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March 06, 2003
"Even More People Out of Harm's Way Weigh IN on Today's Events", says CBS
Responding to the overwhelming apathy regarding their departures from the national stage, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole have signed on for 10 episodes of ‘60 Minutes" to slake the nation's unexistant thirst for their opinions and insights.
In a move that no one asked for, least of all desired, moreover currently care about, Dole and Clinton will engage in a ‘Point-Counterpoint’ style of debate. Viewers can view these two former leaders debate, or like, not.
The ‘Harlem-Viagra Debates’, while not having the weight of the ‘Lincoln-Douglas Debates’, or even the ‘Loder-Pak Post-VMA Awards Breakdowns’, still are expected to boost ratings for the flagship show.
According to the article on Boston.com,
‘Dole, a former Republican Senate majority leader, said he and the former Democratic president would be a good fit for the show.
''We can be firm and provocative without being nasty,'' he said.
CBS officials were quick to step in and confirm that yes, this was still a series of debates that the former Republican Senate leader was talking about. Clinton, excited for a brief moment, fell into a stupor once more.
‘Hillary never lets me get the chance to be provocative or nasty, never mind firm,’ Clinton was heard muttering later on in the evening.
A CNN/AOL/Snickers Poll currently shows not only a general lack of desire to hear more old white men chime in on the future of their well-being, but also expressed general ignorance as to the identities of the former leaders.
‘Clinton? That’s the guy who had the thing with the girl in the blue hat, right’’ said Rob Stanton, a typically befuddled interviewee. ‘And why is he gonna debate against the head of a pineapple company’ Does this mean I have to duct tape my television now’’
When pressed for further comment, Stanton said, ‘Can I go now’’
Experts blame America’s short attention span on a collective psychic blocking of an events post-September 11th, along with an enormously short attention span.
‘The MTV-ization of America is almost complete,’ said Dr. Hannah Jennings from the Harvard Medical School. ‘People can’t be bothered with pres-21st century history anymore. Between the constant calls for war, everyday veiled threats to our safety, and Trischelle’s inability to keep her pants on each week on 'The Real World', no wonder people can’t remember What’s His Face. By the way, can you BELIEVE they showed a threesome on basic cable? That was awesome.’
In what some people who actually care see as related news, the BET Network will be starting its own Point-Counterpoint series, featuring Hammer and Al Sharpton's attempts to accurately and colorfully describe the fatness of each other’s momma over the course of a 10 week period.
Posted by Ryan McGee at March 6, 2003 10:12 AM
Comments
After all of that, all I can say is...
They showed a threesome on basic cable?!?!
How did I miss it?
Posted by: chris at March 6, 2003 01:03 PM
Bob Dole and Clinton??? Isnt this a bit like having a debate between Vince McMan and that Dell Dude? Who the hell cares? I guess I am wondering what it takes to make Clinton go away. Or Dole for that matter.
On a serious note, it is kind of sad the apathy many people feel for politics. We have all been so overloaded by just abject scum in the political arena it seems easier anymore to tune it out. I think Democracy in theory, and sometimes in practice, is one of the most perfect governmental forms. It's just too bad none of the people who actually get elected seem to give a crap about the people they represent.
Posted by: mammadawg at March 6, 2003 01:34 PM
On the plus side, at least we're not in the fictional DC Universe, where Lex Luthor was legitimately elected president in 2000 and General Zod just launched an attack against the United States. It could be worse.
Posted by: Commander Foley at March 6, 2003 01:40 PM
I was wondering if you were on sabbatical Commander!
To quote one of my favorite Monty Python movies "...Worse? HOW can it get any worse?" Really, I am not so sure it is fiction. Isnt this what happened on 9-11? "The facts are real, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent..."
Posted by: mammadawg at March 6, 2003 01:49 PM
Well...
General Zod basically triggered 1/10th of the population to suddenly develop super powers that they were completely incapable of controlling.
Even stretching, I don't think that's the same at all.
