« Monkey Business | Main | You Were Expecting Something Else? »
February 24, 2003
Grammys Review
Note: If you're looking for a review of the 2004 Grammys, go here.
OK, it?s 11:30 pm, and I have more hand-written notes that I care to actually count at this point. About 11 of you will remember that back in August, I did a little breakdown of the MTV Video Music Awards (replete with many a typo), and I thought it would be fun to try the same experiment with the Grammys this year. Hopefully inspiration will strike, but if not, there?s always the stash of Sam Adams Winter Brew in the fridge if I?m in a pinch.
Without further ado:
6:55 pm: What a way to catch up with red carpet action---Joan Rivers is standing with Nickelback. This bodes well for the unintentional comedy factor tonight. Joan says, without a pause between the two questions, ‘Who would you like to say something to? Who did you hate in high school?’ This is how/she reminds me/of how badly she sucks.
6:58 pm: Deborah Harry is standing at another locale, fresh from sticking her finger in an electrical socket. She’s apparently going Method for her upcoming role as Cruella DeVille in the Broadway production of ‘101 Dalmations’.
7:02 pm: Switch over to MTV for the start of their red carpet coverage, and everyone favorite future prison bitch John Norris is live with the coverage. He’s with Kelly Rowland, Nelly, and the St. Lunatics. Marking a bold career move, Nelly is sans band aid. Oh lookie, one of the Lunatics borrowed my grandfather’s paisley suit. Nelly promises John that he’ll ‘drop a good one on ya tonight.’ I hope this is where the similarities to my grandfather end.
7:07 pm: Hey look, it’s that VH1 VJ dude, interviewing Sheryl Crow, who clearly hasn’t the foggiest clue who this guy is. I could look up his name, but it is more fun to simply call him ‘Annoying VH! Top Twenty Countdown Guy’.
7:09 pm: Switching back to E!---hey, wait, why is Joan interviewing Paul Schaffer’ I don’t even have a joke here. Just stunning.
7:12 pm: It occurs to me: Joan’s face is pulled so tight, she is currently bulletproof from the neck up. This is a Stan Winston make-up job, to be sure.
7:14 pm: Switching over to TNN, for WWE Sunday Night Heat. The Rock faces Hulk Hogan tonight on Pay-Per-View. Hogan’s sagging man-breasts are the anatomical ying to Joan Rivers’ face’s yang.
7:16 pm: John Norris with TLC. T-Boz went and pulled a ‘Single Black Female’ on Mary J. Blige, right down to the frosted spike hair. Chili, for her part, turned sideways for a second and momentarily disappeared. Pssst, Chili, here’s a Pop Tart, eat it, for the love of all that’s holy.
7:18 pm: The walking unintentional comedy machine Sway is live with N’ Sync. Lance has that ‘I thought I would go into space, instead I’m always gonna be that guy in N’ Sync’ look on. Chris meanwhile looks 47. Good God. Wisely, they don’t let Joey say anything.
7:20 pm: Flip to E! to get more N’ Sync interview action. I now notice that JC is pulling a Vincent Vega hairdo on the public, instantly plummeting the cool rating of ‘Pulp Fiction’ down 8 percent.
7:22 pm: Joan with Queen Latifah. Latifah apparently up and killed the Pink Panther and wore its skin as tonight’s outfit. Latifah is a very tall woman. Her and Rivers together is a little like watching a forced perspective shot from ‘The Lord of the Rings’, only this is real. Fascinating. I wanna see Joan just lose it and insist that Latifah take the Ring of Power. Anyone else? OK, moving on then…
7:25 pm: Joan with Avril and her band. Joan asks Avril if her parents every thought she was crazy for wanting to sing.. Avril looks like she might cry. That’s just sad. Joan’s gone and made things so complicated for our Candian pop princess. ‘Canada?’ asks Joan. ‘Is that some new designer?’
7:28 pm: Flip to MTV, no sign of Gideon Yago. MTV deported him to Iraq, didn’t they’ Silly Gideon. We hardly knew ye.
7:29 pm: Sway’s on the mic, talking about how important freestyling is in the rap community. How your ability to talk on the mic off the cuff is so important. Sadly, he delivers this impassioned speech by tripping over every other word.
7:38 pm: Pink and Missy being interview. Pink has a mohawk thing going on, Missy one upped Latifah by killing the Pink Panther’s girlfriend and wearing her furry flesh as her ensemble.
7:40 pm: My two current viewing options seem to be Joan interviewing Bootsy Collins or crocodiles being birthed on Animal Planet.
7:41 pm: *Cracks open a beer*
7:45 pm: Mmmmm…frothy goodness.
7:49 pm: I heard on the radio today the phrase ‘multiple-Grammy nominated group Tonic’. Checked my watch to make sure it wasn’t still 2001. I could have sworn Tonic was on the road with Fuel for the ‘Hey, Remember Us’’ Tour currently hitting state fairs in the Bible Belt.
7:55 pm: Avril and her sk8ter bois now are with John Norris. She says how much she hates playing ‘Complicated’. That thud you heard was her record company’s collective jaw dropping.
7:58 pm: OK, party foul. Who put Gewn Stefani’s head in a toaster oven and passed it off as a hairdo’ Isn’t this a crime? Can someone check the books on this one? I demand justice!
8:00 pm: Hey, the show’s starting. Look! It’s Eraserhead! Whoops, my bad, it’s Dustin Hoffman.
8:02 pm: Whoa! Simon and Garfunkel!
