Wading in the Velvet Sea

A scene from the upcoming "Lesbian Monkeys Gone Wild"

Gotta give props to Bitter-Girl for the link on this one. Hoo ah. When the Barenaked Ladies asked, ‘Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?’ maybe THIS is what they meant:

”The promiscuous sex life of lesbian Japanese monkeys is challenging one of the central tenets of Charles Darwin. He argued that females are coy, mate rarely and choose mates to ensure the best genetic inheritance for their offspring, while males are promiscuous and fight among themselves for female partners."

Leave it to the lesbians to mess with Darwin.

The guys I know may be promiscuous, but I’ve never seen us fighting over the same girls (that is, if we’re already friends). The war cry of ‘bros before hos’ was well entrenched in my particular circle of collegiate friends. I did not necessarily subscribe to the language of the edict, but the spirit was something I could identify with. Now, freakers, they have no moral code and as such subscribe to that Adam Smith notion of dating so eloquently described in ‘A Beautiful Mind’. Me, myself, and I, I’ve always subscribed to the deli line theory of pursuit---if I need to take a number and wait in line, I’m really not that interested. Plus, I’ve always found the non-law fat hickory smoked turkey girls to be infinitely more interesting and willing to shag on the first date.

OK, I didn’t type that last sentence, moving along///

Now, do we know these monkeys are lesbians for sure? Maybe they were just really drunk and the lighting was low, but they’d NEVER do it sober. Did the scientists find them up a tree, listening to bootlegs copies of the Indigo Girls’ I can’t imagine that only the lesbians had hairy armpits, so that’s right out.

The article goes on to mention that 300 species of invertebrates have demonstrated homosexual tendencies. Seriously. People do this for a living. You could be at a cocktail party, and ask some guy what he does for a living, and he’ll tell you that he’s documenting jellyfish hanging out in bars in Provincetown. Suddenly I’m a lot sunnier on my job situation.

What other earth-shattering finds have these scientists made’

‘Males are often prompted into sexual intercourse only if they are first mounted by females. Dr Vasey said: "Female-male mounting in Japanese macaques is an adaptation that sexually motivated females employ to prompt sluggish or uninterested males to copulate with them."

Obviously these female apes have never heard of beer, strippers, or porn. Take your man-ape down to ‘Leggy Lemurs’ and he ain’t gonna be so sluggish no more, girlfriend!

They’ve also discovered that, ‘‘bisexuality is common in females and that they often compete with males for sexual partners’’, especially if they’re all in a theatre troupe together, I would imagine. Or on ‘The Real World’.

Honestly, people, Darwin’s got nothing to do with it. You see enough monkeys scratching their butts, sniffing it, and falling off a tree, and suddenly your friend Janice is looking purty fine to your tree-swinging, non-copulating primate booty. Evolution dictates procreation, but desire dictates shagging. The latter does not replace the former, but can certainly supplant it for a period of time. Hey, a lesbian monkey’s gotta do what a lesbian monkey’s gotta do.