Wading in the Velvet Sea

Now, before continuing, let me make a few things clear: I said chicks destroy everything. Chicks. Not women. Women I’m OK with. They have their stuff together, generally smell nice, and don’t eff up my feelings towards my bland, white iPod. But chicks…oooh, chicks destroy everything. When those pink Red Sox hats came out last year, I figured them for some novelty item distributed at some sorority’s rush. But by the time Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore ran onto the field after Game 4 of the World Series, these hats were more prolific than Stephen King’s writing. The sonsofbitches were everywhere. Made me almost ashamed to be a Sox fan. Chicks destroy everything.

(If you’re looking for a little gender equality here, let’s posit it this way: Guys ruin everything. They don’t destroy everything, in that they don’t render a thing obsolete, but they generally get hair and dirty socks on them, and thus ruin to the point where one must throw them out and get a new one. Men are like women, in that they both smell nice, unless they are Eurotrash who mistake Drakkar Noir for soap. But that’s another case and another article. Hers, in fact.)

The reason for all this outrage, as you might have gleaned, lies not so much in the proliferation of pink Red Sox hats (that’s a constant, simmering boil, brought to the surface only on occasion), but the “chickification” of the iPod. The fact that pink/blue/mauve iPod minis have seeped into the marketplace is tragic enough, but obviously enough women bought them that Apple went and marketed their new generation of iPod minis specifically at chicks. Not at women. At chicks. I’ll give you a sample of the text on Apple’s new iPod mini page to illustrate what I mean.

This season’s must-have accessory? Your music. Listen in style with iPod mini, from just $199. Like any classic fashion icon, iPod mini goes with everything: Macs, PCs, sequins and tees. And with up to 18 hours of battery life, it’ll outlast the latest trend. Choose from 4GB or 6GB (super)models in kicked-up colors and show off your music collection.

Here’s the test if you’re wondering if you’re a chick or a woman. If you’re the former, you’re already excited and ordering one. If you’re the latter, you just threw up on your shoes.

Are they pimping an MP3 player or a Jackie Onassis fashion show? And does any man besides Elton John wear sequins? My point hath been made. Oh my head hurts already.

From Runway to Subway
Weighing in at just 3.6 ounces and showing off in three new shades, iPod mini fits your lifestyle and your bag, whether it be cocktail purse or messenger duffle. The chic, matte anodized aluminum case resists stains and scratches, all the while protecting your iPod mini — from, say, the jostle of overzealous paparazzi.

Look, if you want to reach Paris Hilton directly, just call her up. Her phonebook’s been released on the Internet already. No need to get all up my grille. Or my cocktail purse. It’s new.

Recessed in the case to keep its surface pristine, the 1.67-inch (diagonal) backlit screen displays full song and album titles, artists’ names and more. And iPod mini lasts up to 18 hours on a single charge(1): enough for a transatlantic flight, the limo ride to your hotel and a few solid hours of boutique shopping. Of course, iPod mini works just as well for your everyday pursuits. With up to 25 minutes of skip protection, you can even walk the dog in style.

Silly me. I thought iPods were about a great way to make your record collection portable. Instead, its purpose is to turn everyone into Carrie Bradshaw wannabes. My bad.

Also, if you can afford a transatlantic flight, limo service from de Gaulle Airport, and a few hours shopping on the Champs-Elysees, stop being a cheap bastard and buy the 40GB iPod. Or better yet, buy me one. I know it’s not aqua, but we’ll get through this together. Or just as long as it takes for me to snatch the 40GB iPod and knock you down.

Music is the New Black

OK, where’s my gun? Seriously?

Set your iPod mini to stun with more vibrant color choices to fit every mood (or outfit). Whether you prefer “Pretty in Pink” or “Yer Blues,” iPod mini turns heads with every tune you play. Find the hue that suits you. Love The Clash but hate to clash? Not to worry. Now even the Click Wheel control icons match your iPod mini.