8:03 pm: Whoa! We now all know why Paul Simon consistently wears a baseball cap with one unfortunate close up of his scalp.
8:06 pm: The Magic Announcers Voice promises us ‘18 performances, spanning all categories’, which means I best see ‘Best Pop Group with Slide Guitar, Vibraphones, and P. Diddy Inventing the Remix’ represented, beeyotch.
8:07 pm: Popping open my second beer. I wonder who won in the ‘Best Rap Duo with a Currently Deceased Rapper’ category.
8:08 pm: Dustin Hoffman just said ‘Welcome!’ five times. I am praying he doesn’t sink into a Kmart monologue anytime soon.
8:09 pm: Holy crap, did he just say ‘Bruce Springstreet????’
8:10 pm: Wow, he’s higher than Rick James in 1978. Someone get him off the stage. Any remaining credibility that ‘Sphere’ and ‘Moonlight Mile’ didn’t kill is quickly being spent now.
8:11 pm: The show ‘Fashion Emergency’ staged an intervention on Gwen’s head, which now sports a different hairdo altogether. You know you’re a true rock star when you have both ‘red carpet hair’ and ‘performance hair’. Gwen is so cool. And by ‘cool’ I mean ‘absolutely hot’.
8:13 pm: Hey look, Cirque de Soleil dropped by to play. The bassist looks terrified.
8:14 pm: Whoa, is she wearing camouflage hotpants? I’m suddenly very patriotic. I am ready to wage war…on that oh so fine lusciousness that is Gwen Stefani.
8:18 pm: One of the nominees for ‘Best Pop Group’ is a group called ‘Bowling for Soup’. Um, who’ Were they formerly ‘Skeet Shooting for Chili?’ ‘Shuffleboarding for Hummus?’
8:19 pm: No Doubt performed, ergo won. Gonna keep a tally on this. One for one.
8:22 pm: Norah Jones is about to perform. I know she’ll perform ‘Don’t Know Why’, but part of me hopes she has a mental breakdown and starts singing ‘Running with the Devil’. Might spice things up.
8:26 pm: Two for two, Norah immediately wins ‘Best Pop Vocal’, which begs the question, Who in the hell is has released a pop non-vocal album? I’m not seeing John Tesh or Jim Brickman burning up the pop charts.
8:30 pm: Hey, check it out, it’s Marc Antony. I heard he’s living in a 2BR walkup with Ricky Martin in Astoria now. Marc’s working nights at Subway, Ricky’s playing Swing in ‘Man of La Mancha’. (OK, fine. YOU tell me where they’ve been for a year. I am personally at a loss.)
8:32 pm: Marc spends 2 minutes talking about Tito Puente and…then introduces a performance by Faith Hill. Huh? If a ninth grader made this kind of segue in a book report, they’d be sent to after-school tutoring.
8:33 pm: Camera pans to Faith, who is doing a great impression of a Marilyn Monroe impersonator down at Flashdancers.
8:35 pm: The number ends with her being consumed by a large ball of flame. OK, that’s just wishful thinking on my part.
8:40 pm: His Royal Velvetness, Paul Schaffer is onscreen and has completely lost control over his right arm. God, he might hurt someone.
8:41 pm: Did he just call Vanessa Carlton ‘funkifily delicious????’ Is that how you spell ‘funkifily’’’’ So many questions!!!! Head’hurting’.
8:42 pm: It’s everyone’s favorite poster child for scoliosis, Vanessa Carlton. She’s apparently part of a singer-songwriter triptych.
8:45 pm: Triptych part two, John Mayer. He has this unmistakable look to the crowd that says, ‘You all want to lick me, don’t you?’
8:46 pm: I have it on good sources that ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ was originally titled ‘Your Body Could Stand to Lose Ten to Fifteen Pounds’ but subsequently changed since it wasn’t playing well to certain demographics.
8:48 pm: Part Three: James Taylor, with Yo Yo Ma. Looks like Dustin’s operating the spot on James Taylor. Pssst…Dustin…move it a bit…stage right…c’mon, you can do it…
8:51 pm: OK, so the evolution of the singer-songwriter, according to the Grammys, reads James Taylor-->John Mayer-->Vannesa Carlton. Huh? Somehow the words ‘extremely incomplete’ spring to mind. Somewhere tonight, Carole King and Carly Simon are pissed off, in jail, or both.
8:52 pm: John Mayer wins, making it 3 for 3 on the Performance Theory. I missed the category since I was gawking at Kim Cantrell’s breasts. Sorry.
8:54 pm: Best Rap Album goes to Eminem. He hadn’t performed yet, so I was half-expecting the award to go to Vanessa Carlton at the rate this show was going.
8:55 pm: We go to commercial. Here’s food for thought. Right now, J Lo perhaps is at the Grammies. Go over to ABC, and Chris Judd is on ‘Help! I’m a Celebrity!’ They’re interviewing him, and he’s saying, ‘Yea, this whole living in the wild is pretty nice, actually. Doesn’t bother me a bit. Jennifer made me sleep in the shoe closet. And that’s when things were good.’
8:58 pm: Queen Pink Panther does the impossible and gets through an entire intro without screwing it up. They should just hand the Oscar to her right now.
9:03 pm: Dixie Chicks. AAAAAAAIIIIIIIII!!! They’re Jesus! They are walking on water! I’m sorry, Lord, about the Chris Judd jokes!
