Wading in the Velvet Sea

OK, so yesterday we established our Three PSIs, which I entirely made up, in case you forgot, and yes, it’s frickin’ OK to be cute! Stop emailing me! We’ve got ‘Cute’, ‘Attractive’, and ‘Sexy’. These of course being the Yin to the Yang of ‘Ick’, ‘Not Enough Booze in the World’, and ‘Fell Off the Ugly Tree and Hit Every Branch on the Way Down’. If the guy has any interest in you, he’ll lump you, unconsciously, into one of these categories. ‘Attractive’ is something that is assigned almost instantly, unless you have a bad hair day or you just got bitten by something before initial encounter. You can then take a mulligan and try again next time. ‘Cute’ can be an initial estimate, or one engendered by repeated contact. ‘Sexy’ is almost always assigned over many encounters, or, if you’re lucky, you just knock his socks off on the first date. Know that Coors Light commercial where the female bartender uncaps the beer with her belt buckle? OK, she went into ‘Sexy’ Land in like, half a second there. Sexy is about attitude, whereas the inferior ‘sexual’ is about cleavage and how much thong you show when you bend over. It’s not evil; it’s just not nearly as fun or important in the long run as ‘sexy’. In the end, ‘sexual’=‘exterior’, ‘sexy’=‘interior’. We cool? Moving on’

But, you say, need these categories be always separate? Shall the twain ever meet? Ah, young grasshopper, thank you for asking. They can indeed. The merging can be fleeting, it can be for only a night, it can be permanent; but it’s always possible. Sometimes they mix like oil and water, each maintaining their separate qualities simultaneously. Other times they mix like Phil Collins and Philip Bailey. On their own? Pretty good. Together? ‘Easy Lover’. Need I say more?

OK, so let’s look at these combinations, both how they arise and the affect therein.

‘Cute’ and ‘Attractive’

The Cause:

A few ways this can happen. One scenario has it where the girl is considered cute, but really isn’t doing it for the guy on anything more than a ‘Well, she’s not ugly’ scale. The guy likes her, because, and this is true, damnit, people only hang out with people they find attractive. Doesn’t mean you wanna hook up with them, doesn’t even have to be a physical thing per say, but ‘cute’ can extend into the realm of the psychology as well. This type of ‘cute’ is when you constantly hear guys say to you, ‘Man, I can’t believe no one wants to date you’ and don’t realize that they themselves are saying they don’t wanna date you, and then the guy can’t figure out why you’re upset. (This happens both ways. Jesum, does it ever.)

OK, so guy thinks girl is cute, and then, she pulls the Great Transformation that you see in every teen movie, where the quote-unquote ugly-ducking gets a brand new look, and boom, the guy goes all starry-eyed. Well, in most worlds, the guy doesn’t go starry-eyed; but he does realize you probably are naked under that outfit for the first time ever. Sorry, just shootin’ straight here. This isn’t a Lifetime movie. If it were, the guy would like you, but then beat you, steal your money, kill your mother, and then start a successful business via insider trader off the money he stole from you. But I digress.

The other way this could work is that the guy gets to know the girl he finds attractive and actually digs her personality. Sex still hasn’t really entered the mindset yet (well, as much as it can’t for guys), but there’s now substance behind the looks a far as the guy is considered. This is getting into the area my friend calls ‘soft’…you want to be near them, touch them, but not in an overtly sexual way. Snuggles, maybe. Stupid afterschool-movie montage stuff. Think the date in ‘The Karate Kid’. She plays video games. That’s kinda hot. If she’s cute and attractive, then she’s parent-presentable. Your mom will think she’s nice, and your dad will be impressed.

The Effect:

Well, this is how most relationships that ‘work’ go. You are attracted to both looks and mind. Sounds pretty good, right?

What’s missing, usually, is a spark. Something electric. She’s perfectly great to bring out with friends, but she’s not generally blowing people away with wit or humor. No one can say anything bad about her, but few are wishing they had Jessie’s Girl, if you know what I mean.

There’s a physical aspect to the relationship, I imagine, but it’s a relationship based on respect and compatibility that’s separate from a more primal connection. It feels good, not just AMAZING. It’s comfortable.

(Again. My opinion. Don’t kill me. For many people, this is not only a good scenario, it’s the best. To each his own. You are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can’t bring you down. No.)

‘Attractive’ and ‘Sexy’

The Cause:

OK, this can happen in a million ways. Can’t help but use a little life experience mixed with some things I’ve heard plus some things I’ve seen on late-night cable.

Good looking girl who decides to debate the relative merits of ‘Achtung Baby’ versus ‘The Joshua Tree’…good-looking girl who has no idea she’s actually good-looking (ie, doesn’t flaunt it, or feel the need to)’a girl who isn’t afraid of her body but doesn’t flaunt it…a pretty girl who knows how to flirt…someone who doesn’t pick a fight but knows better than to agree with every stupid ass thing you say…a girl who can make jokes during sex without actually making you the butt of the joke’

OK, the list goes on and on. Had to pat myself down there, a little sweat coming off the brow there. Point of the matter is thus: it’s a marriage of the aesthetic and the physical. The former category is more of a marriage between the aesthetic and the mental. In this case, you have definite desire; in the former, you had mere interest. Serious interest, but again, it’s almost in a lot of ways pre-physical. And yes, I just made that phrase up. Sorry.

