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June 19, 2003
The Trifecta in the Haystack
Well, many of you might be tuning in to see if I go for the trifecta and talk about the combination of all three PSIs: ?cute?, ?attractive?, and ?sexy?. Then again, many of you came here looking for ?Heidi Tom bikini? according to my stats reports over the past few weeks.
Well, hate to disappoint both parties. Not going for the threesome (wow, there?s a first), not showing any bikini pictures. AJ seems to have that covered nicely as per usual.
What?s been sort of frustrating in writing this, and I bet frustrating in reading all of this, has been the simultaneous pull between two equal and opposite forces: we all seem to agree that simple categorizations such as what I?ve done this week are inadequate and must be moved past, but yet we have very little way to talk about these issues without in fact reducing them to some catch phrases or buzzwords. Even more complicated, ?cute? to me is one thing, ?cute? to you is another. One man?s cute is another man?s statutory rape, as my grandmother used to say. OK, she didn?t say that, it was more along the lines of, ?I need a refill on the White Zinf, sweetie.?
Ladies: you can read all the Cosmos you want. You can get tons of nominally good advice from your female friends. You can be everything everyone tells you to be and then some.
Men: you can be the sensitive poet who rides a Harley. You can give both great backrubs and yo? momma a call every Sunday like clockwork. You can give off the impression of a brute and a cute all at once.
Problem is, of course, that in both cases, if what you?re being is in fact not you, it just doesn?t matter in the long run. If you wanna do some real-life Method acting, sure, put out a Personality Outfit. Be Mr. Suave Yet Sensitive. Be Ms. Pouty Lips and Pretty Eyes. Be what either people tell you to be or what you think you should be in order to successfully not go home without a partner or at least a phone number. Like that singing candle said, be our guest.
In the long run, the last two days have been nothing but fun conjecture, which has a bit of truth in that many men (and women) feel and act this way. If people didn?t actually think/act this way on occasion, people would have celebrated the last few thousand words of this blog as splendid fiction and awarded me large amounts of cash. But no, I touched a nerve, because it?s both an unfair and all too common occurrence. So people have either bemoaned my analysis, decried their own victimization on occasion to it, or?started talking like Nell. I don?t confess to understand the latter development, but hey, this is a relative democracy around here, so the peeps shall be heard, o yea, verily.
So the trick, which really isn?t a trick at all, is to be yourself. Pretty simple in theory. So is communism, though, and look how well THAT turned out.
The only way to really achieve the above-mentioned trifecta, really, is to find someone who, in their truest form, fits so perfectly with yours that you can?t help but find them appealing in every conceivable way possible. They?re cute when they try to wake up after hitting the snooze alarm six times, they?re attractive when she puts on an extra nice outfit for an anniversary dinner, she?s sexy when she does that thing with her tongue and?oh, nevermind. You get the point. You ladies in love I?m sure can think of many a thing from your guy that fits into each of these categories.
Above all, these qualities are attractive for two reasons. They come from an honest place, and this honesty is very selective. If the whole world knew about the thing with the tongue, well, that?s not sexy. That?s pornography. It?s the selective expression of such things that makes a couple, well, intimate. Maybe that?s why we have such a problem with celebrity couples. The perceived lack of intimacy in their relationships where you can know their every itinerary and where they eat nightly, leads to a situation where we often feel as if they lead no life off camera. (And for the record, since it?s been a while: Jennifer Garner. Sweetums. You know I?m here for you, baby. Much love. As always.)
Point is, intimacy implies honesty. Unless you?re insane, of course, in which case you?ve moved your toothbrush into their place after the 2nd date. Yikes. Such bad juju. Honesty is constantly tested early on in a relationship, if it?s worth anything to either party. (Again, if not, go back to the Emotional Costume Party mentioned above.) Intimacy can beget honesty, but usually it?s the other way around. And of course I don?t mean physical intimacy here. Emotional intimacy.
Of course, self-esteem usually kicks in around here because, especially if you really like the person, your own self-perceived inadequacies become terribly pronounced in your mental landscape. Consequently, you try your damndest to hide these shortcomings, lest the other person see them and buy a one-way ticket, Destination: ?Away From You?. Now, if you two are truly incompatible, this is the part where the cracks start to show, and the first signs of an impending end of relationship start to emerge. If you are compatible, however, then you both get that much closer.