9:04 pm: Oh, apparently that’s a bunch of video monitors beneath them, showing water. That wigged me out. Nevermind. Moving on’
9:06 pm: Four for four, Best Country Album goes to the Dixie Chicks. The WWE is less rigged than this show.
9:07 pm: *Flip channel. MMMMMM, Jennifer Garner on ‘Alias’.*
9:12 pm: Keeping with the ‘OK, this makes no sense but what the hell’ theme of the show, John Leguizamo introduces the New York Philharmonic and Coldplay.
9:14 pm: Before Coldpay takes the stage, a shot of the audience. AAACK! Aretha Franklin! I think she ate N’ Sync. And knitted their carcasses for a scarf. Whoa daddy. Don’t hurt me, Ms. Franklin.
9:18 pm: The lead singer of Coldplay has Paul Schaffer Syndrome, only in his case, all over his body. Poor guy. Piano playing cannot support such spasms.
9:20 pm: I just realized that the background design is simply the Visualizations program that comes with Windows Media Player 7. Savvy product placement, Mr. Gates.
9:21 pm: Watching the lead singer, I can’t help but think that somewhere in the world, Thom Yorke is checking to see if he can sue for copyright infringement on his ‘Twitchy Depressed English Guy’ patent.
9:33 pm: Dude, did Avril just flash the audience? Cos that would be SO EFFIN’ PUNK!
9:35 pm: The Grammies hired 50 kids to stand by the stage and pretend the give a crap about Avril. Just sad.
9:36 pm: Can we feed Avril to Aretha after she’s done singing’
9:37 pm: Between you and me, I bet, like, she’s TOTALLY gone to second base with the guitarist in her band.
9:39 pm: After watching that, I’m not really feeling hella good, so I’m gonna keep on drinkin’.
9:40 pm: Hey lookie, onstage with Nelly is the Phantom of the Ghetto. That’s just…well, it’s something…I’m just not sure what it is. But I’m decently sure I don’t care for it.
9:42 pm: Won ten dollars in my own pool of ‘one of those girls be fallin’ down in those heels’ right before Kelly Rowland emerged from the Mothership on loan from George Clinton.
9:44 pm: You know, I keep trying tog et Jenny to call me ‘boo’, but it ain’t working. Oh well.
9:48 pm: OK kids, no more excuses. If Fred Durst can read, so can you.
9:50 pm: Hope this doesn’t come off as racist, but am I the only one who’s never seen a black dude in Foo Fighters before tonight? I feel really unhip.
10:00 pm: Onstage: BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE.
10:02 pm: I don’t think Little Steven was hugged enough as a kid, because he’s hogging Bruce’s mic, looking for approval. This is like watching a dog return a thrown stick and pant for a treat. Damnit, Bruce, give the man a hug.
10:03 pm: Over in the corner, Clarence wishes for the 4,326th time that Bruce had written a sax part for this song. Next to him is a guitarist who has the look and build of Samwise Gamgee. Aretha’s looking at him and shouting, ‘Get in my bellay!!!!’
10:04 pm: Camera is scanning the crowd during Bruce’s performance, and catches a glimpse of Peter Gabriel, who apparently ages in dog years. Hoo boy, that’s a slap of mortality for ya.
10:06 pm: Whoa, Bruce lost after a great performance to the guy who wrote Norah Jones’ ‘Don’t Know Why’. He looks like Jonathan Franzen’s dorky cousin. Well, he probably hasn’t been laid in years The least society can do is give him a Grammy.
10:08 pm: As we cut to commercial, we seen winners of awards before the TV ceremony, in such categories as:
‘Best Song Written While on Crystal Meth’
‘Best Attempt to Keep Ja Rule Off Yer Damn Record’
‘Best Gospel Tribute To Satan Album’
10:15 pm: According to his Ja-ness, Ashanti’s been inspiring us during this time of terrorism and strife. All she’s currently inspiring me to do is change the channel.
10:17 pm: The imagery of Ashanti ‘inspiring’ that playground into the earth will haunt me forever. Who came up with this’
10:19 pm: What in the…wait wait wait….where did the kids come from? Was Michael Jackson supposed to sing this number originally’ *chugs 16 beers* Easily the worst number of the night. This is a career killer.
10:20 pm: At this point, I’m actually praying for Ja Rule to show up. That’s how bad it is.
10:29 pm: N’ Sync doing the tribute to the Bee Gees. Watching my boy JT, fresh off his ass-grabbing performance with Kylie in London last night, pretend like he still wants to be in the group. It’s a bravura performance.
10:31 pm: Ooooh, he’s so cute when he’s on the beat box. Pardon me while I find a handy noose and/or shotgun.
10:36 pm: Cut to commercial’ ‘And the winner, announced earlier, in the ‘Best Showering of a Girl with a 40 in a Short-Form Video’’.’
10:40 pm: Eminem onstage with The Roots and two backup rappers. I wonder if anyone’s gonna tell the one stage left that his mic isn’t on. Maybe we shouldn’t. He looks so happy.
10:43 pm: Aretha and Bonnie Raitt are presenting. Poor Bonnie can’t get near the mic due the fact that Aretha went and ate The Roots as they tried to leave the stage.
10:45 pm: Norah Jones wins Record of the Year. I’m waiting for Eminem to rush the stage, clock Norah with a steel chair, and align himself with Vince McMahon.
10:56 pm: I’m taking ‘12 days’ in the office pool of when Coors Brewing Company picks up this Sheryl Crow song ‘You’re an Original’ for it’s national marketing campaign.
