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April 12, 2005
Ring It Up
In case you were wondering, yes, I am deeply concerned about Batista’s chances of having a successful title reign on RAW. His mic time limited, his presence overshadowed by Triple H, his limited arsenal of wrestling moves, the sheer repetition of…oh, wait, you didn’t wonder? My bad. Oh, you wondered what I thought of yesterday’s Sox home opener? Sorry, guess I need some more coffee.
Without further ado, a few thoughts on the home opener for the Red Sox:
- That 2004 banner was Jerry Bruckheimer-huge. Good grief. Webster’s Dictionary might have to include a snapshot of it under the word “ostentatious” in its next edition. One of the 300 “I love this but I’m sure if I was anywhere in the country I’d hate this” moments. Hard to believe the Marlins pulled off something like this last year. Fairly sure they gave Josh Beckett a bucket of KFC and called it a day.
- Best subplot of the ceremony? The amazing way in which it finally (God, I hope) humanized a good deal of the current Yankees. Between the fact that they by and large were in the dugout for the whole thing, and applauded at certain points (like the Pesky one), hopefully goes a long way towards making us Red Sox fans separate “I don’t like them because they are bitter rivals” and “I wish hatred upon their personage”. The loud applause Torre got during his introduction hopefully points the way towards that. And Rivera’s tip of the cap to the fans’ ironic standing ovation? Priceless. I like the guy now as a general rule almost as much when he’s not blowing saves against us. (Almost.)
- Watching Johnny Pesky tip his cap while in full uniform officially enters “last five minutes of ‘The Karate Kid’ and last five minutes of ‘Field of Dreams’” in the pantheon of “things that if I tune into, no matter what I’ve been doing, will instantly make me well up like a little girl who found out her kid brother stuck her Barbie collection in the microwave”. Just amazing. Almost as amazing as how much of this paragraph was written within unnecessary quotation marks.
- To those of you who think the last paragraph is one of those “hindsight is 20/20” deals: look, to get back to the “Karate Kid” and pull some imagery from there: imagine you’re Daniel Laruso…actually, imagine you’re Ali, rooting for Daniel. And the Cobra Kai beat the snot out of him for a few decades. There are a few Johnny Lawrences in there (Paul O’Neill, A-Rod), but there’s also more than a few guys who just happen to be in the Cobra Kai, are fundamentally good people, but are guilty by association with the Johnny Lawrence types. The Jeters and Williams and Posadas never swept the leg, nor even cheered someone on the sweep the leg, but it was much easier to assume they chanted “sweep the leg” en masse than to deal with the stone cold fact that this team kept getting it done when it matters and your boyfriend, while adept at swallowing you whole after a fulfilling night in an amusement park, couldn’t win the All-Valley Championship. Maybe yesterday’s Yankees’ applause is a small version of the, “You’re all right, Laruso…you’re all right.” And if not, seriously, my fellow Sox fans: save the jeers for those who deserve it. Show some of the class they did yesterday, please. (You can, like, still make fun of Giambi and stuff. That’s totally cool.)
- Mike Mussina’s nickname is “Moose”. Seems more appropriate for Wells that Mussina. Mussina’s nickname should be “Arrogant Schmuck”, just to hear Torre’s press conferences after his loss: “Well, Schmucky just didn’t have his ‘A’ game today…”
- Dave Roberts’ hair: real or spray-painted on by the guys at West Coast Customs?
- DLowe: I’m not the only one who broke open a new bottle of Jack Daniels ever time this guy stepped on the mound before October. Now everyone misses him because he turned Bill Simmons’ Vengeance Scale up to 11 against Red Sox management in time to win four games in the playoffs. Poor guy. Personally, the one guy I miss is Cabrera, since he did all those completely sweet handshakes that took 15 minutes to complete. The Red Sox of 2004 may have been “idiots”, but there are Mensa-level people who couldn’t keep up with Millar’s handshake. Worth noting.
- I’m fairly certain that I’m one of less than ten people on the planet who break into Disney songs every time backup cather Doug Mirabelli comes to the plate: “Mirabelli, Mirabelli, night and day, it’s Mirabelli…” Maybe I can start a trend by writing about it here. (Though somehow the thought of 200 people singing this down at the Cask 'n' Flagon is a bit off-putting, now that I think of it.)
- Those little kids were all surprised and saddened that the Sox and Yanks didn’t shake hands before the game yesterday. I know how they feel. When I was there age, I wrote a letter to Stacey Keenan, that chick from “My Two Dads”, that consisted of essentially an 11-page plot in which I would star alongside then male star Chad Allen. Never heard back from her, either, kiddos. It gets better. In roughly 18 years, you’ll be bald and blogging. Quite a future ahead of you.
- I’m fairly certain that the plot in the above letter ended with Chad and I singing “When the Children Cry” by White Lion. Yea. Wow. Moment of silence, there.
- Another bad childhood memory involving White Lion: I used to play air guitar to “Radar Love” using a pool stick during 7th grade parties. And yet I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t cool. I guess I could have been breaking out self-choreographed moves to Stevie B songs to achieve more social awkwardness, but all in all, I’m glad this is only a theory of mine. Oops, this was supposed to be about the Sox, not me. Oh well. It happens.
Posted by Ryan McGee at April 12, 2005 10:02 AM