Thanks to Boston Common, I found this link to an NPR piece about Boston accents. I had to find this piece through a website, for while I do live in Cambridge, Massachusetts, I’m not an NPR-loving commie. My overall snob factor rates only a 67, and it’s clearly stated in the Cambridge by-laws that only those above 78 get to listen to NPR. I could of course start spending at least 90 minutes a day in a Starbucks and pretend like I’m in a Parisian bistro, earning 5 valuable snob points, but really, just can’t be bothered. (I do however look forward to the day where I can earn valuable “I have seven degrees but can’t afford a car but I’m better than you so I’ll walk in front of yours during a green light” points in my 50’s, if I make it that long in this city.) So instead, I’ll settle for being a web geek and getting my information this way.

I have my own tortured relationship with the Boston accent. See, back in high school, I asked it to the winter social, and it said yes, but then claimed it didn’t have enough money for a dress, so imagine my surprise when I saw it slow-dancing with Bobby Tennison to Richard Marx’s “Right Here Waiting”. So ever since, yea, been a bit of a rough relationship. And unlike past loves, well, this one didn’t have the sense to leave the state soon after the breakup. It stuck around long after.

When I went to private school, I met lots of people from not only all over America, but all over the world. Something like 45 states and 20-something countries. A melting pot. And it’s true, what they say. We might all seem different at first, but we all deep down have some things in common. And one of those things happens to be “finding the Boston accent patently ridiculous and hysterical and an overall affront to linguistics as a genre”. People got me to say things with “r”s in them whenever possible. After a few weeks, I grew self-conscious of my accent, and made sure I would PARK my CAR and such. Still, I didn’t realize that my “er”s at the end of any comparative adjective would inevitably be dropped for an “ah”, and if I’m only been quickah on the draw, I would have saved myself a lot more ridicule.

(Let’s not even discuss how many words have added syllables thanks to this accent. “Clear” should have only one syllable, but on a wicked cleeyah day down by the hahbah, it’s got two. Pissah? Not.)

One weird thing about accents: no one seems to like their own, yet can’t get enough of others’ accents. I’m a sucker, like most Americans, for British accents. Love them. To wit: Angelina Jolie? Fairly hot, if clinically insane. But Angelina Jolie in a British accent? Almost makes “Tomb Raider” watchable. Hoo ah. Smokin’. Minnie Driver on her own? Eh, I can take her or leave her. But I had a fiery passion for her in the ensuing six months after seeing “An Ideal Husband”. Southern accents, Parisian accents, Pig Latin accents...I eat them all up.

But I can’t figure out why anyone thinks a Boston accent is “cute”, or God forbid, “sexy”. But I’ve heard women unironically say both of these things over the years. The NPR piece has this bit about how our stubborn refusal to pronounce 1/8th of the alphabet translates into a fierce regional pride, but I just think we’re generally too drunk to get all those pesky letters out of our mouth. It’s just easier to ignore them. I know that when I visit my folks, the accent slips right back into my mouth. I have to fight it. It’s like a reformed junkie visiting his friends back in the crack den twice a month. It’s really easy to fall back into old habits. But I’m with my folks, I’m generally relaxed, want to take it easy, and all of a sudden, my propah accent’s a gonah.

OK, I shouldn’t say “proper”, since that implies there’s one and only way to talk. Actually, there is. We should all talk like The Cheat. Then the world would be a better place, methinks. I know I might actually pay more attention to presidential debates if they came out talking about the war on terror in this voice. It’s not like I can understand what they’re saying as is, so this can’t possibly be a downgrade. And Kerry throwing a busy of Martin van Buren might have secured him the votes needed to become President. Just a theory. I could be wrong.

Highly unlikely, but I’ll allow that the slim chance does exist.