Wading in the Velvet Sea

That all being said, I�m quite glad at the timing of my flight, in that by Thursday afternoon, Logan should be up and running. There�s something cool about waking up in one city and that very night being facedown in a toilet in another part of the country. Glorious, really. President of the Chicago chapter of the Ryan McGee Fan Club, Tara, keeps threatening to take me to see turtle racing while there. I�m not sure if I�m excited by this prospect, but the �pay $10 and drink as much as humanly possible in 2 hours� sounds fantabulous. To get a deal such as that, I�d let the turtles race over my bare chest. Just keep the pints coming like Paul Walker: fast and furious.

Tara and I chatted a bit today about yesterday�s entry. She�s one of many she knows that are working hard at enjoying their singlehood. It�s not that these people feel an interior pressure to date; rather, they all experience external pressures which reduce them from �feeling generally OK about things� to �quivering masses of jelly, huddled in the corner, wondering how they could be so selfish as to take up oxygen that could be better inhaled by someone else�.

One of the great things about my parents divorcing, if there is anything great to be had, lies in the fact that my mother no longer wonders when the grandkids are coming. Not that she�s ever put an extraordinary pressure on me to breed, but her general current attitude towards romance means that I get a break. Then again, my dad�s trying to set me up now, so there�s a ying and yang going on there.

So, rather than come down and proclaim either the single or dating life �the best�, I thought I�d just lay out some pros and cons for both. You know, a compare and contrast type of analysis. I used to write these exercises back in my academic days, and since I�m still paying my loans, I might as well feel like I am getting some use from that education. We�ll take these in groups of threes. No rhyme or reason, I�ll just spit these out as they come to me. I could of course carefully plot of all this out, but I�m far too lazy and �Queer Eye� is on soon. What do you want, my soul?

OK, here we go.

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Three Pros About Being in a Relationship

You�re generally guaranteed to get some on a fairly regular basis.

Cannot be emphasized enough. You need more than this to sustain a relationship, but you really can�t deal with less, unless you�re the Dali Lama, and if you are, shame on you for reading this website. Go write a pamphlet with Richard Gere.

You can definitely see more action single than if you�re in a relationship, but that requires the endurance of a triathlete, the morals of a politician, and the alcohol tolerance of Keith Richards. Some people live for the chase. Me? I live for the slow lope to the bedroom with the girl I know for a fact wants to see me naked on a decently regularly basis. Call me crazy. Won�t be the first time.

You get to do nice things for someone whenever the impulse hits you.

I like spontaneously doing things for people, and Jenny especially was always really appreciative of the things I did. Doesn�t have to be expensive (thought Lord knows she preferred it), just has to be thoughtful. There�s a lot to be said for simply expressing your affection with words, but generally, you need some deeds to back up your claims.

These type of acts works when the goal is completely selfless: you just wanna make someone else happy. OK, and maybe encourage them to wear that new underwear they keep hinting at. You can�t always live on the moral high ground here.

You�ve got that special relationship where you two know each other better than seemingly anyone else.

There�s just something cool about having one person know exactly what to say, or what to do, or be that person for someone else. Just rocks. And it�s times like that where you�re at your most confident and vulnerable at the same time: you know that no one else could be you, no one else could be them, and there�s strength in that. There�s also a slight bit of terror, since you know how fleeting that can be. And maybe that�s why you hold each other just that much tighter at those moments.

I could go on, but I�d much rather not, just yet. Maybe another day. You either get that paragraph, or you don�t. No real explication necessary beyond what�s there.

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OK, let�s flip the switch, same basic ideas, but from a �bad cop� perspective:

Three Cons About Being in a Relationship

While you�re guaranteed to get some, you pretty much know what you�re gonna get.

Variety can be the spice of life, and while you know in your heart of hearts that it�s better here than in the single life�well, the grass is always greener. You start to think about other girls. Hopefully just movie stars, but eventually some of their friends too. And you don�t literally want to have sex with these people. Um, usually.

It�s like being at a restaurant. The two of you are there, and you get your usual meal. You really love this meal. You do. But occasionally you catch what�s on the plate of someone a few tables away, and think that looks pretty damn great too. But you don�t go over to that table and starting eating that food.

But sometimes you look, nonetheless. And sooner or later, you want to try that something new. Not saying it�s right. Just saying it happens. And happens a lot.

You�re expected to do nice things for someone.

Once expectation comes into the process, well, it�s a death knell. I�m not talking here about fundamental moral laws of interaction (ie, don�t call her �Whore of Babylon�, don�t spread rumors that he gave you a rash, etc). I�m talking about that point where staying in versus going out becomes a matter of, �Well, we USED to go out. I guess you just don�t like me anymore.�

We all tend to go overboard at the beginning of a relationship. Dinners all the time, five emails/three phone calls/four text messages a day, compilations CDs, theatre tickets, weekend jaunts to Bali, etc. So much so that when you settle into a normal pattern, both socially and economically, of COURSE it�s gonna seem like the fire is gone. You�ve set the bar too high. You�ve only got one place to go. Like Nelly, you�re going down, down baby. And unless you�re Paris Hilton, you have a limited amount of money and esteem. You�ve blown through a chunk of savings to prove your worth, and now they are brow beating you since they know consciously or subconsciously associate �money spent on me� with �their level of affection for me�.

Here�s my suggestion: All first dates at Arby�s. Work your way up from there, people. It�ll save us all in the long run.

You�ve got that special relationship where you two know each other better than seemingly anyone else, and therefore can push buttons that lead you from Defcon 5 to World War III within minutes.

Everyone�s got his or her mental Achilles� heel. Hell, some people have mental Achilles� torsos. We all have our vulnerable points, and part and parcel of being in a relationship that means anything at all is exposing these spots to the other person. It�s a bit like the nuclear arms race: both sides know the other side has weapons of mass destruction, but no one really wants to deploy theirs first, since the carnage will be undoubtedly catastrophic. So we hold off as long as we can. But inevitably, one side fires.

And once that happens, well, it�s Global Thermonuclear War For Two.

After all, our instinct is Newtonian: for every hurt, we wish to inflict and equal and opposite hurt. And the stronger the relationship, the more surgical the strikes become. Hey, Pat Benatar was right: love�s a freakin� battlefield.

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Alrighty roo, well, we�ve covered these three areas when you�re dating�what about when you�re single? Let�s see what we find.

Go here and check it out.