The hard thing to realize, or accept, is when one person assigned a positive quality that you don?t see within yourself. If you don?t perceive yourself as ?cute?, or a certain thing you do as ?cute?, but your partner does, instinctively you flinch or pick a fight. I have no idea why this happens. But people have a very hard time accepting a compliment they have not already assigned to themselves. If I told Jenny that she looked great after she had already decided that she looked great that day, then she appreciated it, but it didn?t surprise her. If I caught her on what she felt was a ?fat day? and said she looked skinny cuz, well, to me she looked skinny, obviously I was playing a cruel joke on her and Allan Funt was somewhere waiting in the wings.
And here of course is the crux: in the end, no amount of magazines, friends, and water cooler anecdotal advice can prepare you for what the person you?re with is ultimately going to find appealing. They just can?t. Everyone?s just wired too differently. Even those eight guys lined up at the bar, all wearing baseball caps?they?re all totally different. I know it doesn?t look that way, but believe me, after a night in a bar, it becomes a blur of spaghetti-strapped shoulders for us guys too, and all you ladies are different as well. Qui pro quo. After a while, the faces in the crowd dissolve, but inside the teeming mass of humanity are individuals all looking, in their own individual way, for the same thing at the end of the day. Thus, we?re really talking about finding a needle in the social hay, and that?s why, for so many people, an active search can be so frustrating.
It can be both encouraging and discouraging to know that most relationships are meant to fail. I really believe that. Most relationships don?t work. If they did, we wouldn?t be sitting around talking about it the way we do. It?s not because we?re bad people. Well, some people are bad, like that guy who killed the people in the place with the thing. He?s bad. But most of us, I dunno, just unlucky. Or haven?t found their trifecta yet. We?re one of the first generations who believes it?s our God-given right to have our own trifecta, and not settle for anything less. When you see young people getting married today (I?m thinking 25 or less), they generally do it for one of two reasons: 1) They happen to have found their trifecta early on. 2) They are so afraid they will never find one that they convince themselves that the person they are with is ?close enough? and they just go blindly ahead. I?ve seen both already in my life.
In the end, you don?t find the needle. The needle finds you. Generally the way. You hear very few stories which start with, ?Well, I met her through sheer, blind determination, with all else in my life fading into the distance as I tenaciously pursued opportunities which led to her finally breaking down and accepting me as her hot stud muffin for life.? No way. It?s often some variation of, ?I wasn?t looking for it.? And why? Cuz when you?re not looking for it, your guard is down. You?re not pretending. You?re just being you. And at those moments, if the right person is looking, it?s fireworks.
Not much in the way or originality, but hey. I do what I can. Have a good weekend, everyone.
Posted by Ryan McGee at June 19, 2003 11:43 PM
Comments
I think at some point you should publish you archived blog in print form ala Tony Pierce.
I know I would buy it.
(Just do a better job foot-noting links or better yet I'll help you with a companion CD-ROM)
Posted by: A.J. at June 20, 2003 07:59 AM
Beautifully written! SHould submit a version of this one to msnbc... you've found a way to translate true, unadulterated feelings into words. Bravo.
Posted by: Heather at June 20, 2003 08:54 AM
Umm...just one question. How did you know that I was going to hit my snooze button exactly six times this morning (something I rarely do)? McGee, you are in MA....right?
:)
Posted by: Diana at June 20, 2003 09:52 AM
Maybe now we can get back to the much more important task of analyzing and dissecting "From Justin to Kelly" and why the movie doesn't give us a scene where Justin literally morphs into Kelly...
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 20, 2003 09:55 AM
*puts down binoculars*
Um. Yeah.
Posted by: ryan at June 20, 2003 09:55 AM
Its Friday.
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 10:21 AM
Yup. All day long.
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 20, 2003 10:26 AM
Cue disco music: "Thank God It's Fridaaaay!"
Posted by: Lori at June 20, 2003 10:41 AM
Nice thoughts Ryan - particularly the explaination of why you meet someone when you aren't looking.
