Wading in the Velvet Sea

8:00 pm: Green Day! That’s the way to start the show. No tramps, no trampolines. Just a blazing version of “American Idiot”. Awesome.

8:00 pm: Or a somber version of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”. That also could work. I guess.

8:02 pm: Someone tell the dudes to stop moshing like it’s Limp Bizkit. Also, someone tell the blonde chicks up front to stop doing the running man. Man, I hate white people.

8:03 pm: Storm clouds are being show on a video wall. Eerie symbolism, or the live view from just outside New Orleans? You be the judge.

8:05 pm: I’m digging the fire pods. I hope these are sprinkled liberally and randomly throughout the stage, so there’s always the off chance someone may be instantly set on fire. I’m not going to outwardly advocate anyone’s incineration, but Ashlee Simpson’s got to go. So OK yes, I'm outwardly advocating her incineration.

8:07 pm: They are currently listing who is appearing on the show. It would be much quicker to show who from the world of music, movies, and entertainment is NOT showing up. They could say: “Not appearing tonight: Tom Bosley. And um, that’s it. Here’s Diddy!”

8:08 pm: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that “Diddy” (Sean Combs Version 7.8) loves his water, what with the 10 watery images that have just happened in a row. P. Diddy? Hydrophobic. Diddy? Hydrophilic. It’s progress.

8:09 pm: Sadly Diddy, like P. Diddy, thinks he can dance. Sigh.

8:11 pm: Diddy’s party is a lot like the one I threw in my apartment on Friday, except mine didn’t have any fire, no belly dancers, and I could be wrong, but I’m fairly sure no chicks descended from the ceiling.

8:13 pm: First presenters: Nelly and Lindsey Lohan. Ms. Lohan gives a terrifying glimpse into what Kim Cantrell must have looked like as a teenager.

8:14 pm: Combing the “Best Male” and “Best Female” categories tells me, “Hi, we’re MTV, and we’ve whored ourselves out to more recording artists than ever before and have to fit all their demands onstage so we have even less time for videos that normal and we know you all don’t care anyways.”

8:15 pm: Kelly Clarkson and Kanye West look confused as how to co-accept an award. I’m hoping for a duel using flaming swords.

8:16 pm: I’m on Red Bull #1. Kelly? Red Bull #12. Man. SIMMAH DOWN NOW, Kelly.

8:22 pm: MIssy Elliot and Ciara are introducing Ludacris in front of the largest Macintosh screen saver ever constructed.

8:23 pm: Ludacris is gonna tell us all about pimpin' round the world. This sounds a bit like he's cribbing a bit from one of my friends in college, who unsuccessfully tried to sell this to the Sociology department during an attempt at obtaining grant money to divert into his marijuana fund.

8:25 pm: It's a small world (for pimpin') after all, if this staging be believed.

8:28 pm: Diddy just gave away a watch to some random guy in the crowd. In a possibly related note, eight people in the crowd just got killed.

8:31 pm: I guess no one at MTV watches "Desperate Housewives", since no one in production seemed to know the Eva Longoria was. Awkward. Awkward.

8:33 pm: Presenters for "Best Rock Video": Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst. Orlando's either filming the "Pirates" sequels or he's made the leap directly into gay porn.

8:39 pm: Grand Master Flash asks the crowd to say "Ho!" 20,000 people reply with, "Paris Hilton!"

8:43 pm: I'm not liking this Diddy mantra of "Anything Can Happen". First, Diddy dances, AGAIN. Then, he brings out Hammer for 18 seconds of badly remixed "U Can't Touch This". I'm worry that, for his next trick, Diddy's gonna reunite Color Me Badd.

8:44 pm: Ashlee Simpson (still not on fire) and sister Jessica try to give a shout out to the Dirty South. The Dirty South replies by taking a giant dump in their Louis Viutton handbags.

8:48 pm: Dwayne Wade's inner monologue while standing next to Jessica Alba: "Don't pull a Kobe...do NOT pull a Kobe..."

8:51 pm: MTV! JESUS! Give Shakira a wireless mic! Her arm's covering 8% of those delicious abs.

