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February 11, 2003
If I Can't ramble, then the terrorists have already won
No more Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, or Dr. Sean from "Survivor" for the time being. Just back to basic observations from yours truly to impart to you, the huddled masses.
Surveying the political and cultural landscape. we find----
1) According to Entertainment Weekly, all Best Actress Nominees at the Oscars will receive "bejeweled bra-and-thong set worth $5,000". That's right, don't be fooled by the rocks that they got---UP THEIR ASS. C'mon, how many purposes is a diamond-encrusted thong simultaneously defeating? I can think of six off the top of my head and it's nearly bedtime for me. This is just silly. I'm waiting personally for the Harry Winston WonderBra to have a breakout year on the red carpet.
2) That annoying guy from the Dell commercials got caught buying pot. And this surprises exactly three people, I'm estimating. Honestly, not one person looked at these commercials and said, "Oh, yea, this guy is completely on control of all his faculties." I can see the witnesses now at the trail: "And he turned to me, and he said 'Dude! You're getting a dime bag!'"
3) In a step towards potential peace, Iraq today apparently has allowed the use of U-2 flights over it's country for surveillance. When asked for comment, Bono said, "Well, OK, we'll fly over, and long as we don't have to play "New Year's Day", I'm really sick of that song."
4) Normally I'd be coming down on Michael Jordan for being serenaded inexplicably by Mariah Carey during the halftime of his last All Star Game, but honestly, I don't think he was minding terribly much.
Too...many....jokes....head...bursting...aaaaaaaiiiiiii.....narrow down...to three....
A) Sources are trying to confirm it was in fact Mariah there, but no one caught a look at her face.
B) Excuse me while I visit NBA.com to see if that outfit comes in Jenny's size.
C) "Psst? Mariah....Four Seasons Hotel...Room 339...under 'Greg Kite'."
Approximately two of you got that last one, one of you may have even found it funny. *shrug*
5) Michael Jackson is piping hot mad over the fact that he has been apparently been manipulated by the media. Firstly, this guy is the least Pavlovian specimen to walk the earth. He's the human equivalent of the mice who always run into the electrified cage. Secondly, the image wizard on Mikey's staff who allowed a BRITISH TABLOID REPORTER 8 months of unfettered access to Michael doing such bizarre things as feed a baby through a veil (who the hell's his kid, Salome?) is simply making too much money. I swear this person must have a side gig working for the company contracted to construct the Big Dig. God forgive the man, clearly he is more screwy than a sorority girls' orange juice. But really, if you're gonna go on TV and blurt out that you love sleeping in the same bed as kids who are not your own, in this day and age, you deserve your next career move to be a starring role with Sarah Kozer in "Wanna Be Tyin' Something" or "Don't Stop Til You've Gagged Me Up". Damn.
Posted by Ryan McGee at February 11, 2003 12:14 AM
Comments
Don't be fooled by the rocks that they got...UP THEIR ASS.
That was gold. Pure gold.
Posted by: Susan at February 11, 2003 12:22 AM
Whenever I think of a diamond-studded thong, I remember Tina Fey's line, "Sorry, Victoria's Secret, but they only way I'm shoving that many diamonds up my ass is if the Nazis are coming."
The dude from the Dell commercials was on the local radio station about a year ago... possibly the most arrogant prick you'll ever hear. 22 or 23 years old, talking about how his career and his fame is no less than what he expected, and how he got the gig through his superior acting skill. Uh huh. Much like Pam Anderson got all of her gigs through her acting skill.
Posted by: Commander Foley at February 11, 2003 10:27 AM
Uh mariah you are being paged ...your pimp Carlos said you have 5 minutes to make it to your corner so you can work it from Don Ameche all the way up to Roy Rogers.
- good thing she wore her tinseltown getup underneath the Fredericks of Hollywood's version of an NBA player. (I could go on but I'll stop here)
Posted by: ann at February 11, 2003 01:24 PM
No no no by all means continue Ann! You are doing better than I ever good.
The diamond thong thing, that's just a joke right?
Posted by: gothicwords at February 15, 2003 01:30 AM