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July 10, 2003
10 Ways To Have Your Lover Leave You On Yo' Booty
OK, so Tim threw this article my way, detailing ‘Ten Signs She’s Not Interested’. So I read it, but it’s pretty lame. I was hoping for some great insight or something, you know, like they give in Cosmo Girl. Not that I read, um, Cosmo Girl.
But ‘tips’ like, ‘She doesn't listen to you’, ‘She is happily married’, aren’t really rocket science tips. What about real signs she’s not interested?
10. She changes her phone number just to spite you.
You call a few times, and you’re all, like, ‘Yo baby, whassup’, and she can’t figure out how you got her number, and then you remind her that in a drunken stupor, she wrote it on a napkin, and wasn’t smart enough to give you a false one, and she’s all, ‘I hate you, go away,’ and you’re all, ‘You’re so hot when you play hard to get’, and then, like eleven times after this same thing happens, she changes her number.
Yea. She’s not interested.
9. She sends hit men over to your house.
You think things are going well. Then Tony the Fish takes out your kneecaps. Chances are, Melinda wasn’t as into you as you thought.
8. She agrees to meet you for a date, but gives you directions to ‘take a long walk off a short pier’ and find her there.
You might be excited, thinking you’re up for some snorkeling. Turns out, she’s at home watching Trading Spaces and mocking you.
7. She repeatedly says, ‘I hate your patriarchal, phallocentric guts.’
Dude, stop trying to date Wellesley chicks. It ain’t happenin’.
6. She keeps taking you shopping with her.
She’s trying to drive you slowly insane. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit of the mall with your wallet and sanity still in check.
5. She keeps sleeping with your roommate and showing you the sex tapes they make.
When she says, ‘I’m going to get a glass of water’ and comes back 20 minutes later, sans water, and smelling like your roommate's cologne, it’s what experts call a ‘really bad sign, yo’.
4. She re-hires Tony the Fish to ‘finish the job off’.
If physical therapy has done its trick from the previous encounter, just run. Do not look back. Do not collect go. Do not collect $200. If not, I pray your wheelchair is electric. Boogie oogie oogie.
3. Her name is Jennifer Lopez.
ABORT MISSION! ABORT! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!
2. She keeps saying things like, ‘God, I wish you were powered by D cells too’’ while you’re trying to have sex.
Know what? The Spice Channel is cheaper per month than one date with that emasculating psycho, and the Spice Channel will never tell you that your mama didn’t none raise you right.
1. She tells you that you’re a ‘great guy’.
Better known as ‘The Kiss of Death’. Just take out a personal ad that second, guys. Get back on the hunt. This girl has left you already. She’s possibly already shagging a guy less great as we speak.
Anyone else wanna chime in with some tell-tale signs?
Posted by Ryan McGee at July 10, 2003 11:27 AM
Comments
#10 reminds me of a friend of our (for the purposes of discussion, codename: Bagel) who was doing her usual bar thing. Bagel can't shake this semi-loser guy, so when he asks for her number, she goes to write down the fake number that she'd memorized just for the occasion. But she's so drunk SHE CAN'T REMEMBER THE FAKE NUMBER! After about five minutes of trying and failing to remember the fake number (much crossing out was involved), she finally gives him the real one... pretty much by mistake.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 10, 2003 11:36 AM
Oh, Bagel.
Oh, Weepy.
Oh, Trimmy.
How I miss them.
Posted by: ryan at July 10, 2003 11:47 AM
Another sign:
She's infinitely busy. That highway clean-up charity she's involved with takes up all of her free time and going to the most expensive French restaurant in town with you takes her away from her beloved one-pronged pitchfork.
Posted by: Diana at July 10, 2003 11:50 AM
It's a shame my company's internet policy won't allow me to read the actual article.
Posted by: Diana at July 10, 2003 11:53 AM
Oh Ali! Oh Ali's sister!
Sorry. Just felt like doing that. Not related to anything in this article, which obviously has gone over like flatulence in church.
Posted by: ryan at July 10, 2003 03:37 PM
"There are lots of ways to give someone the finger. There's behind the back. And 'Around the World.' And my personal favorite... BOOM!... the Double Deuce!"
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 10, 2003 03:43 PM
"Do you use your powers for good, or for awesome?"
Posted by: ryan at July 10, 2003 03:57 PM
she tells you all the bad things about you. just happened this weekend. I say, "I'm crazy, really - I've been to therapy. on medication." Doesn't really work, though.
Posted by: reality at July 10, 2003 05:13 PM
ARROWED!
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 10, 2003 06:06 PM
I said consumate V's, consumate!
Posted by: ryan at July 10, 2003 06:30 PM
I have yet to locate any girl that was not interested, so this is irrelevant.
*Snort!*
Posted by: Dan the Goose at July 12, 2003 10:28 PM