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August 12, 2003
Can You Blog Me Now? Goooood...
On Sunday night, I called my grandmother. We spoke on the phone for 15 minutes. We talked about the trails and tribulations of the roommate search, my own personal Sisyphean task. Talked about Mom, Dad, the brother. Talked about a lot of this and that, and then promised to keep in touch.
I bring this up since it’s basically the longest I’ve spent on the phone where I didn’t wanna slit someone’s throat by the end of the conversation.
I just don’t do the phone. Don’t do it. Can’t. Don’t like it. No no no no no. I get more emails in a day than I use cell phone minutes in a month. I spend more time instant messaging at night than I do with a phone against my ear for a week. I’m a child of computer-based communications. I will not use my cell phone, Sam I Am.
Verizon loves people like me. Not only do I not use up my 400 daytime minutes, I don’t use up 400 minutes PERIOD in some months. Doesn’t happen. People who know me know better than to call---they’re more likely to get through faster via email. I know it doesn’t make sense, but then again, neither do the Goo Goo Dolls, and look at their album sales. C’mon. I don’t want the world to see me either, sometimes. Just wanna hop up on a black balloon. And I won’t tell them your name. And yes, no more GGD quotes.
Now, I realize that not everyone is as obsessed with online communication as I am. I’m OK with that. It’s not my fault everyone else hasn’t caught on as much as me. I pray for all your souls every night than you may one day see the grace and glory of all things displayed on a flat-screen monitor.
Be that as it may, I occasionally have to come down from the heavens to communicate in ways I neither like nor understand. Here’s a typical phone conversation:
Me: Hey
Them: Hey.
Me: Get my email?
Them: Which one?
Me: The one I sent three minutes ago?
Them: Uh…
Me: Look, just for once check your mail, and write me back? OK
Them: Wait a sec…
Me: *click*
And done.
Phone conversations are annoying for several reasons. Firstly, I only have a cell, and you have to like, hold the damn thing up to your ear. That’s annoying. I want to invent a shoulder-pad type thing like on old-school phones where an eight degree tilt of the head provides a metric ton of pressure between your ear and your shoulder, clasping the phone in so tight not even a bullet could knock it out. But no. I gotta hold the thing up. No good. I work hard for the money. You better treat me right.
Secondly, while some people value the ability to decipher meaning through intonation, pronunciation, and any and all heavy breathing, I prefer the ambiguity of email and IM. Why know for certain when you can cloak all interactions with a never-ending series of “What did they mean by that?” and “Is that sarcasm?” and “Was that really a typo or did she really mean, ‘I totally slept with this hot guy last night’?”
Thirdly, you can’t simply walk away and make a ham sandwich in the middle of a phone call without the other person getting the idea that you’re not the center of their universe at that particular moment. Very annoying. For me, that is. Mmm…ham.
Of course, the downside to this is that I’ve engaged in IM conversations that take longer than the hammering out of the treaties that ended the World Wars. These conversations are what scientists call a “bad thing”. Things would could have been solved (or even never started) if done face to face or over the phone have been dragged out into epic typing exhibitions of raw power and completely convoluted logic the likes of which haven’t been seen since Dylan stopped mainlining roofies while in the studio.
So I’m trying the phone thing. Really am. I don’t like it, but I’m trying. I guess…well, I like IMs/email/blogging since there’s always a “DELETE” key there to save my sorry ass. Can’t really do a search and replace on “fat ass” in a heated conversation, now can you? Easy as pie though, even on this ancient PC I have at home. As unstructured and unedited as this stuff is, I’m still picking and choosing the words nonetheless. Even when mocking myself, I’m still mocking myself in the best way I consciously can. On the phone---well, I tend to muck it up.
I’m fairly good at improv conversation; that is to say, I can sorta ramble and generally get away with it without offending too many foreign countries in the process. For some reason though, if the conversation is actually important, I’ll find exactly the wrong turn of phrase to send the next hour into a bad outtake from “The War of the Roses”. Might as well call the damn thing, “Who’s Afraid of 1000 Mobile-to-Mobile Minutes?” The moment is always just past you, and as such, there’s no time to reshape, reform, come up with a new topic sentence---you’re always and forever writing forward. I don’t always work well on the first draft. Yet that’s all I get on the phone.