Well, I thought for a second that the first sentence is throwing a bone to the guys, but turns out they are not referencing “Star Trek”. And while I’m sure the Psychedelic Furs are happy for the shout out in sentence two, I’m pretty sure John Lennon turned over in his grave seeing “Yer Blues” mentioned in this add. Ditto for Joe Strummer in sentence four.

One more thing: if you’re worried about your goddamn click wheel icons matching the rest of your iPod, you’re a chick and you need to go. Your genes are no longer necessary in our pool. Thanks for playing.

Put on Some Tunes So light and colorful, iPod mini yearns for the limelight. Indulge in a little scene-stealing yourself when you wear your music on your sleeve...or around your neck. With optional accessories, including a stylish lanyard and mix-and-match armbands, your iPod mini becomes an ensemble essential. Wear it running a trail or walking the red carpet. iPod mini complements any look, from track suit to tiara.

Can we grab all the feminists in a huff over the flap at Harvard and have them attack Apple next? What’s this crap about tiaras? Have Anne Hathaway and Julia Stiles conspired with Apple to set us back roughly 50 years? Is Buddy Haskell running the marketing department at Apple? And what the fuck is a lanyard? I need a drink.

(Also, if you think they track suit reference isn’t a subtle way of saying, “You’re fat”, well, you’re wrong wrong wrong. Ugh. O. Rama.)

Under Your Thumb
Always striving for perfection, Apple engineers moved the iPod’s buttons under the wheel. The iPod mini Click Wheel — complete with color-coordinated icons — takes best advantage of miniscule space and lets you scroll single-handedly through up to 1,500 songs from your iTunes music collection. You’ll find such thoughtful construction only from Apple. Because, try as they might, the competition can’t touch this.

Because chicks have no attention span and just go from one shiny thing to the next, Apple wants to drive home the color-coordinated button thing once again. (Dear Lord, don’t get me into the color-coordinated iPod socks. Oh man. When historians look back in 200 years and try to pinpoint the beginning of the end of Western Civilization, they would do well to start here, I think.)

One-Stop Song Shop Build a collection of music on your iPod mini with songs downloaded from the iTunes Music Store. Choose from more than one million songs and more than 9,000 audiobooks, any of which you can preview and buy with just one click. The iTunes Music Store stays open 24/7 — right on your Mac or Windows PC. Within a minute of finding a song you like, you can own it. Make unlimited playlists, burn individual songs to CD as many times as you’d like and take all your music with you wherever you and your iPod mini rove.

9,000 audiobooks. Because literacy is sooooo 1990’s!

And why is Karl Rove involved here? See what you did, chicks? You got Rove involved. Nice work. It needs mentioning again: you destroy everything.

Oh well, at least it’s not like Apple used synergistic alliances with other chick companies to further hurt my will to live.

Take your iPod mini personally with hundreds of fashionable, functional accessories, including stylish cases by Coach, Burberry and Kate Spade.

Oh fuck.

***

I’m fine with music as a personal statement. I’m even OK with the visual iconography of the original iPod, in that the white headphones provide an incredibly powerful branding statement. What I don’t like is the visual aspect of the iPod overpowering the statement made by the music on the iPod itself. The iPod minis are turning into the disposable pop of the MP3 player world. The marketing, even more so than the actual look, of the iPod mini drives me batty. What drives me even more batty is that I bet there’s a lot of chicks reading the italicized text above saying to themselves, “Oh, that sounds so cute!”

Music’s not cute. It’s visceral, it’s painful, it’s euphoric, it’s transcendent, it’s a balm, it’s an incision, it’s your happy and your sad, your ups and your downs. It’s a lot of things. But it’s not cute. But Apple (and chicks) appears dead set on making the music secondary. Hey, let chicks make the player more important than the music. Just make sure they do it a few hundred yards from me. Otherwise, I’m not responsible for my actions.