10:59 pm: You know, I love Norah Jones as much as any musically ignorant Caucasian, but she’s gotta have naked pics of all Grammy voters at the rate she’s winning awards.
11:03 pm: ‘Coming up next---the Grammy for ‘Best Artist Who Isn’t Norah Jones’’.
11:05 pm: *Scans over volume of handwritten notes. Silently weeps.*
11:07 pm: The President of the RIAA, Neil Portnow, speaks about clarion calls and cultural touchstones. If bullshit could be a useable form of energy, this guys’s speech would have solved our nation’s dependency of foreign oil.
11:11 pm: As his first clarion call for using music as a form of healing and understanding, Neil shows everyone who’s kicked the bucket in the last year. God, this is tasteless.
11:14 pm: Aaaah, cool, the Clash tribute. You know, Neil says music is not in trouble, but listening to even a cover version of ‘London Calling’, I’d say it is indeed in trouble, since this was by far the most intelligent, impassioned, and melodic piece of music played all night. Even the performers seem possessed by the piece of music. Truly amazing to behold. And it wasn’t even produced by The Neptunes. Go figure.
11:20 pm: Nearly four and half hours and six pack later, we’re almost done. Up to give away the Grammy for Record of the Year is Elvis Costello, Michelle Branch, and Peter Gabriel’s grandfather. Whoops, it’s actually Peter, my bad.
11:21 pm: Norah to the shock of no one wins. Five for five. We’ll apparently never see the video ‘Academy Voters Gone Wild’ that she has stashed and ready for mass production if she didn’t win.
*******
Thanks for making it through all of this; I hope you enjoy my take on things. I’d love to hear what y’all thought of the Grammys.
Posted by Ryan McGee at February 24, 2003 01:37 AM
Comments
The five nominees for Best Male Rock Vocal Performance:
David Bowie
Elvis Costello
Peter Gabriel
Robert Plant
Bruce Springsteen
This looks like a list from 1979. Bizarre.
Posted by: John at February 24, 2003 02:47 AM
Stay away from Gwen Stefani, McGee! She's mine, dammit, mine!
Posted by: Commander Foley at February 24, 2003 10:28 AM
Superb review, Ryan. Thanks for filling me in on everything after the first hour when I turned it off.
Aretha should have her own zip code. She actually used to be thin and cute a hundred years ago. Honest.
Posted by: Mike at February 24, 2003 10:38 AM
Awesome commentary!
I think the audience was afraid of Robin Williams when he started his comic(?) tirade. I think they were REALLY afraid when he said 'you can actually hear careers slipping away...' and were thinking NOT ME! NOT ME! Not...(Bye Britney...)
Posted by: Tommy at February 24, 2003 11:23 AM
If I swung to the other side Commander I would have to agree with you about Stefani. She looked picturesque last night. But I DON'T so you can have her. I will stick with my undying desire of wanting Matthew McConaughey ( and even though he wasn't nominated for a grammy the man can Sing and play the guitar better than John Mayer.)
Ryan did you get to finish watching Alias at all last night?
Posted by: jada at February 24, 2003 11:35 AM
Nope, caught the spoilers on AICN tho.
Posted by: ryan at February 24, 2003 11:36 AM
I know I am going to get tomatoes or some vegetable thrown at me...but I honestly thought last nights grammys were kinda sucky. there was a couple and I am being generous when I say couple (more like one performance) that were good. I think Eminem's speech was a first, and original sorta. but all in all I got bored and shut if off when Alias came on. But thanks for the confirmation that I didn't miss too much Ryan and what I did miss you satisfied it with the pics and the commentary. :)
Posted by: jada at February 24, 2003 11:45 AM
The pictures on www.boston.com (which are always better than the ones on www.nytimes.com) have oodles of unintentional comedy. The shot where Aretha hands Norah her umpteenth Grammy, it really looks like poor Norah's caught in a gravity well.
I'm not sure if it's helped by how exhausted I am this morning, but there's a small puddle of drool in my office thanks to the Gwen Stefani picture.
The shots of Avril continue to prove that there's a fine line between "punk" and "tool."
Scott and Todd on WPLJ this morning focused most of their post-Grammy attention on Faith Hill's dress, which apparently in some lighting was nigh see-through, and Aretha ("When she goes to McDonald's, the numbers must change.")
Posted by: Commander Foley at February 24, 2003 11:45 AM
Seriously funny!!! I found your site from a link off of the Jan Herman (The Juice) site and I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I didn't watch the Grimmy's (no interest really), but thanks to you I know I was spared a truly dreadful experience. Hey, btw, can anyone tell me what the difference is in Album of the year and Record of the year???
Posted by: Sandi at February 24, 2003 11:51 AM
In the harsh light of day (and sobriety), Aretha looks like Mrs. Stay-Puft Marshmellow man.
Posted by: ryan at February 24, 2003 11:52 AM
I bet if she had worn red, she would have looked just like Cardinal Wolsey.
Posted by: Commander Foley at February 24, 2003 11:59 AM
I've been waiting months for someone to bring up a "Man for All Seasons" reference. Thanks, Foley.
Posted by: ryan at February 24, 2003 12:06 PM
Man, Gwen Stefani would be hot... if she had boobs. How the hell can you fools find a woman with the chest of a 12 year-old boy so attractive???
