Wading in the Velvet Sea

So, in today’s installment of ‘Ryan Helps Men and Women Get Along’ (sorry for the hetersosexist bent, y’all), I humbly propose that all women sit down and write their own instructional manuals.

Now, now, simmer down, lemmee explain.

The need for an instruction manual is predicated on two primary assumptions/realities of every day life:

1) All women assume that men are dumb, ignorant beasts who, besides knowing when to inappropriately scratch themselves, are complete fools devoid of any semblance of intelligence.

2) All women assume that men are mind readers who know every single throughout and emotion a woman is having at the exact moment she is having it and by golly should know the appropriate response at said moment.

These tenets are held simultaneous and without the woman realizing these impulses to be utterly contradictory. Men have successfully convinced women of our basic stupidity, generally. To see what I mean, read my last essay---the capacity for female forgiveness is predicated on the fact that they view us half a chromosome away from our simian relatives. Opposable thumbs, sadly, can’t help us remember birthdays or what her favorite perfume is. When men do something stupid, or by not doing something, also act equally stupid, generally we get forgiven, generally by the fact that we in our miniscule minds remember a few key things that we associate in some way with ‘Make Girl Happy’. It’s a very ‘Quest for Fire’ or ‘first 20 minutes of ‘2001’ sorta vibe there.

mmmm’.jane sad’.me no like jane sad’oooh, cheeseburger’.wait, make jane happy’uh’.shiny pretty thing’she like pretty’.flower pretty’.get flower’then cheeseburger’

In a pinch (or, more accurately, when we’re in the doghouse), men acquire an amazing ability to do everything and anything you like. Why? Because, believe it or not, while we’re not the superior gender, we’re not the mindless dolts you’ve dubbed us to be. But, since what you assume of us makes us have to work a helluva lot less, we play along, since generally it means that doing the absolve bare minimum of human kindness gets us laid on a semi-regular basis. It’s a beautiful system. We make Mac and Cheese with garlic bread and you treat us like Emeril. And then we get our own BAM later. Women lowering the bar for us not only spared us the chore of doing it ourselves, but allowed men to get away with more crap that we can possibly stand. Believe me, we have meetings, compare notes on how far we go. When do we do it? During your female group trips to the bathroom. Works out wonderfully, in that Adam Smith sort of way. Everyone acting in their own best interest and all. OK, that’s a stretch. Moving on’

So, if we’re so smart, how come we need instruction manuals? Hey, I said we were smarter, not smart. About many things, we are your equal on the intelligence scale. When it comes to the intricacies of understanding the synaptic firings of your brains, however, we’re at an utter loss. Like snowflakes, no two women are alike. What for one woman means ‘I want you to hold me’ for another woman means ‘I’ve got an Uzi and I’m not afraid to use it’. You know that phrase I’m talking about. That ‘So where do you think this relationship is going’ phrase. Potent, that.

Now, the instructional manual is not a ‘Woman to English’ translation book, though come to think of it that’s not a bad idea.

Woman: ‘How are you’’

Definition 1: ‘Who is the sluttish tramp you’re seeing behind my back’

Definition 2: ‘You think I look fat in this, don’t you’’

Definition 3 (rare): ‘How are you’’

No, what I am talking about is unfortunately for women a bit more work. If there’s one thing I have in fact learned over the grand game of my dating life is that no two women are alike. Bringing old habits and expectations from one relationship to the next is a little like watching TV and wondering why Ross and Joey aren’t helping Carter in the ER. Just gotta let it go. It’s not enough to know sensitive subjects for one girl, because one girls ‘dominating father issues’ is another girl’s ‘don’t hold the door open for me you patriarchal bastard’.

Now, why don’t all men have an instruction book? We do. It was handed out in 7th grade sex ed class, if you don’t have it you must have been out sick that day. Luckily, it’s really short so I can type it out here for you free or charge.

Instruction Book for Guys

1) A fed man is happy. You need not cook, take out is acceptable and often preferable.
2) Occasionally show cleavage.
3) Let them hang out with other guys at least once a week or show more cleavage to make the lack of guy time worth his while.
4) Let them enjoy at least one thing you find intolerable to take solace in when ‘Trading Spaces’ simply doesn’t cut it. Poker nights, pro wrestling, watching the Coors Light commercial over and over on TiVo, etc. You can slap them, since the guys will accept it, but let them have this one little thing, is that so frickin’ much to ask’
5) Don’t ever ask about the cleavage fascination, they don’t understand it anymore than you do and will draw their eyes away from your cleavage and/or ESPN while you ask them, causing discomfort.

There, five simple rules. No need to individualize them, they’re basically standard.

Women, however, are not only more intricate but more varied. The difference between guys and girls is as vast as, to borrow a phrase from a comedian, the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. Now, the reason I suggest an instruction manual is that, throughout the past century, men developed the instructional manual to take something that seems at first overwhelming complex and breaking it down into simple steps taken at certain moments. Why, I ask, can a relationship not be like a gas grill’ (OK, that’s rhetorical. No need to comment on that one.)

Guys are pretty good at instruction manual. We lay out all the bits, we feel a surge of self-importance, and start to assemble, bit by bit. By the end, we’ve got something sturdy, functional, most of all correct. And really, it just involved knowing what to stick in what slot.

OK, I’m regretting the metaphor already, but have to soldier on’

Let me give you an example of how this manual could help in the long run. Yes, it will cause women a bit of work, some initial investment, but really, the time you spend on this manual will save you hours, days, perhaps weeks spent down the normal course arguing, fighting, and trying to explain why you’ve got the three inch heel of your shoe pressed against his scrotum. It’s a topic near and dear to my heart, and while it may reveal my own stupidity for the world to see, if it helps even one guy avoid some of the fights I’ve had about this in the past, then by golly, the terrorists did NOT win.

