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May 02, 2003
Phone Interview
So I'm sitting at home, watching the Food Network, gathering recipes...you know, my typical Thursday, and the phone rings.
Yello, I say.
Is this Ryan McGee?
The man, the myth, the amoeba, I says. Whaddup.
This is Tracy Bingham.
OK.
HR Director for Ms. Jennifer Garner.
Instantly the penne pasta with alfredo sauce, squid, and lima beans is forgotten. I put on my best phone voice, which sounds like James Earl Jones pre-puberty.
Why, yes, Ms. Bingham, how may I be of assistance?
Well, we’ve just come across your resumé on the Internet and we’d like to talk to you about it.
Oh. That was, like, a joke you know.
Well, this is your lucky day, since Ms. Garner’s trying to screen new guys as we speak.
Can’t she just, um, snap her fingers and get about a dozen guys right there? Doesn’t she have a Jasmine-esque ability to seduce people on the spot?
Jasmine?
Don’t you watch ‘Angel’? Goddess with hypnotic powers? Acts through her teeth?
Are you saying Ms. Garner has big teeth?
Nononono. Not at all. Just…oh nevermind.
Anyways, sir, your unfortunate aside withstanding, you’ve still been selected to be part of the final pool of applicants.
Sweet! Who’s my competition?
Henry Winkler, the two guys who run Jordan’s Furniture, and Joey Lawrence.
I’m not sure I like being lumped into that pool, Ms. Bingham.
Well, the Artist Formerly Known as Mr. Garner didn’t like Jennifer hogging the spotlight, so she figured she needed someone without any sense of ego. Or, in your case, one crushed enough to generally be happy to be within 50 feet of her.
Well, that’s cruel, but fair. Please continue.
First question: Did you really watch ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’
Yes.
Dear God, man, why?
Um, see ‘lack of life’ on the resumé.
Oh, Jennifer wants to know if it’s actually any good, by the way.
Hasn’t she seen it?
Nope.
Ah. Fair AND wise. I knew it.
Second question: who is your favorite Fraggle?
Gotta go with Red. First hardcore lesbian Muppet. Very ahead of its time.
What about Janice from ‘The Muppet Show’?
Ah. Good point. I saw them once at Lilith Fair together. Point to you, Ms. Bingham.
Do you solemnly swear to avoid any and all poles during your time as Mr. Garner?
Um. Do I have to?
Yes.
But I like’
I’m hanging up now.
OK! OK! No poles. Promise.
Last question: Who kicks more ass, Sydney Bristow or Buffy Summers?
Damn.
Take your time.
I know, I know. Buffy gets to stake people, but lacks Sydney’s most excellent techno scoring. Both have problems with male authority, which I’m down with, yet both go googly-eyed for co-partners in the fight for good. Buffy has the Scooby Gang, Sydney has a best friend who’s actually dead. These days, not much difference there either. Hrm’
Mr. McGee, Joey Lawrence is on hold, if you don’t mind’
However, Buffy’s not only depressing as hell these days, but is in dire need of a sandwich. Skin and bones, that girl. Going with Sydney. And the fact that you work for Ms. Garner has absolutely nothing to do with my decision-making process whatsoever.
Excellent. Well, I’ll bring these answers to the Committee and have an answer for you by next week.
Even if I don’t win, can I at least get an autographed picture of her bicep?
I’m going to pretend that last statement never happened, Mr. McGee.
Fair enough.
click
Posted by Ryan McGee at May 2, 2003 09:06 AM
Comments
Dig the fantasy, I have one of my own involving Antonio Banderas and a 900 number...
Posted by: Heather at May 2, 2003 09:38 AM
We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how 'bout you? Ummmmm okay. bad choice of cheer. But hey Xmen Has Arrived.
Posted by: jada at May 2, 2003 09:46 AM
::Khris Gives Ryan a hug, cause it's obvious he needs one.::
Posted by: Khristina at May 2, 2003 10:09 AM
Wow. This is a cheery piece I thought.
And the suicide watch is still on?
Huh.
Posted by: ryan at May 2, 2003 10:12 AM
Why the heck is the name Tracy Bingham so familiar? Did you make this name up or is she actually someone?
Posted by: Commander Foley at May 2, 2003 11:17 AM
I completely made it up. Just through two words together.
And then I did a Google search on it.
Whoops.
Heh.