Posted by: I like big boobs at February 24, 2003 12:13 PM
Not all of us are breast men, my friend. Some of us are pure leg men. Throw in a nigh-flawless face, a set of abs to make Nomar Garciaparra feel inferior, hydrogen-bomb levels of energy and the ability to hold an audience quite literally in the palm of her hand with control not seen since Franz Liszt made his 19th-century Viennese audience riot after playing his "Hungarian Rhapsody" for the first time (seeing her in person is a mind-blowing experience), and you have a winner. She falls into the Buffy-Jennifer Garner camp of "This woman could easily kick my ass about ten times over, and yet doesn't lose her empowered feminimity for a second."
Posted by: Commander Foley at February 24, 2003 12:25 PM
I havent watched the Grammys since I was in college- so its been a long time. I think i might be retirement age before I watch it again. I'm glad someone else agrees that Dusty Hoffman was on something. I cringed for him and all the other unfunny, unhip elderly (read middle aged) white guys who so obviously tried to be cool but just did not get "it", Robin Williams a prime example.( He's been kissing up to Dave and Jay so long, he's forgotten how to entertain a real crowd). What demographic do they think watches the grammys, anyway? Final question- Erika Bhadyu-the hair, the t-shirt, the dyslexia- what was up with her??? Thanks for the forum to express myself!
Posted by: nadinesgirl at February 24, 2003 12:40 PM
Hi Ryan. Loved your take on the grammys, now my nasty remarks.Give Aretha Respect. Goodbye Springsteen. No Doubt, No talent, phoney eye candy.Avril, No Doubt, Coldplay, Norah, come on how many times can you listen to one stupid song.Canada has lots of talent. Grammys over and out. Thank you very, Thank you very much.....
Posted by: candace kane at February 24, 2003 12:45 PM
I'm reminded of the wisdom of General Zod in "Superman II": "Why do you say these things, when you know I will kill you for it?"
Posted by: Commander Foley at February 24, 2003 12:54 PM
I was wondering if someone else was going to pick up on the whole Thom Yorke twitch-fit tribute (?) that Chris Martin displayed during Coldplay's performance. I love both Radiohead and Coldplay, but wow- I want a piano like that.
Posted by: Marie at February 24, 2003 01:00 PM
LOL foley. Got to respect a power depleted villan who tried to be human by becoming a hairstylist and a taxi cab driver.
Posted by: jada at February 24, 2003 01:30 PM
A hairstylist? Huh?
"Yea, I'd like a little off the top, keep the sideburns."
"Is that so? KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!"
Posted by: ryan at February 24, 2003 01:47 PM
I for one am pleased that neither N'Sync or Britney Spears won a damned thing...it's high time that they were pushed off the scene and went back to their hourly wage jobs working the snack bar in the movie theater (or pole dancing in Britney's case hehe)...
Posted by: Ranger at February 24, 2003 01:57 PM
Not to dwell on this subject but could you imagine General Zod as a cab driver? LOL.
Posted by: jada at February 24, 2003 02:31 PM
I loved your critique of the Grammys. I only wish I had self-medicated with a few beers ... hell, more than a few beers. The Coldplay Piano Guy really impressed me with his command of the keyboard. He must have used two or three different chords. Wow. And Robin Williams' painful efforts to be hip - mentioning his "Purim Posse". Oy! TTFN.
Posted by: moruadh at February 24, 2003 02:48 PM
Enjoyed your beer by beer analysis.
Shows like the Grammys are best viewed with chemical alterations.
The Norah Jones thing is viable and lovely. It's always a good thing when simplicity becomes popular. Let's see what she does for an encore...it's the second album that will define her career.
Thanks for the very entertaining synopsis.
Posted by: catherine at February 24, 2003 02:55 PM
Who the hell is Nora Jones? I like the song they play on the radio, but can anyone name or even hum a few bars of any of her other songs?
Posted by: shenry8000 at February 24, 2003 02:55 PM
I would have RATHER seen Britney pole dance than some of those performances. This is the best of the music scene? Should we acknowledge the white elephant in the room? Namely, Grammy nominated performers who can't even sing live?!? Ashanti, Faith Hill, Vanessa Carlton? Please tell me they were a little wacky on the junk before they sang. At least they'd have an excuse. Erykah Badu's afro wig weighs more than she does. And I have it on good authority that it also is a better tele-promp-ter reader. I was embarrassed for Robin Williams. I bet half the audience was saying "Isn't that Mork? What the f**k is his deal?" And for those of you who may have been envying Norah Jones' good fortune, I heard Aretha consumed her and the five grammys as a snack on the way to an after party. All in all, it seemed like Amateur Night at the Apollo hooked up with American Idol, had a baby--and decided to name it Grammy. Better luck next year...
Posted by: Bub at February 24, 2003 02:58 PM
what I wanted to see happen at the grammy's was for Justin Timberlake to have to present a grammy to Brtiney Spears. (though I'm VERY glad she didn't win!!) When he said her name, I got this great mental picture of her going up on stage, him slapping her, then Fred Durst running out and just all hell breaking loose *sigh*
Posted by: rachel at February 24, 2003 02:59 PM
LOL Rachel. I would have enjoyed that immensely. Well, if they're not going to entertain us with actual talent, they might as well entertain us Springer Style. That Justin may be skinny, but he's quick. Fred looks like he's had a few extra doughnuts lately...
Posted by: Bub at February 24, 2003 03:03 PM
Nicely done, Ryan. If only you and "The Sports Guy" could have a ticker of comments running along the bottom during the broadcast...
Posted by: Michael Malcangio at February 24, 2003 03:12 PM
The sound wasn't good at all. Although I agree with most things you said, I still like Norah Jones. Her album is actully really really good. Although, I can see how a lot of people don't like her.
