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July 02, 2003
I Love the 80's...Remake
OK, so I nearly drove my ’98 Camry off the road last night: who let somebody remake Def Leppard’s “Love Bites” as a dance track? Ya know, remaking “Heaven” by Bryan Adams was one thing—in that Adams doth sucketh ass. But touching a song off “Hysteria”, one of the great pop metal albums ever? (I vacillate on this one—“Slippery When Wet” is awfully good for this genre as well. “Appetite for Destruction” is better than both but isn’t pop. I can’t justify throwing Pearl Jam’s “Ten” on here since it’s a rock ‘n’ roll record, and this has become one lengthy parenthetical statement, now hasn’t it?)
Sad thing is, enough time has past that enough mid-riff baring babes will be throwing down to this new track on Landsdowne Street here in Boston and have absolutely no idea that this song is a remake. Maybe this will be a test as I find someone old enough to date. You know, take ‘em to a room that’s only got two chairs, a table, and an overhead lamp. Let ‘em sweat it out for a few minutes. Then bust in with Zach from “Saved by the Bell” and get all police-y on her booty: “Can you remember where you were when ‘Armageddon It’ first hit the airwaves?” If the answer lies somewhere between, “Huh?” and “Receiving nourishment from a umbilical cord”, I’m out of there.
I’ve always been perpetually awful at guessing ages of women. There’s a margin of error in answering the question, “How old do you think I am?” so slight that Kate Moss couldn’t squeeze through on her skinny days. You want to guess younger, unless they just turned 21. But you don’t wanna guess too young, lest she not believe any other compliment you slip her way. It’s sort of like you’re a contestant on the “Price is Right”, and you want to guess the closest number without going over. By this point, I just flat out say, “Look, I lack the genetic makeup to accurately estimate your age; don’t take offense, I know my limits, and can I buy you a drink, since you’re clearly old enough to receive one legally, and baby, love bites.” And then I’m usually home free. If I’m not, I do my “Chicken Dance of Seduction” and whoa, baby. OK, that’s a total lie, and even I just went to a mental place I currently regret.
Where was I? Oh yea, power ballads now becoming dance tracks. I wonder what’s next for this genre of musical travesties. “Open Arms” by Journey? “Making Love Out of Nothing at All” by Air Supply? “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin? “Toy Soldiers” by Martika? (Jesum, you don’t wanna know the depths of my butt from which I pulled that last gem.)
Anyone else have any thoughts on power ballads they’d morbidly like to see redone in 4/4 “thumpa thumpa” time?
Posted by Ryan McGee at July 2, 2003 08:48 AM
Comments
I know this isn't a power ballad but I heard on XM this morning Rob Zombie doing, "Brinkhouse" is the end of the world not far? I thought Alien Antfarm doing Michael Jackson's, "She's Not my Girl" was bad also!
Posted by: Marc at July 2, 2003 09:04 AM
Huh?
Do you mean "Brick House" and "Smooth Criminal"?
Posted by: ryan at July 2, 2003 09:07 AM
Rob Zombie re-made Brickhouse with the help of Lionel Ritchie for his movie "House of 1000 Corpses."
How about "Every Rose Has Its Thorn?" Mixed by the Neptunes?
Posted by: Lori at July 2, 2003 09:34 AM
Yeh, those Ryan, not enough sleep last night, apparently!
Posted by: Marc at July 2, 2003 09:37 AM
In my mind, I'm now picturing Shakira doing "The Final Countdown" by Europe.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 2, 2003 09:43 AM
Mmm. Shakira. Definitely on the musical versaion of my Top 5 Safeties. Shirley Manson's on there too. Can't give the other 3 without making sure I'm ergriously leaving someone off.
Shakira's 4'11'', and I'm 6'5''. Luckily, I worked around this during my high school prom, when I dealt with the same ratio. You need lawn chairs, but it works.
Posted by: ryan at July 2, 2003 09:49 AM
Shakira on the Elvis tribute last year, I can't remember what she performed, but I do remember that she sounded like a craoking frog. But I see where she drives the mens wild with those gyrating hips. Just don't let her sing.
Posted by: Lori at July 2, 2003 10:02 AM
So I have a maor problem with anyone touching or attempting to remake some of the greater songs of the 80's. As you all remember, I brought that horrid remake of "Bringin on the Heartbreak" by Mariah Carey to your attention. What's up with people redoing Def Leppard songs? Is the the Leppard that hard up for cash? I guess the whole thought of 80's greats being remade ticks me off because it messes with the wonderment of what 80's music really means to me in the first place.
Posted by: Heather at July 2, 2003 10:02 AM
Now that nothing has proven to be sacred, I can see someone remaking Sweet Child O Mine into a dance song.
A little aside here: I actually heard Toy Soldiers on the radio on Sunday night. It's a pretty good song.
Posted by: Tony at July 2, 2003 10:05 AM
Let me splain... 80's music is teased hair, rockin out, crimped hair, neon clothes, hypercolor shirts, whitewashed jeans, funky keyboard guitars, flock of seagulls and boy george style... not some preteen wannabe Britney Spears or washed up Mariah doing covers to lengthen their respective careers. Whatever happened to originality? And "if it ain't broke, don't fix it?"
Posted by: Heather at July 2, 2003 10:06 AM
Shakira: Good dancer, writes her own songs (and gets props for that), wins the Joseph Conrad award for "English isn't her first language, but you tend to forget that."