Commander, I have a simple answer to your question - Kelly and Justin are the same person. Have you ever seen them in the same room together? And don't say "But the American Idol competition!" because we've all seen Parent Trap. If they can double Hayley Mills in the 60s then they can replicate Kelly and make her ambigiously gay with a bad fro.
Posted by: Megan at June 20, 2003 10:50 AM
If I were Frankie and Annette, I'd be highly pissed that someone was trashing the movie genre that I MADE. Which brings to mind... boys, if you had to pick between Annette and Connie, who would you pick?
Posted by: Heather at June 20, 2003 10:53 AM
Choose moms choose Annette Funnicello. Mmmm... peanut butter and beach movies... two great tastes that taste pretty sandy together...
Megan, the question is have we ever seen Justin WITHOUT Kelly? Sure, we see Kelly on her Miss Independent lonesome plenty of times, but we never see Justin sold separately. What's Applachian child for "riding on her coattails"?
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 20, 2003 11:02 AM
That is a good thought. When don't you see Kelly and Justin together. Is it against their contract to leave each others side. Are they dating , or is it the mere fact that Kelly really wasn't the judges pick for the American Idol. I am waiting for the whole Justin to Kelly to Rueban with a side of Clay.
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 11:56 AM
Justin and Kelly are not dating (according to an interview I heard on WPLJ just yesterday) and she seemed to suggest she was looking forward to not seeing him every damn day. (Being a mutant alien experiment, Justin can, of course, asexually reproduce). You won't actually be seeing that much of Clay anymore because Reuben ate him.
By the way, I have watched seven minutes of American Idol in my entire life. I tuned in for the Justin Vs. Kelly showdown at the end of the first season, heard Kelly sing, heard Justin sing and said, "Oh, this is a no-brainer" and went back to the baseball game I was watching.
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 20, 2003 12:10 PM
I'm thinking about the compliment thing: it's not that you can't give us women a compliment we haven't already given ourselves, it's more complex.
True, if I spent 2 hours getting ready for an event and I'm pleased with the results and you tell me I look great, I'm thrilled. If I don't know how I feel about something, or haven't formed a strong opinion on something, I'm pleasantly flattered. Most women love when you compliment random stuff. "You have the most beautiful fingers/ shoulder blades /ears /small of your back/ etc." That's awesome. And we can even be swayed on something we feel a little negative about. "You like this dress? really? I thought it made me look like an eskimo. it doesn't? thanks!"
But if you give us a compliment that's waaaaay off we're ticked. For example: if you see me for the first time in 3 months and I've put on 40 lbs and you tell me I look skinny, I'm going to be ticked off. 2 reasons why: 1. I'll think you're lying to placate me. 2. You just lost all credibility for compliments for a while. We really can't believe that you acually think we look skinny- so we think you're either lying or an idiot. And we lean toward lying.
That said "You've put on some weight since we broke up." really didn't need to be said. La!
Posted by: Kristen at June 20, 2003 12:17 PM
I'm curious what next weeks topic is gonna be...and the plot thickens.
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 12:24 PM
I have to share that I had the best ride into work today. It was my last ride on Shelby Street to work since I am moving to another side of town. While I am taking a last "glance" at the old Fountain Square I hear Will Smith rapping his way into my smile with Summer.. Summer.. Summer.. Time. Right after I just got done Belting out Tom PEtty's Last dance with Mary Jane. What a blissful morning with the sun perfectly shining.
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 12:30 PM
On the other hand, if I've convinced myself that I look *insert negative adjective here*, all compliments will be taken as placating and resistance to my pessimistic outlook will prove futile. My husband bought me a dress once that I always thought was uncomfortable and unflattering, but he loved it. No matter how many times he told me I looked great in it, I'd still get in a snit and pull at it and keep staring in the mirror wondering where my waist went.
So in short, if I've made up my mind, you're screwed buddy. Just smile pretty and keep your mouth shut.