As for whether the election of 2000's end result was the same in the fictional and real worlds, that depends on your view of ol' W.
Posted by: Commander Foley at March 6, 2003 02:18 PM
Know he could have helped Superman at tims like that?
Flash Gordon.
I mean, he saved every one of us.
Posted by: ryan at March 6, 2003 03:30 PM
Now THERE is an underrated super hero. Always did like Flash. And if there was ever a cool villan, Ming was definetly it. Just the name "Ming the Merciless" is fantastic. Still Ryan, gotta say Flash is cool, but the Punisher could have kicked his a*s any day. I mean seriously, green tights and a magic ring?Its a little ummm...'fluffy' if you will.
Much more angst involved with the Punisher. More compelling read. Not quite as dark and whiney as Spawn, or as apple pie as the Silver Surfer, just RIIIIIIIIIIGht in the middle. Good counterbalance for S.man's slighly cloying goodness.
Posted by: mammadawg at March 6, 2003 03:46 PM
oh wait, noticed I got my heros goofed. The green lantern had the ring. How embarassing. I bet I get my pass to the Hall of Justice taken away.
Posted by: mammadawg at March 6, 2003 03:48 PM
Yeah, Flash didn't have super powers beyond his super good looks and super stupidity... oh wait, that was just in the movie. "Flash Gordon... Quarterback, New York Jets."
Steven Grant once said the key to writing the Punisher was realizing that he was, at heart, an existentialist. I only bring this up because the Silver Surfer, to me, was always about as interesting and entertaining as reading Kant.
Give me Truth, Justice and the American Way any day (especially since the current art team loves demonstrating that Superman's angry by having his eyes glow red with heat vision. All the silly uses of heat vision are worth it for this visual leitmotif.)
Posted by: Commander Foley at March 6, 2003 03:53 PM
Who is drawing for DC comics now anyway? Not to lead into what has been affectionately called a "geek out thread" :) but I was always very fond of Dark Horse artwork. Too bad most of the storylines sucked. The artwork in all of the old Conan comics was fab as well. Kept all of those puppies.
I gave up on Superman after the whole is he dead or alive? conundrum. Kept one of the sealed issues though, because I am rather mercenary with things like that.
I think the best story line, plus one of the coolest movie remakes so far has been Spiderman, but still waiting with baited breath for Hulk--we need some really cool female heros besides those in X-Men. See? Even the name is sexist!! (grin)
Posted by: mammadawg at March 6, 2003 04:05 PM
Wow, we've gone from Bob Dole to the Punisher. I feel like the Wing Commander in "A New Hope":
"Stay on Target!"
"But I wanna talk about comic books!"
"Stay on Target!"
"But..but...Superman!"
"Stay on Target!"
Posted by: ryan at March 6, 2003 04:56 PM
Dude, you just called it "A New Hope." That's even geekier than calling it "Episode IV."
The movie's name is "Star Wars," people. Just look at the posters.
Posted by: Commander Foley at March 7, 2003 09:33 AM
mammadawg, I think McGee would kill me if I went into a massive Superman exigesis here. But keep in mind the whole "Death of Superman" stunt was 11 years ago. Absolutely no one who worked on that is still on the Superman books.
Posted by: Commander Foley at March 7, 2003 09:35 AM
Re: "A New Hope"---better to be specific within the realm of Lucas' rewriting of his own history than to cause confusion.
Posted by: ryan at March 7, 2003 09:42 AM
Yeah, but I'm a Lucas iconoclast, anyway. He might be able to go back and make Greedo shoot first, but there's nothing he can do to change the fact that Han was the sole shooter from '77 to '97. Same thing with titles.
Posted by: Commander Foley at March 7, 2003 09:44 AM
Man Foley, you really idolize Zod don't you? I recall a detour to general Zod world a couple weeks ago..LOL. Of course I am a bad example. I talk about buffy WAYYY too much.
Posted by: jada at March 12, 2003 10:25 AM