8:53 pm: Ooooh, I get it. Shakira's Milli Vanilli'ing her way through this so she can pull off those gyrations. If it's between "fully covered torso and live singing" and this, I'd say they chose the better option.

8:55 pm: For those of you who can't speak Spanish, I'll clue you in: he keeps singing, "I'm Not Chris Judd, stop asking."

8:56 pm: My girlfriend just said, "I usually like Shakira, but I'm finding her annoying tonight." Me: "That's because I just asked you for a box of Kleenex and I don't have a cold."

9:00 pm: Usher's the next presenter. Wait, is he wearing Diddy's suit? I think that's the same suit. Can someone do a screen shot comparison? This is creeping me out.

9:01 pm: Clowning Versus Crumping: Sharks Versus Jets it ain't.

9:02 pm: Camera shot of Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas for the 5th time. Either she best take some Preparation H or sit the hell down since not once in the five ties I've seen her has she been sitting down. "Behind Fergie" is officially the worst seat in the house.

9:04 pm: Eric Roberts: "Who loves MTV?" The answer: More people than think Eric Robert's mullet is working for him.

9:06 pm: R. Kelly is about to perform all the roles of "Trapped in the Closet". This might shatter Bill Simmons' Unintentional Comedy Scale forever. As well as shatter my sense of reality. (As with every year, props to Bill for inspiring rundowns such as this...)

9:07 pm: What the...

9:07 pm: Oh no he didn't...

9:08 pm: Is he really...

9:08 pm: Ouch, blood vessel just burst in my brain...

9:11 pm: That sound you hear is R. Kelly's career grinding to a halt. Holy moly. This is "that dude staging the King Arthur art rock opus on ice skates" terrible. This is "Yes, Dear" terrible. Think of the most out-there off-off-off-Broadway production you can think of, and then cover it with hot steaming feces, then let it sit in the sun for a few weeks, and then you'd have this level of production. Wow.

9:22 pm: Now presenting: Hilary Duff and that dude from Good Charlotte with the crappy facial piercings. (Whoops. That's all of them.) Charlotte, be good, and return the other 47% of Ms. Duff. Or at least give her a hoagie to munch on. Work with me, Good Charlotte.

9:24 pm: Lead singer from The Killers needs his meds quickly. I've seen guys act like this before. Usually they are in alleys late at night.

9:26 pm: Lil' Kim's here? Isn't she in jail? Did MTV bust her out? That would be sweet. The MTV Awards could pretend to be, like, a non-extradition country, and the US would be all "Give us Lil' Kim back!" and MTV would be all, "Screw you, you can't have her, capitalist pigs!" and then there would be guns and bloodshed and maybe in this way Ashlee Simpson will finally catch on fire and...oh, she's reporting to jail soon? Oh. Drat. I liked my theory better.

9:37 pm: Won't diss the Notorious BIG tribute or nuttin', but I will say this: I saw John Williams conduct the Boston Pops last night, and needless to say, he didn't do anything Diddy's currently doing while holding a baton. (The Girl just chimed in: "But John Williams can dance better." Good point.)

9:42 pm: I don't watch MTV2, so here's a mini-rant: how is Red Bull legal? I was dead on my feet most of the day, and after drinking one can to make it through these awards, I'm ready to run a marathon while pre-emptively filing my taxes while giving the city of Boston a pedicure. This shit should not be over-the-counter. I'd look at the ingredients to prove my fears to be true, but frankly, I'm terrified to do so. Would probably read something like, "Water, sugar, corn syrup, crack, crystal meth, the blood of a unicorn, some green shit that fell from space, fructose..." To quote a VMA nominee, this shit is bananas.

9:52 pm: Won't say much about the Latin music medley (except these "show lots of people performing but only for 38 seconds" segments are driving me BONKERS) since everything I'd say would insult fans of this diverse musical culture, and I've done enough already to demonstrate that I'm one ig'nant Caucasian as is.

9:54 pm: If Diddy's to be believed, and anything can happen, couldn't something, you know, GOOD happen? Anything?

9:55 pm: Oh, Pharrell's introducing Coldplay. Coldplay's good.

