Wading in the Velvet Sea

Rather than sum up the weekend (OK, actually, that would be easy: I slept, ate, watched DVDs, played video games), I’m gonna sum up the pop culture of the weekend for yours truly. Judging by the dirth of comments over the last week, it’s not like I have a vast fan base or anything to worry about not liking this concept…

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Had a gift certificate waiting to be spent, and while some people woulda done the smart thing and purchased groceries, I purchased two 2-DVD sets of the exploits of a milkshake, box of fries, and a wad of meat. Figured it was time to pull the trigger on this purchase after having watched two episodes a night before “Conan” for the past few weeks.

The milkshake character is up there with Homer Simpson for me in terms of “characters that I find consistently and hysterically funny”. Just a completely unhinged, self-absorbed, whining maggot of a milkshake, but hot damn it’s a funny milkshake. He’s the type of character that invests more energy in NOT doing something than it would take to actually do the thing. He’s greedy, lazy, misanthropic, and downright awesome. He consistently messes with the mind of Meatwad, who sounds like Minnie Mouse on helium. In episode two, Meatwad tells Frylock:

“Master Shake told me to go in the freezer, because there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival, it was a damn freezer. I got freezer burn, and I got mushed up against that chicken.”

You either love the above quote or are quietly praying for this entire section to be over. I ripped through the first disc Saturday, and should be done the whole thing by this weekend. There’s not a lot I could watch over and over again, but since I’m laughing through most of these 11 minute episodes, I’m sure there’s a lot to be garnered from the second and third viewings. Speaking of garnering…

13 Going on 30

Still haven’t seen this damn movie. I’ve tuned in 3 times during the opening credits and still turned it off. I should just take my damn resumé off the blog. I’m not worthy.

EA MVP Baseball 2005

So while picking up “Aqua Teen” at Best Buy, I strolled over to the game section. Saw a display for this Donkey Kong game where you beat drums to make the monkey do stuff, and that gave me flashbacks to the Power Glove, and yea, some things are better left forgotten. But since it’s not, let’s revisit the Power Glove for a moment.

The Power Glove was designed in concert by Nintendo programmers and a dominatrix. It’s the only possible theory I’ve come up with that makes a lick of sense short of “aliens were just trying to f#ck with us in the late ‘80s”. Theoretically, you could do stuff like play “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” and actually punch Mike Tyson, but generally you spent a lot of time flinging your arms hoping anything would happen, and after an hour, you’d give up, and your parents would watch that thing collect dust and wonder why the didn’t just go ahead and get the grille that wanted but noooo, their bratty spoiled kid needed a GD Power Glove.

OK, so yea, moving on.

I move past the Matthew McConaughey-wannabe and pick up “EA MVP Baseball 2005”, since Manny Ramirez is on the cover and my coworker had been talking it up like nobody’s business. Wasn’t so sure I wouldn’t regret this impulse purchase, but the fact I was up at 3 am cheering on the fact that my cyber-Curt Schilling just struck out cyber-A-Rod, yea, I made a good choice.

One thing I can’t figure out: one of the modes in the game is called “Dynasty Mode”, where you can take a team (and all its farm clubs) through ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY YEARS OF PLAY. That’s not right at all. That’s “Grand Theft Auto” levels of insanity. Even if you sim all the games, that’s a ridonkulous amount of time to hit the “X” button. It’s taken me nearly six months to finish 25% of most of my games…there’s no way I’ll even get through one season of this game before the real season is done. Oh well. Girls have their uncomfortably shoes, boys have their video games. It happens.

Van Helsing

spoilers ahead, sorta...

STARZ has a free weekend, and somehow chose this debacle as its center piece for getting new subscribers. The person who came up with that brilliant plan should be forced to actually watch this. I’d heard terrible things about this movie, and not only were they all true, but they were actually kind to the movie. I can safely say that I have no idea what the hell happened in this movie. Stuff blew up. I’m fairly certain of that. But the whole “plot”? The “backstory”? The “acting that didn’t involve chewing the scenery the way Kirstie Alley chews a donut”? Absent. Holy moly.

I may have to blog the experience of watching this movie next time it’s on, only because by writing about it, I might find out if indeed this movie was implying that Hugh “The Movie Made Him A Werewolf At The End Just So He Could Rip His Shirt Off” Jackman was 400 years old. I think that’s what they were implying. I almost gave the movie props when it killed off a character I was certain wouldn’t die, only to ruin that almost happy thought by involving this character in the worst denouement this side of “League of Extraordinary Gentleman”. Since Richard Roxburgh is the bad guy in both, I blame him. Especially since he’ll never read this. Terribly convenient, that.

I suppose you could make a drinking game out of this movie. You could drink on things like, “Anytime Kate Beckinsale employs a ridonkulous accent” or “shots that don’t need any CGI but Lord, there it is in massive, mind-numbing quantities” but you’d be dead before the closing credits. Go instead for “shots that clearly show Hugh Jackman ruing the day he accepted this role” and “times you want to kill yourself for the way this film punks out the guy who played Faramir in ‘Lord of the Rings’”. You’ll still have a headache in the morning, but you’ll at least live to see another day.