Sometimes it’s OK. Like, if I’m ordering a pizza, and I accidentally say, “Large” instead of “Small”, then I can recover quickly. No harm, no foul. If I do the same thing when a girl asks me about how big her butt looked that day…yea. Whole other set of problems. Look, for the time being, know I’m trying. For the near future, however, for both our sakes, if you wanna know, just drop me an email. I’m sure to get back to you as soon as possible.
Posted by Ryan McGee at August 12, 2003 12:14 AM
Comments
I, and probably all sufferers of severe vocal tics, agree with you completely about the phones.
Posted by: Dan the Goose at August 12, 2003 07:04 AM
I find the telephone completely unnecessary. Why have an actual conversation with someone when you can hide behind your computer and send email?!
Posted by: Kim at August 12, 2003 10:23 AM
I can vouch for Ryan's phone aversion. Dear God, can I vouch for Ryan's phone aversion. You get past the two minute mark and you can practically hear him thinking, "One-one thousand, two-one thousand..."
As for me, the biggest benefit of email is I can continue writing while I'm at work. I tend to really dislike talking at the phone at work because I just...can't...stop...working... while I'm at work. Since everything I do is Web-based, it's pretty easy to start an export test, write a paragraph while it's running, then start the import test, write another paragraph, lather, rinse, repeat. Whereas on the phone, I can usually at best give 1/2 of my attention to whoever's on the other line (whether it's a personal call or a professional call) unless I completely stop what I'm doing, and that's bound to tick me or him/her off sooner or later.
However, the rest of the time, I prefer the phone and VASTLY prefer to be in the same room with whoever I'm talking to. Conversations flows so much more naturally... and they can shut me up if I'm rambling. IM'ing drives me nuts, and I generally only use it to talk to McGee or the occasional, "It's 2 am; what are you still doing up?" shout-out to Ensign Foley. IM'ing just irks me... possibly because everyone I've met who can carry on a conversation on IM for more than 30 minutes without breaking down and picking up the phone has been a FREAK AND A HALF. (Except McGee). (Uh, maybe.) Possibly just luck of the draw, but there you have it.
Posted by: Commander Foley at August 12, 2003 10:29 AM
I have a land phone and a cell phone, but rarely use them. Sprint is very happy with me as well. I use about 1/4 of my 300 minutes each month. Not that people don't call me, I just don't answer. And forget about returning voicemails...
Posted by: Myra at August 12, 2003 10:31 AM
The purpose of voicemail is so we can determine if the call is really that important to return.
Posted by: Kim at August 12, 2003 10:44 AM
Hmmm... I must be a communication whore then:
Not only do I love talking on the phone, I also love IM-ing, emailing, corresponding by letter, face-to-face chats and of course, blogging...
Then again, I AM a Gemini and my patron God is Hermes, the God of Communication...
And Foley: I'm most assuredly NOT a "Freak-and-a-half". Ryan-dude can vouch for that *wink*
Posted by: glovefox at August 12, 2003 11:06 AM
See, I can't really deal with writing email. It takes me two weeks to write two sentences sometimes. I'll do it for the folks that are out of town. But someone who lives in the same city as me? Way easier to call them for five seconds and say the two sentences, which most likely have something to do with making plans to, like, actually hang out in person.
Posted by: laura at August 12, 2003 11:13 AM
I hear you Ryan. Sometimes I just hate the phone. And I particularly hate cell phones. I have one, but I rarely answer it when I'm out because I think that is so rude. Haven't you been out with a friend before and they answer the phone and have a conversation while you are just standing there? It's ridicuous. Or people who leave them on during lectures/movies/plays/meetings...ARGH. Drives me nuts.
Breathe...breathe...