Now, what’s sexy to me is obviously unsexy to others, and vice versa. Some like girls who wear baseball caps. Yea, it might fit into the ‘Attractive’ category, but if the guy’s wires are a certain way, he’ll also find it ‘Sexy’ because she’s at a sports bar and drinking from a pitcher. To others, the girl in the black dress sipping a martini in a dimly lit room is the pinnacle of sexy. Point is, whichever girl you are, make sure it’s your real self. If you’re trying to nab a guy who wants to date the Cap Girl, you best actually like being at a bar near a Keno machine drinking $9 Bud Light pitchers. Conversely, if you want Mr. I-Banker, you best be comfy in heels. What is decidedly unsexy is a girl uncomfortable with herself. Know how you girls can tell when we really don’t like something? Like, when you take us to the ballet, or your mother’s house? Yea, we can read that on you too. Sorry. Hate to break it to you.

The Effect:

Mama Mia. (And not in an ABBA way.) Pretty much always a homerun. If you want to be crude (yes, let’s be crude), the guy can’t believe he’s hooking up with a hot babe. You're the Paulina Porizkova to his Ric Ocasek. Pretty clear and simple. He thinks you’re gorgeous, which consequently will make you feel gorgeous, and something about you turns him on to the point where he’s pretty much putty in your hands. And remember, that’s what this is all about: you women reclaiming your God-given position as Ruler of All Things. At moments like this, men generally will happily cede their facetious position as ‘Those in Control’ and yield the floor to you.

‘Cute’ and ‘Sexy’

The Cause:

OK, Britney Spears. The ‘(Baby) One More Time’ video. Need I explain more?

This category gets a lot of men in trouble. A LOT. This is as close as most men get to feeling like Superman around Kryptonite. And yes, I said this entry is mostly about me, but take a straw pole around the office. See how many DON’T like the pigtails and plaid skirt look. Even your gay friends will go, ‘Hmmm…give me a second.’ I can’t explain it. It’s hard-wired into our DNA. 15th chromosome. I looked it up.

There’s a simple word for the marriage of ‘cute’ and ‘sexy’: ‘naughty’.

Now, ‘naughty’ in certain doses is desirable. Can even be employed with the ‘Attractive+Sexy’ combo above on occasion to create the Voltron of Secondary PSIs. ‘Naughty’ is also one of the most powerful forces in the universe. It’s up there with gravity. Why? Because men are lust-ridden sheep, that’s why.

‘Cute’ and ‘sexy’=‘naughty’. (C+S=N. Let’s all start singing ‘Suite: Judy Blue Eyes’ now. OK, no one got that joke. Moving on’) That’s today’s math. There’s a dirty transgression going on here. In fact, one might say it’s getting hot in herre. And God knows you’re thinking about taking off all her clothes.

We know we shouldn’t touch (‘cute’) but we really wanna (‘sexy’). The dichotomy causes conflict, and conflict begets desire, and we want that desire slaked, and thus we’re in a vicious cycle. Remember, desire is defined by what we can’t have, and as such, this combo is ever-present reminder of what it is what cannot have. Ergo, we want it awfully bad. While respecting them as powerful women. Sort of.

Now, one need not be jail-bait to be naughty. Both ‘Charlie’s Angels’ movies are based on this ‘naughty’ premise. They’re all cute as a button, but in a second can make you realize that, in bed, they just might kill you. These movies are case studies in how a few simple gestures can reduce men to rubble. Again, like Buffy Season Seven: ‘It’s about power’. Women who use their sexuality to gain empowerment are often looked down upon. Well, yea, if my coworker used cleavage to get a promotion over me, I might be pissed. But we’re talking about using men’s own stupidity against them, and really, the sooner you ladies start doing it, the faster our troops come home from Iraq. We’re at DefCon 3, people. Don’t let JOSHUA lead us into Global Thermonuclear War just cuz you’re too shy to let your inner wildcat out.

Other examples of ‘naughty’, in case you’re playing the home game, include the secretary fetish, girls who dance together at clubs for the sole purpose of showing the boys what they can’t get, and that stripper in Providence who looked eerily like Michelle Branch. Whew. It's a combination of sexual naivete that belies an innate understanding of it underneath the surface that will give you a run for your money the moment she gets you behind closed doors. OK, gonna take a cold shower right now. Be right back...

Ironically, ‘naughty’ almost always exists pre-contact. There’s often a slippery slope into ‘dirty’ if the façade holds up post-initial groping. ‘Naughty’ is about the idea of sex, not the sex itself. Important distinction. But once you’ve got the guy playing tongue hockey, you don’t have to worry anymore, do you?

The Effect:

‘Naughty’ is all about an attitude, and when employed, is very hard for a guy to resist. Just make sure, and I cannot stress this enough for the three of you taking this remotely seriously: this is a game, but the most dangerous one of all. Play it with the wrong guy and it’s bad freakin’ juju. Play it with a guy you trust, or with an existing boyfriend, and you’ve got him so whipped you can call him Devo in front of his guy friends and he won’t even care. He’ll just giggle and say, ‘Aww, you so crazy.’

Whew. Hope this inspires some discussion. God knows it’s inspired some RSI over here, if nothing else…