Posted by: Samantha at February 24, 2003 03:54 PM
Hey, I like Norah quite a bit. Just was a bit bored by the repition. Plus, and this is a true, scary fact---the last person t sweep five majors awards? Christopher Cross.
Ouch.
Posted by: ryan at February 24, 2003 03:56 PM
shenry8000, Norah may only get one song on the radio, but she's actually a huge hit commercially. I listened to her CD for a month straight, then bought it for my mom, my girlfriend and every friend who had a birthday and I didn't know what else to get 'em. Her jazzy, slightly Texas influenced, smoky-voiced music isn't going to change the world, but it's just inherrently likable. Apparently she had the #1 selling album in Boston last year (as I heard on the radio while I was up for Christmas), her album has doing great business in all demos before she won the Grammy's -- all around a great freshman effort. Funny quote from her record label attributed her sales success to the fact that she heavily attracts older audiences who aren't savvy enough to download the album for free.
Posted by: Commander Foley at February 24, 2003 04:00 PM
So that's what happened. I turned it off after Simon And Garfunkle. I figured it would be all downhill from there. I guess I was right!
Posted by: Superdan at February 24, 2003 04:03 PM
Christ on a cracker, why do the Grammies always skew hugely conservative and old, old, old? Anybody remember when Steely friggin Dan won album of the year outta nowhere? Without looking it up on the net, can anybody name that album or any song on it? Didn't think so. The whole voting/nominations process needs a swift kick in the ass.
Posted by: analvolcano at February 24, 2003 04:18 PM
aretha looked like she let elton john design her outfit--wonder what joan thought about that one. did anyone else notice that ashanti (or however she spells it) only sang one line during that entire "song"? and im sure norah is quite talented but for a chick that has only has one song she sure took home a lot of awards. one last comment--am i the only one who was mortified by erika bad-reader screwing up the dead guy's tribute???
Posted by: jess at February 24, 2003 04:26 PM
I too found your site from The Juice. It cracked me up.
I look forward to reading more of your observations....
HIT ON ME!
www.BarbraSeville.com
Posted by: Sevillomatic at February 24, 2003 04:45 PM
agreeance? What the hell is agreeance? And did you say you wanted this war to go away, or this AWARD to go away?
Posted by: jay at February 24, 2003 04:55 PM
Ry-guy, Norah Jones did a fine enough job to win Grammys without incriminating photos. It's not her fault that the categories overlap so, where all of the Album of the Year nominees are Pop Vocal performers, rending that category irrelevant. Blame NARAS for not mixing it up more; I think the last instrumental to win Record of the Year was Moon River. BTW, have your readers (yes, I am one at times) ever seen an actual record or record player? Any song that both Durbin and I really like a lot must be pretty good. Thought you'd be more likely to see this posting in your realm than a comment in your inbox. Smell you later.
Posted by: Scotty, your-ex roommate at February 24, 2003 05:08 PM
Sometimes I'm embarrassed to have Avril represent our country. Dah well, she's all we really have lately. In other news, the "Twitchy Depressed English Guy" from Coldplay has a name. Chris Martin, represent! :P He's not usually so spastic.
Posted by: Care at February 24, 2003 05:17 PM
I for one was pleased that most of what we saw was performed by musicians. In recent years there have been too many singers packaged by their labels. And, not that musicians aren't packaged, but they at least have talent which can't be overdubbed or ignored by a dance number. The show featured things that were rather stripped down, but I found that refreshing. A lot of these people probably go their starts in small bars/clubs.
People are getting too used to MTV and other avenues for music.
Posted by: Tom at February 24, 2003 05:46 PM
I just knew there could not be a more worse show than the 2003 addition of the American Music Awards. Can someone tell me if I missed the announcement about a top this contest? I try to be unbias and hopeful about these things. That maybe one day an awards show will just be the bomb! The hosts that are on cue, funny and keep the show going. Singers that sing in key. Political statments that make a statement. Award speeches that are memorable for their content.
Maybe in my unborn child's lifetime... certaninly not in mine.
Posted by: Njema at February 24, 2003 07:01 PM
The awards were slow, orchestrated, and played out. Personally, I would have loved for Raphael Saadiq, (a totally underrated writer/performer) to have an opportunity on the mainstage. (The guy with the Red hat who presented with Herbie Hancock...) He won the grammy for Best R&B Song (Love of My Life (Ode to Hip Hop) along with before the show. He would have been a breath of fresh talent on pitch, key, and beat. (remember Lucy Pearl, Tony, Toni, Tone, etc.)
Why does NARAS always go for the buck?
Speaking of Erykah...Ms. Badu, who usually represents, was a disappointment. I am not sure if she was just overly hyped about being on the mic or what, but it wasn't cute. I expect much better from her. Paraphrasing George Clinton...Think sista... it ain't illegal yet!!
The Ashanti thing... can somebody explain it to me too? Talk about nepotism.... and to have your sister stand right behind you (what a camera shot) and allow her to be heard too?
And she wants to be just like Ashanti. (does that mean we are going to see another sibling in a few years? AGH!!)
And though Nelly took off the bandaid (there is a God after all) what was with that performance? And Kelly Rowland... she unknowingly proved the 2 members that were kicked out of the group were telling the truth...Kelly has NO TALENT !!
I like the Norah Jones song... simple and catchy. The sort of song every "all music and no rap" radio station needs. I have to admit, I hum it hours after hearing it. Has anyone heard the rest of the CD?
