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June 11, 2003

Take Me Out to the Paaaahhhk

Quick thoughts based on my trip to Fenway Park last night:

  • People who say we should keep the park as is are either under 5?4?? or have simply never been. You know, I?ve seen miniature cars that are aesthetically pleasing?doesn?t mean I wanna sit in them for 3 hours. Ouch. My knees and the seat in front of me were waged in a war unseen since the climatic scene in the epic arm-wrestling movie ?Over the Top?. Around inning 6, the seat in front of me pulled that bizarre grip-switch move which instantly rendered Sly Stallone invulnerable, and?oh, like none of you know what I?m talking about. Stop looking at me that way. Sufficed to say, I was quite pleased when three people in my row left, meaning my friend and I could have a seat between us and bend knees inward. I felt like Torgo by this point. (That was for you, Foley.)

  • I filled out my first All-Star Ballot last night. Ever. My friend and I took great pleasure in talking about ?dimpled chads? as we voted. Course, as we walked in, she was talking about the anthropology of sport and how it?s basically an elaborate series of rituals to allow men to touch in each in ways they normally don?t. Just to give you an idea of who I went with.

  • T Pass used to get to the game...$35. A steak-tip sandwich and 20 ounce Diet Coke outside Fenway Park...$12. Seeing girls in belly shirts and baseball caps every three feet...priceless.

  • I got these tickets through my office. Sat down right after someone butchered the National Anthem. Sounded like a really bad ?American Idol? audition. Ouch. Anyways, the Cardinals get up first, and the leadoff man gets a hit. And the section around us ERUPTS in applause. I couldn?t figure it out. At first I thought, ?Oh, Boston fans are appreciative of the first Sox-Cardinals game since the ?67 Series.? But the chorus of distant boos that soon followed countered my initial theory. Nope, I was sitting smack dab in Cardinal Country. In Fenway Freakin? Park. I felt a hate crime coming on.

  • Ever seen that Mastercard commercial where the two guys are going to every Major League park, because they are trust-fund freaks who don?t need a job and someone should take them out into every parking lot and smash them with all of Sosa?s corked bats? Know that one? We had the real-life version last night sit in front of us in the 6th inning. Extremely awful times. Keeping with the ?American Idol? theme, one of them looked like Reuben. Keeping with the ?hate crime? theme, I wanted to kill him in about 4 seconds. The SOB shouted, ?Fat Albert MVP? every 1.8 seconds. His buddy managed to elicit whistles that both pierced the eardrums and told every dog in an 8-mile radius that, ?The time is neigh. Rise up against your oppressors and FIGHT!? Luckily the lasted only an inning?clearly they had gotten standing room tickets and were just roaming through the park. As the Sox made their comeback in the 8th, I heard at least half a dozen people cry out, ?Hey, get that fat f$ck back here, let?s hear him cheer now!? Boston: Bring the Kids!

  • Quote of the Night: 7th Inning. 25 year old Caucasian male. ?NOMAH! You?re the reason I live! Hit it outta the paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahk!? If my tickets weren?t free, this alone would have been worth the price of admission. 2nd best quote of the year, right behind ?Es-CAH-pay!? from ?Finding Nemo?.

  • Even though the Sox lost, the energy during the 7th and 8th innings was just unbelievable. I forgot all about my bloody patellas and really got into it. I hadn?t seen a sports crowd this excited since I watched Ray Borque win his first Stanley Cup?inside a strip club. Never in my life will I see what I saw that night. 200+ guys simply walked away from naked women to huddle around the few TVs at the bar. The women kept dancing for a bit, then sorta stood still, shrugged, and waited for the game to be over. One of them sat spread-eagle at the base of a pole. Not one guy cared. 30 seconds after the game ended, they picked right up where they left off as the guys stopped hugging each other, realized they were in a strip club, and proceeded to avoid eye contact with anything else bearing a penis for the rest of the night. My life, ladies and gentlemen.

    • Posted by Ryan McGee at June 11, 2003 09:39 AM

    Comments

    With as many rallies as the Sox have staged in the late innings (thank you, swiss cheese bullpen), I can't even imagine how awesome it must be to be in Fenway any give night. I gotta swing by on my next trip to Boston. My favorites are the guys and gals with uber-bronze tans who look like they just came from a casting call for "American Gladiators," and who are now watching a 3 hour baseball game. Where does one get free time to accomplish all of that?