9:56 pm: Except tonight. Wow. Chris Martin must have pissed off the sound tech during rehearsal, because they sound TERRIBLE. The invisible Red Bull-induced spider monkeys agree.

9:57 pm: To make matters worse, there's a typo on the piano. It's not "MTF", Chris. It's WTF. As is, WTF is happening?

10:00 pm: Thank you, Coldplay, for proving the $50 I didn't spend on tickets to see you live was a wise investment decision. Let's pretend this never happened.

10:10 pm: Poor Kelly Clarkson. She'll never be selected as the leader of an Outward Bound trip after her attempt to get her Best Pop Video Award. Poor. Sense. Of. Direction. I think at one point she ended up in the ladies room.

10:12 pm: Today's study question: has anyone on the planet gotten more ass in the last 12 months than Jamie Foxx? Doubtful.

10:15 pm: Then again, his 2005 reads like this. "Wins Oscar." "Dies first in 'Stealth'." "Plays role of Kanye's dancer bitch." Hrm.

10:25 pm: Wow. When Dane Cook bombs, you know the show is terrible. That was uncomfortable to watch. Not as uncomfy as saying watching your folks engage in sexual role-play, but still. Uncomfy.

10:30 pm: Reeling from the triumvirate of Dane Cook bombing, the stoner experience that was The Killers rambling, and the invisible elves telling me to ditch blogging and take up commemorative plate collecting.

10:36 pm: OK, who's the prankster who glued Mariah's shoes to the stage? She hasn't moved in 3 minutes. Kinda just standing there and quite probably lip-synching even though her intro prominently called attention to her voice, not her overall talent. Oh, there she goes, walking and talking at the SAME TIME. Go here, I guess. Well, look on the bright side: least she didn't rent out a hotel for her performance and then empty it of people to combat her insane stagefright. Oh wait...

10:44 pm: I'm sitting here trying to think what could make this show go from "unmemorable" to "memorable". I think that John Lennon and George Harrison would have to rise from the grave, reunite onstage with John and Ringo, perform the entirety of "Sgt. Pepper", set Ashlee Simpson on fire, and then circle jerk each other in front of Kurt Loder. I think something on that level of magnitude is needed here.

10:47 pm: 50 Cent's onstage. I hate this song. Makes me wanna roll up my sleeves, just a little bit...sharpen that knife, just a little bit...cut myself up, just a little bit...watch the blood flow, just a little bit...see it hit the floor, just a little bit...pass out from the pain, just a little bit...

10:51 pm: Whoa, 50 Cent's mad at Kanye 'bout sumthin' sumthin'. Maybe Kanye arranged for 50 to sit behind Fergie during the show. That would justify the 30-second stream of expletives that barely got contained by the censors. (UPDATE: Guess he was mad at Fat Joe. Oh well. Guess I should have watched VH1's "Forty Hottest Rap Beefs".)

10:59 pm: The crowd breaks out some umbrellas during the performance of My Chemical Romance. Ostensibly to protect themselves from the shit raining down from the stage. (I know I'm getting old, but really, this is music today? Excuse me while I get my cane to beat these scalywags.)

11:02 pm: Yes, my tampering pays off: my "automatically MUTE when Paris Hilton appears onscreen" hack worked!

11:05 pm: They just announced Kelly Clarkson will be the final act. Few years ago it was the surprise one-off of Guns N' Roses. This year? "Since U Been Gone" for the 8,000,000th time this year. Just sayin'. For the record. And stuff.

11:14 pm: Jamie Foxx introduces Destiny's Child in their farewell appearance. Beyonce seems pretty happy about her future prospects. The other two? Yea, not so much.

11:17 pm: OK, MTV told me "Kelly Clarkson next", not "Kelly Clarkson soaking wet and writhing about next". I wouldn't have been so cynical had they clued me in a bit more.

11:18 pm: "Oh my God," The Girl just said. "I'm mouthing along." In related news, we're old and boring.

***

Whew. There's the recap. I'll add a bit more tomorrow, but there you have every thought as I had them. Hope you enjoyed the recap.