe go even more old' school and sing the old "Seagram's Wise Cooler" song.
10:11 pm: OK, Mase is either really trying to hawk his new album "Welcome Back", or he's autistic. One of the two. You decide. "Welcome back...uh oh, Wopner's on at 5..."
10:14 pm: OK, I heard rumors that those beach volleyball chicks would be here. And so far, nuttin'. That ain't right.
10:16 pm: Did Usher just call out Justin Timberlake? This could be the TRL version of Tupac/Biggie. If MTV was smart, they'd call up Vince McMahon and figure out a way to build this feud to a fever pitch by next summer, leading to the inevitable Steel Cage Match at the MTV Music Awards.
10:18 pm: Wow. I can't believe my eyes and ears. Stevie Wonder performing "Higher Ground". I can't believe it since it's something on this awards show that doesn't physically hurt to watch.
10:20 pm: Is Lenny Kravitz auditioning for "Beastmaster 3"? What's up with that top?
10:22 pm: OK, that was the performance of the night, hands down. Until Paris Hilton has sex live onstage after commercial break.
10:26 pm: Study question: what yields the higher number: the fingers on my hands or the collective IQs of Nick Lechay and Paris Hilton?
10:30 pm: It's official: I'm old. Haven't heard of half of the nominees for "Viewers' Choice Award". As Xander Harris said, "Shoot me, stuff me, mount me."
10:32 pm: Line of the night, from Marilyn Manson, when asked how he arrived to the awards: "I rode in on Mandy Moore." Lucky. Bastard.
10:34 pm: OK, I get it, Target, Sarah Jessica Parker has a nice ass. Duly noted. Can we move on, please?
10:37 pm: While we're in commercial break, just wanna give my props to Scott Baio for appearing in "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2", in theatres everywhere. If we can only get Willie Ames to stop doing "Bibleman" and give us the long-awaited big-screen version of "Charles in Charge", the world would be a better place.
10:42 pm: Mike D. from the Beastie Boys is on the Mary-Kate Olson diet. Someone get him a sandwich, stat.
10:44 pm: Nice to see Yellowcard win, if for no other reason that I always root for lead singers who look like Alan Cummings' younger brother.
10:45 pm: The juxtaposition of Yellowcard giving a heartfelt acceptance speech in front of a dude in a Bigfoot costume is just freakin' surreal. It's like if the President gave the State of the Union in a strip club.
10:48 pm: Straight from the newly reformed Branch Davidian, it's the Polyphonic Spree!
10:51 pm: OK, let's take a bet on how many people in the Polyphonic Spree are wearing underwear. My guess is 7.
10:52 pm: See, NOW is the time I wanna see people like Jay Z and LL Cool J, just to see their reaction. Not during Kanye, but during this.
10:54 pm: No one in the audience knew when the song was over. Reminds me of when the high school orchestra would play, and none of us knew when to clap. Good times. Ignorance is hilarious. What can I say?
10:57 pm: Stat of the Night: 23.5. That's the number of inches of cleavage all night. Hell, Aretha had more herself at the 2003 Grammys. We're taking some major steps backwards as a culture. (And yes, it's a tough job, but I monitor these things for the good of all. It's my life...my destiny...my curse. Sorta like "Van Helsing" without the bad Kate Beckinsale accents.
11:00 pm: My prayers have been answered. There be beach volleyball babes here. Amen. I love America.
11:01 pm: Honestly, Linkin Park has more lives than "Yes, Dear". Doesn't seem possible that they are still around, but there they are. Sorta like that nasty fungus you can't get rid of. Yea, you, I'm looking right at ya.
11:03 pm: Well, it wasn't a McGreedy-esque announcement, but I'm pretty sure the dude in Linkin Park just outed himself. Now I feel bad for hating them. Oh wait, I just hate their music. Nevermind. My hate, like Celine Dion's heart, will go on.
11:08 pm: Well, last year they brought back Guns 'n Roses for the end. This year, who will they re-unite? As for myself, I'm hoping it's Winger. Or Warrant. Either one will sate me. Cuz she's only seventeen, and heaven isn't too far away.
11:12 pm: It's goth queen Amy Lee and goth king...John Mellencamp?
11:13 pm: Andre 3000's performing "Prototype". The crowd is quietly trying to figure out who that old dude next to Amy Lee was.
11:15 pm: "OK, for the millionth time, 'Hey Ya!' Goddamnit." Ouch.
11:16 pm: OK, I'm not lyrical expert, but I'm fairly certain this song has absolutely nothing to do with the Electoral College, no matter what production values MTV wants to transpose on it.
11:18 pm: Man, Andre 3000 is making MTV PAY for forcing him to sing this song. Just a really, really weird way to end the show.
11:20 pm: That's it, folks. Done and done. What did YOU think of the awards?
Posted by Ryan McGee at August 29, 2004 06:28 PM