Posted by: Diana at June 20, 2003 12:33 PM
Oh, Jada. Right now I wish we could all live in your world. Where is that anyway? (be careful how you answer because all of the people who have been dealing with non-stop rain may very well show up at your doorstep with suitcases in hand)
Posted by: Diana at June 20, 2003 12:36 PM
OK, this is something I once tried with my most recent ex. She got her hair cut and hated it. I actually rather liked it. So all of my comments were prefaced with, "I know you're not crazy about it, but I think it's pretty darn cute. I don't think it's anywhere near as bad as you think it is."
Would this cause me to spend a few weeks in the Compliments Penalty Box or this a safe way to proceed?
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 20, 2003 12:38 PM
Well Foley....how did she respond?
Posted by: Diana at June 20, 2003 12:42 PM
I'm thinking that this is a safer way to proceed. Also because you have an air of bulletproof honesty- and that can't hurt.
And hair is inherently a less dangerous playing field than weight or body shape.
Of course I'm sure I'm not the only woman here who has gotten a drastic hair cut and then erupted into tears over the lost hair. So maybe that's not true. shrug.
Posted by: Kristen at June 20, 2003 12:47 PM
Diane, midwest region, (general to be safe) But the bubble bursted when I arrived at the hell hole prison called work.
Commander, that is a very hopeful answer, that would make me feel very good. Its prob. the best way to approach something of that nature. but be careful with the anywhere near AS BAD AS you think. Some women may misconstue that. meaning they might say AS BAD? Oh so its bad, just not AS bad. ya know.
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 12:55 PM
Scooby DOo! i mean Ryan McGEE where are YOU?
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 12:56 PM
Diana, I don't actually remember the reaction, which I guess is a good sign (coz if it was bad, I'd probably remember. And be scarred.) However, we did break up a month later and I was accused of being dishonest in the process, so the two may not be entirely unrelated.
(Except I really did like the haircut).
Jada, the answer to the response "Some women may misconstue that. meaning they might say AS BAD? Oh so its bad, just not AS bad." is "What the? Dear God! This parachute is actually a backpack!" followed by running from the room.
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 20, 2003 01:02 PM
If I could come up with the cure for women to trust their men's words totally, I would be a RICH lady.
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 01:07 PM
Another view I look at is not common amongst women but If you are gonna ask someone their honest opinion say like for instance, if they can tell you have put on a few pounds, You are really asking for the truth so you must be able to handle the truth. I remember once I asked an ex if he could be truthful, and I told him I would not lash out, if in his opinion I had gained a few on my hips and thighs. And he was honest and said, well and stepped back he continued to speak ...I think that your legs are the same you might of accumulated a few on the hips which make you curvier, but yes you have a little. I said thank you. Cause then later I wanted to map out my workout regimen to target that area. GRANTED. I'm not perfect and if he were to be too honest and come and say your hair is freaky today, did you not have time this morning. Ferris Bueller comes to mind "Do I offend"?
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 01:22 PM
Ah. I don't know the entire situation (just bits and pieces) but I highly doubt that a comment over a haircut, or your approach to compliments in general, would be any sort of driving force behind a break-up whatsoever, no matter how sensitive a woman is.
Posted by: Diana at June 20, 2003 01:25 PM
Yeah, I don't think so either. On the other hand, she really hated the haircut.
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 20, 2003 01:31 PM
OHMIGOSH! I just read the extended weather forecast and for all you NY people (and MA people) will FINALLY see some summer weather early next week -- I mean bastard hot (88-92), which is exactly the way I like it.
About bloody time.....
Posted by: Diana at June 20, 2003 01:37 PM
Just in time for me to move my furniture...
Oh for @#$% sake...
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 20, 2003 01:57 PM
could be worse.
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 03:14 PM
We all could have a significant other that wants to go see From Justin to Kelly tonight.
Posted by: jada at June 20, 2003 04:04 PM
Dammit. I just realized I'm going to be in Nashville during the good weather....don't ask.
Posted by: Diana at June 20, 2003 04:11 PM
I'm sorry, I can't seem to get past "sensitive poet who rides a Harley." Mmmmmmmm
Posted by: redhead at June 20, 2003 06:42 PM
Mmmm... a Harley...
Posted by: Commander Foley at June 21, 2003 05:25 AM