OK, pop quiz, hotshots---you’re a guy, and you’re sitting around, minding your own business, and your girlfriend/wife calls you. She is upset, she’s got a problem. She pours her heart out to you, how upset she is about, well, whatever, let’s say her female friend is talking smack behind her back. What do you do? As a sensitive boyfriend/husband, trying to come to the aid of your girlfriend who you have perceived as having come to you in a time of need, you give her some advice to help her out of her dilemma, right’ WRONG! WRONG WRONG!

Why? It still beats the living hell out of me, to be honest. Like most normal people (ie, men), when I get up the gumption to actually share my problems with someone else, it’s because I either need to verify what I believe to be the solution or can’t see my way our o the problem and need some help. Women, on the other hand, and guys, I can’t stress this enough, and listen up because it will make no frickin’ sense but you have to trust me, they just’.want you to listen. It’s the most illogical thing in the world, no matter how many times it’s been drilled into me. I can’t even begin to tell you how many fights were caused by me stickin’ my nose into Jenny’s business unintentionally by, God forbid, trying to help her when she was down and came to me. Women saying ‘I have a problem’ is NOT an implicit way of saying ‘I want you to provide a solution’. Not once in the first 18 months did either I get this still fairly foreign notion nor did she ever say, ‘Look, when I start talking, I want you to shut up, nod your head, and stroke my hair when I lean into your shoulder.’ On my part, I got mad because I thought she was too stubborn to listen to me; on her end, she was mad because I wasn’t accurately reading what she wanted at that moment. Just bad juju.

Who did I learn from? Well, the first person who taught me was a married man I work with. He clued me into this whole ‘they don’t want solutions, they want someone to listen’. To me, a problem is a bad situation that requires a solution, or at least an attempt at one. Not all problems can and will be solved, especially when it comes to interpersonal, but at least I consistently try or try to know when to give it up. The idea of saying to someone, ‘I’m going to tell you about something that makes me very upset, but don’t say or do anything about it,’ simply seems wrong. But, this is a me thing, and as far as I can tell, a guy thing.

Women, on their part, expect us to be wired the same as them, beneath the layers of ape-man stupidity, and this is as unfair as men’s inability to process the other’s motivations in this case. There has never been one case in the history of Man when the following has occurred:

Jim: Hey.
Ted: Hey, what’s up? Why did you call’
Jim: Well, I, uh’
Ted: Everything OK’
Jim: The thing is, I’*starts to cry*
Ted: Whoa, Jimmy, everything alright over there’
Jim: It’s’…it’s just I don’t know whether to take Dallas or Philadelphia and the points.
Ted: Oh.
Jim: *weeping* Yea.
Ted: Sorry, to hear man. But I’m happy you shared this problem with me.
Jim: Thanks for listening. Bye.

Never happened. Ted would tell him to take the points. Why? Because he figures (and rightly so) that Jim was looking for a solution to his (admittedly large) problem.

Now, does all of this mean that women can’t or won’t take advice? Of course not. Does this mean that any woman at any point can seek advice, seek comfort, or seek both simultaneously? Absolutely! Does this mean that all women are currently crystal clear to men on what they want in these situations? A big bucket of ‘Hells No’. Some way actually have, ‘I want a solution’ implied in any exclamation of discontent, still others outwardly say, ‘Tell me what to do.’ Just as many, however don’t, given the severely unscientific polls I’m been taking. I don’t want to portray my situation as anything but my fault, but if Jenny had ever said, ‘I need you to listen and be supportive right now,’ I’m pretty capable of doing that, just as I’m capable of putting together my home entertainment system. Instructions, step by step. I can do that, and do it pretty well.

Now, Jenny, and I am sure others, think it ludicrous that such a system is even necessary. Shouldn’t we as men be given a little more credit for being responsible for more autonomously reading signals’ Well, yes and no. Men are not sheep, but on the other hand, we’re really good at acting like them. Our last girlfriends may have loved getting phone calls before bed or carnations---you might be an early riser and allergic to carnations. She may have needed 2 hours to blow off steam from a fight, you might take 2 days. We’re generally not acting insensitive on purpose, we just don’t always know what you want. If we ask you if something’s wrong, you give the most often dog-eared page in the ‘Woman to English Dictionary’ as an answer:

Woman: ‘Nothing.’

Definition 1: ‘Just wait until there are no witnesses.’

Definition 2: ‘You don’t realize that your ability to procreate lies, literally, in my hands.’

Definition 3 : ‘I can’t wait to embarrass you at your office party.’

And so forth and so on. If you admit that we men are doofi (the rare plural form of ‘doofus’), then you should also admit that we need a bit of help. And really, in the end, this is all for you. If you lay out what we are supposed to do, and when, and what clues to look for, honestly, this saves you every headache, every sigh, every thought of ‘Dear God, how did Darwin not eliminate him from the gene pool’’ If you want advice, ask for it. If you want us to listen, we’ll do that. If you want roses every anniversary, by golly let us know. If we don’t follow up on this clearly stated preference, then by all means layeth the smack down. There’s not really much hope for us at that point.

So, that’s my humble suggestion. Men have a better sense of what you lovely ladies want, you ladies in turn rue our existence that much less. Peace, love, and harmony. All good things.

Any thoughts, suggestions, improvements, or offers of castration? List them below!