Posted by: Megan at August 12, 2003 11:22 AM
Hmmm... the astrology of communication tednencies, eh? As a ridiculously prototypical Capricorn and an Earth Sign, I suppose it just makes sense that I prefer communicative methods that are more grounded... phone and interpersonal communication. Although the fact that when I talk to someone on the phone, every sentence isn't followed by an annoying "doodle-oo!" certainly helps. And e-mail-at-work has a practicality to it which certainly appeals to my workaholic, methodical Capricorn nature.
Ensign Foley is a Scorpion, as is McGee. Hmmm... curioser and curioser...
Posted by: Commander Foley at August 12, 2003 11:30 AM
I swore up and down that I would never get a cell phone... until I finally realized how impossible I was to get a-hold of... and how many auditions I was missing out on as a direct result... and how often I thought, "Crud, I'm stuck in traffic. How can I let them know I'm going to be late to rehearsal?"
And then I caved like Alex Rodriguez when the Rangers offered him $252 million.
However, talking on the phone *during* a movie? Letting your phone go off during a performance? I hear they're building a tenth circle in Hades just for you. We had Oedipus Rex performance with the RUDEST AUDIENCE EVER. Flash photography. Talking during the show. People getting up and walking around. Someone leaving via the front row in the middle of a speech. And a cell phone going off. Luckily, Oedipus' next line in the script was "Who did it?" and he was able to direct a stare of death directly at the culprit.
Unfortunately, he lost his concentration moments later and talked about how it was prophesied that he would sleep with his father and kill his mother.
Posted by: Commander Foley at August 12, 2003 11:46 AM
Perhaps the Commander is on to something? For I too am a textbook Capricorn.
That said, more people need to practise cell-phone etiquette. If you must have it always on, at least turn the ring silent when appropriate.
Posted by: laura at August 12, 2003 11:47 AM
I am a Libra, typically social butterfly, but sometimes I just want to be left alone (there's a balance of social v. alone time) so I turn off the cell phone and turn off the ringer on my home phone. My friends hate that. Leave a message, if I want to talk to you, I'll call back.
Posted by: Lori at August 12, 2003 12:07 PM
Hmmm...I'm a scorpio. Hate communication.
Posted by: Kim at August 12, 2003 02:18 PM
*Cues the Zeppelin*
Communication breakdown
It's always the saaaaaaaaaaaaaame....
Posted by: ryan at August 12, 2003 02:21 PM
Virgo here. One on one in person conversation is my favorite (though I'm beginning to love IM) though I'm a Leo cusp so occasionally feel the need to work a large crowd. Still hate the phone though. Particularly since everyone here at work can hear me. Damn officle (it's not an office, it's not a cubicle)......
Oh, and people who have cell phone conversations during movies suck. One of these days I'm going to turn to one of them and say "Look, I didn't pay ten dollars just to listen to you, you know."
Posted by: Diana at August 12, 2003 02:48 PM
(It's not a officle, it's a baby!)
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Posted by: Commander Foley at August 12, 2003 02:55 PM
Oh, Foley, you just made my day. :)
Posted by: Diana at August 12, 2003 03:13 PM
Since I didn't grow up in the age of email and IM, I still have a few friends who have not yet fully embraced electronic communications. With them, I still enjoy a good long phone call. But here's the thing: Whether it's on my cell or a land line, I do this in the PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME. I don't have long conversations of the "So, he's all... and then SHE'S all..." variety in public. Why do other people? Why did the girl pumping gas next to me this morning feel she needed to have a long conversation about her boyfriend WHILE SHE WAS PUMPING GAS? Why do people fight with their significant others via call phone AT WORK? Why do people make dental appointments while in line at the grocery store? It can't be just a generation thing since I'm as likely to email or IM as anyone in their 20s.
Posted by: redhead at August 12, 2003 04:47 PM
I have noticed the same thing! It seems like people think they have an impenetrable shield around them, making their cell phone conversations inaudible to the rest of the grocery-shopping or gas-pumping population. I am guilty of it myself, conversing freely while cruising the produce section, and I have no logical reason to explain why I do it. But one thing I hate is the fools who leave the phone on in a movie/play/lecture, as mentioned by others. They have a vibrate or silent feature for a reason, people. Use it.
Posted by: Lori at August 12, 2003 05:12 PM