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July 28, 2003
From Mandy Moore to Manny Ramirez and Beyond
?So tell me about your weekend,? my friend Obi-Wan Neuroses said to me tonite, ?And spice it up, with like, explosions and Bond girls and such.?
(Obi-Wan is the Artist Formerly Known as Excellent Company, and might soon be known as Steve Miller. Gotta keep nicknames fresh, you know.)
Well, I told her about the weekend on the phone, but I won?t bore you, the faithful readers, the details, since remember Rule #1 of the Blog: Do NOT talk about the blog. Oh wait, no it?s not, it?s ?I am the most uninteresting on the blog.? This will never turn into a ?What I Did on My Summer Vacation? site, and so help me God, if it does, shoot me in the face at close range. I?ll be wasting valuable bandwidth that could used to further the efforts of the fledging porn industry as they struggle to get a toehold on the Internet. Let's root for them, people; they have a hard road ahead of them.
I will however talk about some random thoughts and highlights, some of which may be true, some of which will be utter fabrications, and some will be an amalgamation, like the one where my friend Kristin starts to bellydance to ?The Thong Song? while John?s girlfriend deconstructs the meta-text of the veil.
Here we go. About three of you will enjoy this. As for the rest of you, pray for visuals.
Item #1:
You don?t wanna play cards with me. Seriously. I?m like Rain Man only I?m an idiot savant without the ?savant? part. My friends taught me how to play Spades on Saturday night, and my utter lack of grasping the rules led to bids that completely confounded everyone, including my partner. Luckily, I threw everyone off enough that I ended up helping my team win.
Also, playing ?Revolution? with a Ph.D. candidate in Women?s Studies means you can have interesting discourses about the performativity of gender as you became the Empress to her Emperor. Fun for the whole family!
Item #2:
You can add ?Gloucester, Massachusetts? to the lengthening list of ?Ryan?s Liver Takes a Lickin? and Keeps on Tickin?? World Tour. I love Kristin?s family. Their idea of a handshake includes having a beer in hand when they shake it. How can you NOT love that?
Item #3:
Sorry ladies, I?m off the market. Got me a new lady friend. And if that?s news to you, well, it?s news to me too, since I found this out from a friend of mine this evening. Who knew, eh? I went to the theatre for the first time all summer, since I?m doing a small bit of work on a dance performance this week at Harvard, and lo, I?m instantly swept back into Gossip Central.
(Also, who says ?lady friend? anymore? I wouldn?t call my grandfather?s, um, uh, person who?s a female and who?s not my grandmother but I can?t say girlfriend and oh lord this is annoying?Fine, she?s a lady friend. But if and when I do start dating, or have a date, she will NOT, under any circumstances, be ?a lady friend?. You can call her Al, for crying out loud, just don?t call her that.)
Item #4:
Nothing, and I mean nothing, tops playing frisbee at sunset on a secluded beach.
Item #5:
When someone asks you if you?re a God, you say YES!
Item #4 has been brought to you by the movie ?Ghostbusters?.
Item #6:
I read both novels in Sarah Dessen?s ?How To Deal? over the past week. The fact that I finished ?That Summer? while wolfing down boneless buffalo wings in front of a 50?? television in Pizzeria Uno may provide a reason why no one bothered to strike up a conversation with me at the bar. Very few burly men ask a guy reading a book with a pink cover featuring Mandy Moore about those effin? Yankees, I find. Important safety tip, thanks Egon! (Drat, still stuck on ?Ghostbusters?.)
And yes, I recommend them. Normally I?d be internally jealous at how cool her life has been lately, but unless she?s an amazing literary actress, I can?t help but feel great on her behalf as she?s been watching, starry-eyed, at her own life lately. It?s also made me realize that, when ?Ryan McGee: The Movie?, is finally made, that Seth Green needs to play me. Absolutely. No argument at all. Doesn?t matter that I?m 6?5?? and he?s apparently like 4?7??. He needs to play me. Now all I need is a title for the movie. And though I?ll probably regret it, I?ll let you guys throw out some potential names for it. This should be interesting. Then again, they said the same thing about napalm.
Item #7:
The informal survey in Gloucester came back unanimous: ?I Love The 80?s? needs to come out, in its entirety, on DVD pronto. My only additional request would be to have Hal Sparks do an audio commentary for all 10 hours of it. This needs to happen more than a ?Shakira, Shakira, Shakira? one-woman show at the Foxy Lady. OK, not quite. But still. Needs to happen.
Item #8:
People are starving in the streets, yet the federal government commissioned a study which made the shocking discovery that ice cream can make you fat. In related news, after spending $20 million dollars, scientists have announced that you shouldn?t stick your tongue against a metal pole in cold weather. In other still related news, a $500 billion dollar study asks that the nation stop picking at that. ?You?ll just get it infected,? said the Surgeon General.
Item #8:
I went to the theatre tonight to work on a show, like I mentioned before. Felt odd, since I really hadn?t work on a show for a year, and hadn?t for nearly a year before that. I used to define myself almost exclusively by doing shows. Turns out, most people I knew back that defined me that way, too. Both parties were wrong. Hard lesson to learn, having the people you thought were your friends see you as commodity, a means to an artistic end. Watched a lot of people doing work I used to do, and had it look utterly foreign in a lot of ways.
It?s tempting to say that the writing has replaced the theatre, but really, it?s that type of external self-definition that got me in trouble in the first place. I share quite a bit with y?all here, but really, you?re not getting it all, unless you?re playing Spades with me at 2 am, or buying another round at a bar with me, or spilling your guts in a Lower East Side dive. This site is all me, but it?s not all of me, and as long as I focus on that, well, we?re all good, you and me.