I felt that India.Arie deserved to be on the mainstage. I mean after being totally dissed last year, that is the least Grammy could have done (yeah, I know she whined and all, but I would have been pissed too!!)... but then again, we are talking about an organization that allows companies to stuff the ballot boxes to be right aren't we?
I loved the Dixie Chicks too... (who said Black folks don't like country?) I'm just glad someone else can win besides A guy with a cowboy hat.
The Nync performance was too short, too little and too late. The video tribute....huh? I was so busy watching Justin that I didn't realize it was connected... until the camera shot. What a poorly done tribute.
Maybe next year, the awards will be done like a online game. Then again, maybe not. It probably would just crash.
Posted by: Njema at February 24, 2003 07:13 PM
watching that was like a gambling addiction. Just a bit more... something good's gonna happen pretty soon. Then at the end you're choked for wasting your time.
Posted by: mik at February 24, 2003 07:42 PM
I wouldn't be surprised to find Music included in the next where are they now? addition of entertainment tonight.
Music: Missing. Feared dead.
Posted by: Stefan Teutonicus at February 24, 2003 08:34 PM
Speaking of studio produced "musicians". What about all the props trying to hide the fact that Gwen Steffani could not sing her own vocally unchallenging song? Dancers all around her, people hanging from the ceilings. No vocal range. Just the punk ska equivalent of Britney spears minus cleavage!
What is so funny is all the fantasizing here about Gwen is about her looks and not her voice.
Course where does that leave the vocally challenged Pink? Where would these people be without studio overdubs, backup singers juicing them and Babyface/Neptune doing the music?
The RIAA says music sales are down due to piracy, perhaps it is because there is a profound lack of talent getting heavy rotation on the corporate airwaves these days.
Posted by: Muad Dib at February 24, 2003 09:54 PM
I didn't even realize that the Grammys were on. It's nice to hear that someone I actually like (Norah Jones) swept up a lot of the awards. I'm bummed that I missed Simon and Garfunkel. Hell must have frozen over when I wasn't looking.
"Get in my belly!" Oh Aretha...what happened? That photo is scary.
Posted by: Susan at February 24, 2003 10:57 PM
Hilarious commentary!!! I, too, watched the show while at the same time wondering why I was watching. I did, however, switch over and watch Alias during the second hour, so my evening wasn't totally wasted. I have to say, though, that I was pleased to see musicians like Norah Jones and John Mayer actually SING their songs with no bombastic background. It wasn't disappointing to see them win awards.
No disrespect meant to The Boss, but I'm getting really concerned about his vocal cords. If he doesn't start breathing correctly when he sings, one of these days I really think his head will explode.
Oh, and Ryan--I may be wrong about this, but didn't Lauryn Hill win five Grammies in 1999? I think Alicia Keyes tied Hill a couple of years later. So Chris Cross wasn't the last person to win that many. Or did I misunderstand you?
Ta!
Anj
Posted by: Anja at February 24, 2003 11:30 PM
This review has offered the best distraction from my regular zero hours of homework effort. I aspire to write with the same humor you have demonstrated on this Site that from now on will be my Bible. Seriously it's hilarious, I hope you get paid for doing this. Look forward to reading more entries in the future.
Posted by: You Are My Hero at February 24, 2003 11:52 PM
Well, another awards show that shouldn't have been televised has come and gone. If losing Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper was the day the music died, I think last Sunday was the day they held the funeral.
Ashanti sang like she was saving her voice for a paying gig, and I think the Barry Gibb of the BeeGees showed remarkable graciousness when he commented on the N'Sync tribute with a politely ambiguous, "...that was amazing..." Too little, too late, just as an earlier note states. Maybe next time they do a tribute, they could use clips of the actual performer/s singing the songs they made famous? Had to get off my rocking chair and check to see if the cat's tail was under the rockers during that tribute.
Oh well. Next year they can do it all again and make me ever more glad I listen to retro radio.
Posted by: Annette in BC, Canada at February 25, 2003 01:26 AM
Thanks for the review it was greatly more rewarding than the fifteen minutes of the show that I was able to stomach.I wonder if they know how much other talent that there is in Nashville besides the Pixie Chicks!Same ol' awards show just called a different name, it should be a felony from now on to put anymore of these on.
Posted by: Gary at February 25, 2003 03:45 AM
This grammy proves that our music culture is going to shit. We have people like Ashanti(who could not hit a note if she was lip singing) and Ja Rule backing her up, what a joke....It's the fucking cookie monster and miss piggy.....
Posted by: Real at February 25, 2003 03:49 AM
51 comments? That's not a comments section, that's a discussion group. alas i cannot comment as i was stuck in the coatroom during the grammys. so there.
Posted by: reality at February 25, 2003 09:05 AM
Someone should put Aretha on the endangered species list with the rest of the manatees...damn sea cow...and by the way, a blonde weave on top of an outfit that looks like a pile of meringue is NOT, I repeat, NOT a good look for a woman who sings to fund her baby-back habit.
Posted by: Mel at February 25, 2003 09:39 AM
You shoulda put a warning at the beginning, I almost spit coffee all over my screen reading your comments about Deborah Harry. I put the coffee mug down and enjoyed the rest1
Posted by: Janet at February 25, 2003 09:46 AM
This was the worst grammy's ever! Who in the hell votes on these winners. It sucked. How does Nora Jones win best pop album or whatever the hell she won, when her music could put you in a deep coma? It was pathetic. Eminem got robbed too. Horrible.
