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January 31, 2003
Blogger's Bill of Rights
Given the recent spat of government-based computers hitting my site, and given the potential upheavals in our every day society with impending war staring all of us in the face, I thought it best to re-examine the basis of our democratic society. Reading it over, I realize that, in this fractured world of blogging, we might ourselves need a Bill of Rights, a set of guidelines that accurately reflect how this virtual society works and how it might best continue.
I am not preventing Congress’ ability to enact laws, but the collective Internet must help as well in this most important mission. Thus, I propose the formation of ‘Congress-Net’, which might sound impossibly bureaucratic, but really, how much damage could adding the Internet to the tangled red-tape of Congress really affect? It’s like adding a teaspoon of water to the ocean.
Below I’ve listed the original amendments, and how they will be applied in our New World Order of the Internet:
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
Congress-Net shall make no law prohibiting the expression of religion, the free posting thereof, or abridge the freedom of speech, even those posts which ramble on with absolutely no point, bad grammar, and/or contradictory statements. Our forefathers however invented the ‘Comments Box’ for readers to peacefully assemble to petition the author for a redress of grievances, or for just simply to call them a dumbass.
Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
A well-regulated arsenal of opinions, witticisms, and thought-provoking comments, necessary to the security and well-being of a free and open blogosphere, the right of people to keep and bear outrageous theories on who wins ‘Joe Millioniare’ shall not be infringed.
Amendment III
No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
No writer shall, in time of peace by blogrolled in any site, without the consent of the blogger, nor in time of war, be rudely unlinked without dozens of sites going into a major tizzy and all normal posting being halted until two people who have never met in real life kiss and make up.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
The right to people to be secure in that fact that their content will not be simply copied and pasted into emails or, say on a Ricki Lake feedback site, hereby defined as unreasonable and causing the original author seizures, shall not be violated, like a prisoner on ‘Oz’, and oaths and affirmations given that, in the place searched, the content be not seized. Damnit.
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
No person shall be held to answer for a particularly infamous post, unless called out by a few dozen blogs, except in cases where members of the government are caught checking out your site, even though we are almost in a time of war and public danger, nor shall such posts be recalled more than once in order to make the author look like a recanting loser, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or a cable modem connection, without due process of law or ComCast hiking up the rates first, nor shall bandwidth be assigned without just compensation for the hosting companies.
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
In all flame wars, the accused shall enjoy the right to speedy and quick judgment by people who in most cases have no idea 1) what the true nature of the situation is, 2) often have never met the parties involved, and 3) have what our legal department defines as ‘one heckuva pole up their ass’ in general, often by a completely partial jury, regardless of distance to the district in which the offense occurred, to be passive-aggressively confronted via comments from thousands of miles away, with no assistance of counsel in one’s defense.
Amendment VII
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
In all suits of donations, where the value of such is over $20, the right to trial by jury is waived, and you can deposit it directly into my PayPal account, free from taxation, according to the common law of ‘damnit, I’m broke’.
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Excessive email shall not be required, nor excessive groveling imposed, nor cruel and unusual penance via apologetic blog entries shall be inflicted.
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Just because certain rules aren’t laid out in this Bill of Rights, it doesn’t give you the right to call Jennifer Garner a drag queen.
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
Any power not given to Congress-Net, nor prohibited to individual blogs, are reserved for me to rule despotically over anything I see fit.
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Hopefully these guidelines will enhance everyone’s enjoyment of the blogging world. For newcomers looking for guidelines into this brave new world, these simple rules should both aid your journey and increase the number of $20 donations into my bank account. Both of these things, my fellow citizens, are near and dear to my heart, and I am sure yours as well. And if you don’t believe in these rules, well, the terrorists have already won.
God Speed, fellow netizens. For more political food for thought, check out Moxie's attempts at swaying legislation.
Posted by Ryan McGee at January 31, 2003 04:40 PM
Comments
Excellent Ryan! Thanks for the laugh :)
Posted by: moxie at January 31, 2003 04:58 PM
Is it blogasphere or blogosphere? I've always read blogosphere, as in biosphere. Check it out at google, blogosphere outnumbers blogasphere. Stephen Levy used "blogosphere" in his much discussed article in Newsweek.
http://www.jacobsen.no/anders/blog/archives/2002/08/19/living_in_the_blogosphere.html
Posted by: lawrence at February 1, 2003 01:52 PM
Changed it, thanks!
Posted by: ryan at February 2, 2003 01:07 AM