    Posted by: Commander Foley at June 11, 2003 10:31 AM

    Mental note: less baseball...more Zod...less Fenway Park...more 80's quotes....

    Posted by: ryan at June 11, 2003 11:47 AM

    Beats me, man. I thought the Ray Borque Strip Club story was hysterical.

    Posted by: Commander Foley at June 11, 2003 12:17 PM

    The whistling freak and the rheuben look alike was well worth the read. Still laughing at the dog thing. Like 101 dalmations a bark heard around the world.

    Posted by: jada at June 11, 2003 12:20 PM

    RE: Ray Borque winning the Stanley Cup story. You know, the men's behaviour there is justifiable. You can pay to see naked women anyday. Ray Borque winning the Stanley Cup is quite another thing.

    Posted by: Lori at June 11, 2003 02:52 PM

    Playoff game for the Red Sox or strippers? Red Sox. Not even a question. Would watch every pitch, every at bat.

    Playoff game for the Celtics or strippers? Mmmm... Celtics, I guess. This is a middle ground, because the Celtics will be so patently bad for some stretch of the game that I'd only need to be riveted for maybe 28 of 48 minutes, which translates to an hour and a half, with an hour for strippers, I guess.

    NFL playoff game or strippers? If it's an entertaining team, like the Rams or the Eagles or, it has one of those guys I love to watch like Warren Sapp or Daunte Culpepper or Drew Bledsoe... yeah, probably the NFL. If it's teams that bore me, like the Jets vs. the Raiders or something, I might catch a quarter.

    Hockey playoff game or strippers? I'd watch paint dry before I'd watch hockey. No brainer (probably literally).

    Of course, you're talking to a guy whose last strip club experience was two years ago while still living with McGee, so your mileage may vary.

    Posted by: Commander Foley at June 11, 2003 03:03 PM

    You know, I can understand a man going to a prostitute, because you're paying for something that you can touch, have fun with. But to give countless dollars to strippers (not saying that Ryan tips the girls), who are going to do nothing but tease you seems a waste to me.

    Posted by: Lori at June 11, 2003 03:07 PM

    Well, me too, obviously. Unless they're some huge dance number involved or something, maybe. That might be kind of cool.

    Posted by: Commander Foley at June 11, 2003 03:11 PM

    I think you're on to something. How about having strippers dance to Broadway showtunes as choreographed for Braodway? Essentially have a Broadway show, only with naked girls. That would be cool.

    Posted by: Lori at June 11, 2003 03:17 PM

    Ok, you lost me the minute you mentioned Broadway.

    I just thought the whole point of a strip tease was the slow, tantalizing removal of clothing, with some artistry, some skill and, sure, some pole-dancing, if it worked in the context of the song. Next to none of that was in evidence at Club Fantasies, where the dancers walked onstage and almost immediately removed 95% of their clothing. OK, the girl who climbed up a pole and swung down it was pretty cool, but overall, minimal entertainment value. Presumably not every club is like that, tho'.

    Posted by: Commander Foley at June 11, 2003 03:47 PM

    I stand by the naked broadway idea. It could work.
    I think your description of a strip tease is what most would expect. Without the "tease" it's just some girl taking her clothes off, and where's the fun in that?

    Posted by: Lori at June 11, 2003 03:53 PM

    They already have done naked broadway...take Full Monty and that show Kathleen turner was in...stripped to nothing. (Not really a strip tease but hey its their birthday suit )

    Posted by: jada at June 11, 2003 04:23 PM

    Sigh. Every night I go to bed wondering what happened to David Mendenhall... his performance in "Over the Top" as Sly's son was, well, shall I say, over the top. Even better than his portrayal of Mike Webber on General Hospital!

    Posted by: CrabbyJerkface at June 11, 2003 08:20 PM

    Ahhh...Fenway. I hope a hearty "Yankees Suck" cheer slurred its way out of the bleachers.

    If it ever appears that the Red Sox will win the World Series, I will fly from wherever I am to be there. The city will just implode.

    Is this The Year?

    Posted by: Megan at June 12, 2003 10:34 AM

    Sports Guy's Dad (and the team ERA) suggest no. But it's a long season... and this is easily the best-hitting Red Sox team since '95 or so.

    Posted by: Commander Foley at June 12, 2003 10:52 AM