Posted by: ryan at May 2, 2003 11:19 AM
Wow. We're both so totally busted right now. I never even watched a full episode of "Baywatch" and I'm still busted.
Posted by: Commander Foley at May 2, 2003 11:26 AM
"We"? What's this "we", white man? You're the one who recognized the name. I'm innocent. For once.
Posted by: ryan at May 2, 2003 11:29 AM
Don't worry Commander, I recognized the name too. For reasons unknown to me, as I have never watched an episode of baywatch. But I did look at a Maxim once. Maybe that's it.
Posted by: Lori at May 2, 2003 11:31 AM
McGee, your Maxim subscription is totally to blame. Just admit it, man. Well I remember the day when I put my foot down and said, "OK, can we *not* have Tara Reid sitting on top of the coffee table, please?"
Posted by: Commander Foley at May 2, 2003 11:49 AM
Can we just have Tara Reid purged from all existence? Someone send her back to the trailer park from whence she came. With her black eyeliner.
Posted by: Lori at May 2, 2003 11:52 AM
I still maintain that Maxim is a great publication, its unfortunate Tara Reid covers aside.
Posted by: ryan at May 2, 2003 11:58 AM
Maxim is a good mag- insight into the complex workings of the male mind, and excellent humor. Some women may see it on the fringe of playboy-esqe barbarianism (is that a word?), but I believe mags like this plus the rantings of eminem, stern, and limbaugh provide interesting windows into the minds of the frustrated (in oh so many ways) male population.
Posted by: Heather at May 2, 2003 01:22 PM
I liken Maxim to "Charlie's Angels"---it looks like soft porn but the joke's on the guys. Mostly a "all it takes is a girl in a bikini lit well and you bought this magazine and now we have your cash and inside the magazine we'll pretend to talk about guy things but really we're just pointing out how dumb you are".
Brilliant.
Posted by: ryan at May 2, 2003 01:36 PM
Hi Ryan,
I’ve been reading your blog for a few months (since it was linked to the juice). I’m a Ghetto dweller from Detroit (that’s Detroit proper not suburb) and I found your forays into hip hop culture amusing and intriguing. I never commented before because your readership seems like an intimate crew. However, I do hope you get your swing back (in the relationship department) I look forward to your take on Buffy and I was slightly disappointed this week.
Posted by: Lee at May 2, 2003 02:28 PM
Hey Lee,
The more the merrier. It's only inclusive in that only certain people comment. Your true-life "8 Mile" perspective is always welcome. :)
And I posted my Buffy Episode 7.19 Review on Wednesday, so read away.
Posted by: ryan at May 2, 2003 02:40 PM
don't be afraid to chime in Lee. I also discovered Ryan via the juice, way back in September, when Ryan's star was just bursting onto the scene. You'll soon discover that all comments are appreciated. Ryan likes for the comment counter to blow up.
Posted by: Lori at May 2, 2003 04:00 PM
I didn't know I had a star. At best I have a traffic light.
Posted by: ryan at May 2, 2003 04:06 PM
sarcasm doesn't translate well over this medium does it? Ok, how about a 60 watt bulb?
Posted by: Lori at May 2, 2003 04:39 PM
Apparently my sarcasm travels poorly as well!
Posted by: ryan at May 2, 2003 04:41 PM
is you traffic light on red, green or yellow, and what exactly would each of those indicate? red: stop pole dancing!
Posted by: Lori at May 2, 2003 04:50 PM
No no - keep the pole dancing . . . and whatever happened to the milk and cookie breaks?
Oh - was that even one of Ryan's offerings, or have I been reading too many blogs lately?
Wonder if Vin Diesel is accepting resumes? I sure wouldn't mind hearing from HIS HR rep . . . *mmmmmmmmmmm* *drooling again*
Damn, I gotta stop doing that before I sign out. :)
Posted by: ang at May 2, 2003 05:59 PM
I really enjoy your site/blogs. That's to Ryan and all the "crew." I found your site when you posted the "support the Troops" blog, and I have enjoyed ya'll's wit ever since. Keep it up, cause the Army appreciates it. Ranger's Lead the Way
PS. If you get Jen's number, could you ask her to call Brittney for me. I love pretty, spolied, rich overbearing chicks. AAAAAHGHHHHH!
Posted by: SFC Ranger at May 2, 2003 06:16 PM