Has absolutely no conception of her voice's range and so tends to write songs that she can't actually sing. Have someone else sing her songs, and I'm on board.
One of life's mysteries, that is.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 2, 2003 10:13 AM
How about "Beth" by Kiss? Actually, anything by Kiss.
Posted by: Jen at July 2, 2003 12:09 PM
I heard "I can't drive _sixty_ five" on the radio a while back; and it just made me feel bad for everyone involved.
Posted by: kristen at July 2, 2003 12:09 PM
Hmmm....with the present situations going on all over the world, does anyone forsee some awful cotton candy style wannabe singer remaking Winds of Change by The Scorpions?
Posted by: Kim at July 2, 2003 12:10 PM
Im not a huge Marilyn Manson Fan but he did some really cool remakes of Eurythmics Sweet Dreams and Tainted Love (not sure who originated this song) not super ballads but still great 80's songs.
Posted by: Lee at July 2, 2003 12:22 PM
"Tainted Love" was, of course, written by famed French troubador Chretien de Troyes, who was known for his cycle of Arthurian romances and his wicked awesome cover of "Happiness Is a Warm Crossbow" which, at one medieval feast, ran for 20 minutes.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 2, 2003 12:43 PM
He could really jam out on "Why Don't We Drink Mead and Screw", as well.
Posted by: ryan at July 2, 2003 12:46 PM
His "Paradise City" left a lot to be desired, though.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 2, 2003 12:55 PM
Definitely "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger.
Motorin'
What's your price for flight?
BTW, "Tainted Love" was Soft Cell.
Posted by: Diana at July 2, 2003 12:57 PM
I mean, he did change it to "Nottingham City", which was as close as he came to jumping the moat.
Take me down to the Nottingham City
Where the sheriff's gettin' rich
And the poor are filthy...
Take...me...home...
Posted by: ryan at July 2, 2003 12:57 PM
Going back to the origin of this blog, I'm much more into "Photograph" if Def Leppard is going to resurface. After a rather wild and embarrassing party, I realized once that if I had a situation like Demi Moore had in Striptease where pole dancing was my only viable source of income, I'd definitely use that song in my repertoire. None of that Annie Lennox crap. (She's good, but she doesn't rock)
Oh boy, there's an interesting tangent.... what I'd like to know is what Ryan and the Commander would put on their Chippendales CD......?
Posted by: Diana at July 2, 2003 01:17 PM
Holy crap. The Commander just namechecked CHRISTIEN DE TROYES? That's so wrong and yet... yet... so very right!
As for power ballads, I'm thinking "Shadows of the Night" (all-time favorite Pat Benatar, hands-down) redone by "New Coke"-version Jewel.
"Sister Christian" is now forever linked in my head to Will Ferrell as Jesus. Just rent "Superstar" and you'll understand...
Posted by: shannon at July 2, 2003 01:17 PM
McGee, you have no idea how high you just jumped on my official "That's so damn funny it nearly made me pee myself," scale with the Martika reference. I always used to get her confused with the brunette from Bananarama . . .
I do have to take you to task for one thing, though - referring to ANY song from Air Supply as a power ballad. That's just very, very wrong. The only thing "power" about Air Supply was how quickly I could turn mine off whenever one of their songs came on the radio.
Here's my pick for the next power ballad crossover: Justin Timberlake does White Lion's "When the Children Cry"
Posted by: Rob at July 2, 2003 01:21 PM
Diana, this is too easy..
"It's Raining Men" would obviously lead off...
"Leave Me Breathless" by the Coors...
I'd take a breather while McGee did something artistically sensitive and vaguely depressing to a song by Radiohead...
Then we'd finish with some riverdancing to "Come on Aileen."
Renee Zellwegger and Catherine T-Mobile Jones have nothin' on us. Well, asides from millions of dollars. And Oscar nominations. And breasts.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 2, 2003 01:31 PM
I'd really love to see Hansen remake anything by Twisted Sister . . .
Posted by: kristen at July 2, 2003 01:31 PM
Damn. We have a short act, Foley.
*breaks out the dance ball*
The green plastic watering can...
Posted by: ryan at July 2, 2003 01:34 PM
Rule number one: Always leave them wanting more.
Now I have that Chris Farley/Patrick Swayze Chippendales skit from SNL stuck in my head.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 2, 2003 01:42 PM
Ok, obvious question, who's Farley and who's Swayze?
Posted by: Lori at July 2, 2003 02:20 PM
There's no 1:1 correlation, really. I mainly keep remembering Chris Farley's dance and how comedically repulsive it was.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 2, 2003 02:25 PM
I found it to be more like a train wreck - no matter how gory it was, I could not NOT look. From pictures, I can't see that either you or Ryan embody all of Farley's "sexiness" in that particular skit. I use sexiness in the loosest meaning of the word.
Posted by: Lori at July 2, 2003 03:04 PM
Farley even sounds like Foley. C'mon, it's obvious.
Only wait, Foley has a lean body, and you can pinch an inch...on my forehead.
Point: Foley.
Posted by: ryan at July 2, 2003 03:06 PM
Yes, but Chris Farley looked like he had eaten a baby. Or a day care class.
Posted by: Lori at July 2, 2003 03:20 PM
The spectre of a shirtless Chris Farley has caused the conversation to come screeching to a halt.
My bad, everyone.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 2, 2003 04:12 PM
"Who brought a baked potato?"
"My bad, I missed lunch."
Posted by: ryan at July 2, 2003 04:15 PM