***
So yea, that's it. No explosions. No women named "Geddup Onme" or "Trixie McBendy". No cool car chases. Sorry, Obi-Wan. I did my best.
Posted by Ryan McGee at July 28, 2003 12:20 AM
Comments
"Geddup Onme" HA! ROFLMAO! Ryan, the weekends are great for your sense of the depraved.
Posted by: Tammy at July 28, 2003 08:44 AM
Actually Ryan, I said "You've been away from me too long. Get over here and make sweet love to me. I'll dress up like a Bond girl for you." But I guess you hear what you wanna hear.
Posted by: Obi-Wan at July 28, 2003 09:31 AM
Wow. That's an intriguing question... who would you get to play you in "You: The Movie"? Ryan would get Seth Green. Me, I'm stumped on this one...
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 28, 2003 09:34 AM
All time, Tim? Jimmy Stewart, but that's obvious. Contemporary? I'm thinking Tobey Maguire.
Posted by: ryan at July 28, 2003 09:39 AM
There's a question: who would you want to play you in the movie version of your life? My all time personal choice is obviously Ms. Bacall (because she'd make me fabulous), but contemporary version? Hmmmm. I've had this discussion with friends before and the closest we've ever come is that Cate Blanchett would do a good job playing me but looks nothing like me.
Wow, being a casting director is really hard!
Posted by: Diana at July 28, 2003 10:47 AM
Yeah, I'm not sold on Tobey, to be honest. I think he's great, but I'm not sure "and Tobey Maguire as Commander Foley" is the most logical choice.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 28, 2003 10:56 AM
Oh, we're casting for "Commander Foley". I thought we were casting for Tim. In that case, Dolph Lundgren. Done and done.
Posted by: ryan at July 28, 2003 11:13 AM
I think I gotta go with Nic Cage instead of Tobey. He can do the serious me, the comedic me, the eccentric me, the stammering me, the eloquent me, the soulful me, the bouncy, energy-filled me and the flat-out geek me (not sure how well Tobey would do on the comedic, bouncing energy-filled or the flat-out geek me.) Plus, knowing what a psycho perfectionist he is, Nic would follow me around for two weeks to make sure he got all of my mannerisms down. That would rule.
As for Commander Foley, the clear choice would be Daunte Culpepper, if he could act.
Posted by: Commander Foley at July 28, 2003 02:20 PM
Wow, not one, but two open queries, and yet this went over like 99 lead balloons. Oh well.
Nic Cage works, Tim, I can see that.
Posted by: ryan at July 28, 2003 02:42 PM
First, I want to vouch to Ryan's inability to bid during card games. Having said this, he soundly kicked my ass, so perhaps he's not so bad at the cards.
Second, I'm going to pick a longshot for my movie. I want the guy from Real Genius. No, not Val Kilmer. The other one. The 13 year old kid. In that role, he really showed the nerdiness, the naivete, and the awkwardness around women that I hope the movie about my life to capture.
If he's not available, I'll settle for Jude Law. At least he's got the hairline down.
Posted by: John at July 28, 2003 03:35 PM
I'm so glad that Real Genius was mentioned. Love that movie. So- I'd probably need Sandra Bullock to play me b/c she could be sexy me, clumsy me, silly me, freaked out me, and smart me. Our coloring is also similiar, brunette, although I'm a bit darker skin tone wise. If not Sandy, then maybe Ashley Judd. She's got that extra sass and big toothy grin like me.
Posted by: Heather at July 28, 2003 03:41 PM
John, sure you don't wanna be portrayed by Lazlo, the Frito-Lay guy?
What about Kent?
C'mon, man, "Real Genius", the movie that single-handedly saved the Jiffy Pop empire. Good times.
Posted by: ryan at July 28, 2003 04:15 PM
Wow, Heather, I'd also pick Sandra Bullock for the exact same reasons. My second was also Ashley Judd.
Posted by: Lori at July 28, 2003 04:17 PM
And she was MY backup to Seth Green! Whoa!
Posted by: ryan at July 28, 2003 04:19 PM
And not to mention the fact that you just visited my city of residence... by the way, how was your trip?
Posted by: Heather at July 28, 2003 04:22 PM
It was great! Walking down Queen street at 1:30 piss drunk was memorable. I am considering another trip in the fall.
Posted by: Lori at July 28, 2003 04:38 PM
AH yes, cobblestones are the best aren't they? Especially in heels. When I was going to the College of Charleston, nestled in the bosom of downtown chucktown, we used to watch the freshman trip over bricks on a daily basis. Sadistic, but nothing funnier.
Posted by: Heather at July 28, 2003 04:43 PM
I figured the residents must be used to it, because we were LOUD and no one came and told us to shut up. But we had the best time walking around, checking stuff out and shopping. And we had great food.
Posted by: Lori at July 28, 2003 05:00 PM
Coming in late to this one, as usual... I'd pick Maggie Gyllenhaal. She's got that awkward-cute thing that I wish I had, as opposed to just awkward.
I put this question to my 310-lb, 6'5" conservative Christian coworker. His answer was "Strom Thurmond, even if he's just a corpse. Or maybe Val Kilmer."
Posted by: jeanna at July 28, 2003 05:45 PM
Heather, my brother went to the College of Charleston. Small world!
Posted by: Diana at July 29, 2003 08:39 AM
That's it. I want my beer back. There's an E in my name. Go back to being peasant #2.
Posted by: KristEn at July 29, 2003 01:54 PM