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December 17, 2002
veiled drama
Last night Jenny and I had dinner with two mutual friends, and for some reasons weddings came up. Not any plans for anyone at the table, per say, but in talking about my cousin’s wedding last week, some serious horror stories came up. So I’ll just relate them to the best of my ability, cuz yo, the shite be scary.
The first stories centered around psychotic mothers of the groom. Now, we’re not talking run of the mill, ‘I am having a hard time letting go of my son’ moms. No, we’re talking, ‘Won’t tell the bride where the rehearsal dinner is.’ Seriously, she had to find out from someone in the wedding party at the rehearsal. For the ‘surprise’ bridal shower, she was conveniently two and a half hours late to the shower, forcing her son to come up with a reason why he was driving his fiancé in circles for that long. And to cap it all off, 10 minutes before the ceremony, she kidnapped the groomsmen. Seriously. They disappeared into the hotel without a trace. Eventually the marriage did go on, but yeesh.
Of course, this just set the stage for the story of the HyperSexual Mormon (HSM).
HSM is a student. She had been dating Jeff, the male version of a HSM, which is terribly convenient for both of them. Jeff lives in Las Vegas. Apparently, the female HSM had spent every natural resource at her current university and had to go to Vegas to find fresh meat that she hadn’t tainted.
Meanwhile, at HSM’s school is another boy, also named Jeff. Jeff the Second is dating a girl but starts boinking HSM because, well, she’s an HSM. Jeff the Second feels bad, in possibly the only shred of morality in this entire saga. So HSM runs back to the VegasJeff, and they summarily get engaged this October. Set a wedding date for late December. HSM then comes back to her school, and tells Jeff the Second that she’s engaged, but if he wants her back, she’ll call off the wedding.
I’ll leave you time now to get the Dramamine, if you’re as motion-sick as I am over this.
Jeff the Second, still somewhat lionhearted, says he couldn’t break up a marriage, and by the way HSM, I’m dating someone you frickin’ psycho ho bag! (OK, everything from ‘I’m’ on I made up, but jeez Louise, this girl sees more ass than a rental car, I don’t feel terribly bad).
So, wedding plans are being made, quite rapidly as they left themselves 2 months basically to plan a wedding. HSM and VegasJeff go to his parent’s house for Thanskgiving. VegasJeff’s Mom offers HSM some turkey.
‘No, thanks, Mrs. Vegas,’ she says, ‘But I am a vegetarian.’
The mother puts the knife down, looks at her, and says, ‘Well, what’s going to happen when you’re married to my son??? Are you not going to serve him meat???’
I’ve spent the last ten minutes trying to come up with a punchline to live up to that comment, and really, it just can’t be done. I mean, what do you say to that? Man, sometimes hypersexual Mormons got it bad, yo.
So HSM confronts VegasJeff after dinner, and is furious (and for once I’ll side with HSM) for him not sticking up for his future wife. VegasJeff, ever the sensitive man with half a ballsack, turns and says, ‘Well, it’s my MOTHER! Of COURSE I am gonna side with her!’
These types of situations are why God allowed Man to invent running shoes.
So HSM comes back, all distraught. Has her bridal shower anyways, which turns out to be five girls in a dorm drinking cheap champagne. VegasJeff is still halfway across the country. They're getting married in December, and oh did I mention that they are both seniors who have six months of school left, so they will get married, go on a honeymoon ostensibly, and then go back for Spring Semester (in HSM’s case, possibly to film ‘Mormons Gone Wild’ in Cancun during Spring Break).
So, all this time, Jeff the Second is thinking he made a mistake. Why didn’t he dump his perfectly oblivious girlfriend and get with HSM? Meanwhile, the maid of honor has already dropped plane fare, maid of honor dress, and a bridal shower on her AmEx. When HSM broke down to her, saying she didn’t know if she could go through with it, the maid of honor says, ‘Are you kidding? I’ve already spent $700 on you!’
Point is, HSM is surrounded by loving, caring individuals who carefully watch what they say and always look to spare her feelings.
Yikes. Pardon me while I shower to get the scent of this story off of me.
So we’re two weeks away from the wedding? Will they get married? Will they serve roast beef at the dinner? Will Jeff the Second storm the wedding, wielding a bottle of alcohol to hold the non-hypersexual Mormons at bay? Will the maid of honor get a refund on the dress?
I dunno about you, but I think if they offered this storyline to ‘Passions’, the writers would reject it as ‘lacking in reality’.
Posted by Ryan McGee at December 17, 2002 09:03 AM
Comments
Aren't Jeff the Second and Beta Jeff synonyms? I'm so confused!
Posted by: Commander Foley at December 17, 2002 09:48 AM
OK, Beta is the 2nd letter of the Greek alphabet, but also used to describe the protoype of a product. So is my use of "beta" correct or not?
Any suggestions as the what I should call these two for universal clarification? "Jeff1" and "Jeff2"? "Mutt" and "Jeff"? "Dumb" and "Dumber"?
Posted by: ryan at December 17, 2002 09:51 AM
Yeah, it's confusing. Especially since he's not really a prototype. I would've used "alpha Jeff", since alpha is the first letter of the Greek alphabet and that Jeff came first.
Posted by: Michael at December 17, 2002 10:13 AM
OK, "VegasJeff" and "Jeff the Second", lest this whole thing become a War of the Roses scenario.
"As Hypersexual Mormon IV strove to maintain her dignity, Falstaff again raised a cup of ale..."
Posted by: ryan at December 17, 2002 10:21 AM
Ooo, ooo, can we call one of them the Ur-Jeff?
Posted by: Commander Foley at December 17, 2002 01:41 PM
What in the...no! Bad Tim! No biscuit!
Posted by: ryan at December 17, 2002 01:56 PM
Do they need someone to do their wedding video??? "Mormons Gone Wild"
Posted by: Gidget at December 17, 2002 02:21 PM
I'd have a camera set for the entrance of Jeff the Second with a big bowl of tofu waiting to take her away from all the pain.
Posted by: ryan at December 17, 2002 02:27 PM
Is this a common thing - the HSM? I ask because there is a Mormon girl in my office, and while she has now settled into married bliss (oxymoron?) and being a good mom, her early days were rather wild and sex-filled from what she has told me. I don't recall any mention of this in the literature from the Latter Day Saints.
Posted by: Lori at December 17, 2002 04:34 PM
I don't suppose either of these Jeff blokes were born on the 4th day of Jeff, Nineteen Jeffty-Jeff?
Posted by: Commander Foley at December 17, 2002 05:36 PM
So he typed in "Jeff" and HEY!
Posted by: ryan at December 19, 2002 03:42 PM
I would also like to point out that today's Sports Guy column mentioned a guy who moved to Vegas and got involved with a Mormon.
Posted by: Commander Foley at December 19, 2002 04:34 PM
OK. My name is Jeff, i live in Vegas, and i own and run www.vegasjeff.com. I found this story on the google search. I wanted to let you know that this story has NOTHING to do with me. {Or at least i don't think it does.} It is entertaining tho. Oh well, thats all i wanted to say.
Jeff
Oh, BTW, i am in my late 30's and am single, if any ladies would like to drop me a line, and im NOT Mormon.
Posted by: Jeff at March 2, 2003 11:52 PM