Posted by: Amy at February 25, 2003 11:45 AM
Muad Dib, I didn't see the show, so I don't know how Gwen's vocal quality was. I'll be the first to admit, having seen the Super Bowl, that it was absolutely AWFUL then, about five notches down in quality from the times I've seen them in concert. Who knows, maybe after touring for a year and a half and getting married in the middle, she's blown out her voice. But it's the attitude more than anything that's so captivating about her (although the looks certainly help and the voice doesn't usually hurt.)
Posted by: Commander Foley at February 25, 2003 01:53 PM
Great job Bill! I mean Ryan. http://msn.espn.go.com/page2/s/simmons/030224.html
Posted by: Play G. Rize at February 25, 2003 02:55 PM
Right, because I went back in time after reading his and posted mine the night before to look like I came up with some similiar outlooks first.
Riiiight.
Posted by: ryan at February 25, 2003 02:57 PM
I think the reason for the off key singing had more to due with the accoustics of the Madison Square Gardens, than the talent. It was a multistage setup, with lots going on, and there seemed to be a lot of crowd noise.
Posted by: MF at February 25, 2003 02:58 PM
Best moment of the night.. Simon and Garfunkel back together again. Went straight down the crapper after that.
Best audience shot... Avril Lavigne, looking like a spokesperson for "Crackwhores anonymous" sitting in the audience, chewing gum like a cow, looking bored to be there. Laughed for a half hour.
Missed a damn good Alias Ryan
Posted by: neglogon at February 25, 2003 02:59 PM
Great review and comments. You're a better music fan than I am. I couldn't take. Let the wife talk me into watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I guess you can tell where my life's going.
Anyhoo, why has no one commented on the horrendous Faith Hill performance. You want to talk about studio produced talent, jeez! I expected someone to come out with an oxygen tank any moment to revive her. AND - so many of these people, presenters, nominees and winners looked . . . PAINED to be there. Major waste of time. And Coldplay - don't get me started. Like your site. Take it easy.
D
Posted by: D. Lewis at February 25, 2003 03:58 PM
Oh! so so funny! Boy! I hope Ms. Franklin dosen't eat you over this.
Posted by: R Taylor at February 25, 2003 05:42 PM
Ugh. How many grammy's did the Clash actually win?
Note - You just knew Sheryl Crow would win something - Santana too. (At least their awards came not on the air). Come too think of it I was surprised Bonnie Raitt didn't win anything for just showing up with Aretha(looking a cartoon Disney Queen who swallowed the beast)
Robin Williams please don't become Bob Hope...........just pitiful.
Great review.
Posted by: Jim at February 26, 2003 04:02 AM
Great commentary... I also found your commentary from Jan Herman's "The Juice"...
A couple of quick thoughts:
*Nelly lost the band-aid after threatened with a lawsuit from former MU basketball player Derrick Chievous...
*At what point would it be easier to just stick a Grammy sticker on EVERY CD that is released in a year?? With as many categories as they have now, wouldn't it just be the same thing??
*Why stick with "Record" and "Album of the Year"? Wouldn't "Single of the Year" better describe "Record of the Year" and be less confusing??
*Did any performer wear the same outfit on stage and in the crowd? I don't think so, but I'm not sure...
*Was Bruce "Springstreet" the artist that ended the perform-then-immediately-win streak? Shocking, especially with the crowd chanting "B-R-U-C-E"...
*Is there any truth to the rumors Metallica is releasing an album to compete with Jethro Tull in next year's heavy metal category??
I'm out...
Kyle
Posted by: Kyle Richardson at February 26, 2003 10:32 AM
Dustin Hoffman and Avril musta been smoken the same S$#@ before the show. They were toasted. I don't think Avril flashed any skin, just some anti something crap from our Canadian pogo crackmama that was printed inside her coat towards the bottom. Thought it nice that the Grammys honored the Clash and Joe AFTER he died. The Grammy's continue to ignore relevant music of the time and heap glory on elevator (nora jones) music and its continued fascination with the thug rap world. And yes I agree Gwen Stefani has the chest of a 12 year old boy. Too bad. I heard next year, Kid Rock will backup Avril's Sk8r bous.
Posted by: TuPakDePaK at February 26, 2003 01:35 PM
Loved your review!...Is it just me or has Bruce Springsteen turned into Bob Dylan???
Posted by: Nique at February 27, 2003 11:32 AM
Great review.......nice to know I wasn't the only one that thought the Grammy's sucked...I kept flipping back thinking it would get better and it didn't.....totally boring..obviously the people that nominated and voted don't really listen to real music....there are so many bands and singers that are never even mentioned. I never even heard of Nora Jones till the Grammy's. I'm like, who is she? Ryan I love your sense of humor...the crack about Aretha Franklin eating NSync and using their carcass to make her scarf did me in, even though she is a classic. I found you surfing...nice change of events. Hey, I grew up with rock and roll and my son listens to Punk it's a shame that some of those groups are not recognized for their talent when it comes to music and lyrics.
Posted by: dazee at February 28, 2003 12:20 AM
Hey, fuck you and everyone else who criticizes great bands like TONIC for making a career out of music and not fading off over the years. At least someone is still making consistant great music and not polluting the airwaves like Avril fucking Lavigne. Obviously the Grammy voters think Tonic is an amazing band. So if it's ok with you, can great bands continue to make records?
Posted by: Todd at March 4, 2003 03:28 PM