Wading in the Velvet Sea

Successful entertainment is based on the ability to transport a passive experience into a more visceral one. Suspension of disbelief, catharsis, etc…these are all part and parcel of entertainment’s ability to transport us into the medium in some fashion. Now, it’s no secret that the video-game industry has been booming over the last 24 months, and I’d think it’s directly due to its ability to provide a smoother, easier method of transportation into a primal entertainment experience. Movies have made improvements over the last twenty years, no doubt, but have they made a leap on the scale of “Super Mario Brothers” to “Halo 2”? Probably not. I don’t care how many orcs Peter Jackson stuck on screen.

And I love “Lord of the Rings”, don’t get me wrong. But the experience for me, and I’m sure for others, when watching a piece of cinema or television is different from that of a gamer enveloped in “Grand Theft Auto” for 2 weeks without sleeping. The latter is transported into the protagonist; the former are transported near the protagonist. Subtle difference but an important one. It’s the difference between doing something and watching something being done. The latter can involve suspension of disbelief, don’t get me wrong, but your fears concern someone else, not yourself. In gaming, you are in control, which simultaneously offers more emotional connection and a greater desire for self-preservation.

Now, movies can never quite replicate this experience, in that it has scripts, editing, post-production, and the like, so the freedom one can experience in gaming (especially open-ended games) can never be fully duplicated. That doesn’t mean one couldn’t use the “Crashers” approach of inserting oneself into a film in a way that taps into our inner desires. We all have those few scenes in which we say, “Man, I wish that were me right now.” Roughly 20,000,000 guys wanna be Han Solo saying, “I know,” to Princess Leia before being frozen in carbonite, right? Right? (Please say, “Right.”) There’s a major market to be tapped here.

Imagine a CGI company that would exclusively perform such facial insertions. (Wow, that sounded…wrong. I’ll work on the marketing later.) You pay this company, say, $1000, and they in turn do a digital scan of your face and plop you into a famous scene. You’re telling me this place wouldn’t make a mint? I know a few people from “My Super Sweet 16” that would pitch a fit until their daddy ponied up to insert them into the Santa-outfit scene in “Mean Girls”.

Now, the only caveat here is that it’s ONLY your face that gets inserted. Not your voice. Please. Last thing I want is my Masshole accent effin’ up a classic scene. Imagine if some dude from Revere wanted to re-enact Al Pacino’s breakdown scene in “Scent of a Woman”? What a disaster. “I’m in the daaahk heeyeah!” Jesum. Not good. And no one wants your off-key voice if you wanna sing a number from “West Side Story”. No voices. Just faces. You’re best seen, not heard.

With all this in mind, here, finally, a thousand words or so later, is my personal list of scenes into which I’d like this fictional CGI company to toss my cute, adorable, pinchable mug. It’s not a complete list, in that I came up with a few last night with another Ryan and at least one of us was drunk at the time. So, take it with a grain of salt, and feel free to leave your own dream scenes in the comments below.

***

The Movie: “Gladiator”
The Character: Maximus
The Moment: “At my signal, unleash hell.”
Why Chosen: One of the coolest lines ever. And I have a man-crush on Russell Crowe. Who, I think, should do all the Verizon ads from now on. He could beat the sh$t out of someone with a telephone and keep yelling, “Can you hear me now? GOOD!”

The Movie: “High Fidelity”
The Character: Rob Gordon
The Moment: “Charlie! You f$cking bitch! Let’s work this out!”
Why Chosen: I’ve actually done something like this approximately eight times in my life and always wondered how I looked while doing it.

The Movie: “The Karate Kid”
The Character: Daniel Laruso
The Moment: The crane kick heard round the world.
Why Chosen: Some people might wanna go for some elaborate fight scene from “The Matrix” or “Legend of Drunken Master” or something, but for me, this is it. Every time I flip through the television and this is on, I watch it. The scene works especially well if you catch the karate montage set to “You’re the best/Around/And no one’s ever gonna keep you down!” Cuz, you know, them’s be some true lyrics. (And how John Kreese ever let that insanely fat dude into his Cobra Kai dojo is one of the great mysteries in all of cinema. Come on. Cobra Kai consists of Aryan Nation…and the son of Porkins from “Star Wars”. Just weird. But that’s another article for another day.)

The Movie: “Raiders of the Lost Ark”
The Character: Indiana Jones
The Moment: He shoots the sword-wielding assassin like the pimp he is.
Why Chosen: Do I really need to explain this choice?

The Movie: “Moulin Rouge”
The Character: Christian
The Moment: He sings “Your Song” to her.
Why Chosen: Just one of those moments. I actually recreated this in a karaoke bar one night. The Girl wasn’t there. We weren’t ever dating yet. Did it anyways. And hey, got two phone numbers from a pair of insanely drunk nurses thanks to my efforts that night. Not bad.

***

OK, that’s what I’ve got for now. Your turn!