Wading in the Velvet Sea

three dates during the weekend = one very large sunday night headache

I highly recommend taking an individual that used to be in the car business along with you when you shop for a new vehicle. Great family fun to watch them run circles around those jerks, and then get better then the price you wanted. Now that's priceless.

Never drink coffee that's been anywhere near a fish.

Tequila, while technically not part of the Atkins diet, sure makes all that beef and cheese more palatable. Particularly when it's ensconced within several margaritas, and even more so when your housemates start running out of ice and use those weird plastic freez-y fake ice cube things instead, which everyone insists on calling "balls," and then there are plenty of jokes about dipping your balls in it, which makes you wish The State was still on MTV but really... when it comes right down to it, what you've learned is that tequila is your friend.

Tequila is your friend.

A world-class DJ spinning for 3 hours in a packed club can be lots and lots of fun. Carl Cox rocks.

from justin to kelly is only palatable after you are drunk. and never drink an uber-margarita (tequila, chambourd AND countreau) AND a cosmopolitan within an hour on a semi-empty stomach, or else you will still be drunk 12 hours later. and you will actually eat chili's and not recoil at what you are putting into your body.

Here's my Peanuts version of what I learned this weekend.

Happiness is....

...discovering a painting you love.
...realizing that pop music actually does have some entertainment value when you're buzzed.
...making friends with someone who has a pool.
...noticing that the sunshine and your glass of Sauvignon Blanc are the same color.

Headbanging to ABBA gives you whiplash.

Mental scar: Older white and hairy men who are undoubtably rich think they can sunbathe at the pool wearing cotton black bikini underwear

and to the little red headed kid at the pool that is really just old enough to talk and walk -I still can't believe you were conversing with your dad while bouncing the rubber ball and yelling to him "take it to the rack" "Take it to the hole". Someone in the family has to be a bball fan or something, I mean this kid looked 18 months.

"TAke it to the House"!

Breaking up, even if everyone thinks it's a good idea, still hurts like no other pain.

It's ok to beat me and smack me around, just don't put your dick anywhere near another woman.

?????????? Riiiiiight. That's what I learned of one individual this weekend.

That there's nothing more pure, more breathtaking or more relaxing than standing on a beach watching the sun set on a warm summer's day.

Wow. Suddenly this is a lot less fun.

Um... "Take it to the RACK, dad! Yeah!!!"

I've also learned a valuable lesson: that when you move into an apartment where the previous tenants have left behind an air conditioner, a George Foreman grill (left in the oven), a pair of ninja sais, to pairs of women's shoes, some miscellaneous weights, enough dirt and crud and dust to make Pigpen happy, loose plaster throughout the ceiling and several disabled doorknobs, it's really only a matter of time before you find they've also left behind a water pipe in a kitchen cabinet.

Geez-a-fricking-weez, people!

"It's ok to beat me and smack me around, just don't put your dick anywhere near another woman."

You just learned that?

There's nothing quite like planning a wedding for September in South Carolina, during the height of one of the most predicted "highly active" hurricane seasons of the last 20 years. I've always known that hurricanes suck, but man, could ya cut me a little slack there, God?

Oh, here's another one: just because the other party guests are getting their tits out doesn't mean you have to.

It's much more fun to watch other people humiliate themselves.

"just because the other party guests are getting their tits out doesn't mean you have to."

Annnnnnnnnnnd SCENE!

"Just because the other party guests are getting their tits out doesn't mean you have to"

... although it makes it a lot more likely you'll end up on Girls Gone Wild: Wedding Edition.

Not particularly new, but I've learned that going out with five straight women won't generally increase your chances of scoring that night either.