Wading in the Velvet Sea

I mean, where do I start? Do I need to explain weather patterns to you? Climate variation? Tidal influence? Or do these things not fit in with your world view? Do none of these elements contain enough intelligent design for your ignorant asses?

If God wanted to smote the wicked, would he really be smoting the poorest of the poor down there? Wouldn’t the floodwaters be rife with beads floating atop the muck if he really wanted that? Or is simple proximity to said sin enough to justify the washing away of their worldy possessions/loved one? If simple proximity is itself a sin, I’m in trouble, since I live near your church and am in danger of being smitten (and not in the good, puppy-love way) by stupidity by association.

And shouldn’t you yourselves worry? After all, you are in Massachusetts, land of the sinful practice of allowing homosexuals to, gasp, get married. Bet there’s a tsunami with your name on it, people. Why stick around? Why not a sign that says, “Screw all, y’all, we’re heading to the Bible Belt, hope you have waterproof sandwich bags, you’ll need ‘em.” I mean, Provincetown is NOT that far away, and God, as you’ve already determined, is both forceful and inaccurate: you can’t count on Him to wash away merely the sodomites. Your monogamous, missionary-position-only-for-the-purpose-of-procreation asses ain’t gonna be saved.

And just as an aside, can you help me understand why it’s called the “missionary position”? Seems a bit weird to include religious iconography to the bumping of the uglies. Or did they leave that bit out of bible study, along with the existence of genetalia? Maybe the old-school missionary men could only sway heathens to the Lord by taking them to O-Town. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it, if for no other reason than I’m sure it makes you mad to read it, and making you mad is as easy as stumping Paris Hilton on a math problem.

Sorry, I’m gonna go to go with “natural disaster”. Unlike your toupee. That’s a manmade disaster. Good lord, is it ever. You’re fooling no one. Just like you’re fooling no one when you pock a house of worship with hate-filled signs such as this. How any organization, religious or otherwise, can take this and use it to prey on people’s fears…well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Saw the church near my office filled to the brim on September 12, 2001, spilling out into Copley Square. Saw the fear and panic. Saw the questioning eyes. Saw the smallness they felt. And rather than use your chance to do some good, you used it to promote hate and fear and your own coffers through a second weekly collection that preyed upon people’s insecurities.

After all, it’s easier to think someone’s in control, right? That’s what people want to believe. And very few can reconcile the existence of a God that exists but does nothing. Too many can’t escape the visualization of God as a person, and a person should always help another person, right? Unless they are flashing their boobs on Bourbon Street. In which case, find a big-ass bucket of water and dump it until they drown. You realize people workship a piece of burnt toast out of their innate desire to feel they have some purpose in the universe and take that belief and twist it until they are so scared they’ll blindly accept anything on a billboard. After all, it’s a small leap from fear to conformity. Much better to be part of a group than alone.

Sorry, I’m kind of a loner myself. Have a few friends, and some family, and I’m pretty much OK with that. Spirituality? Sure, I have some, but I have it on my own terms. It’s something I’m working on. An ongoing process. Unlike you, I don’t pretend to have all the answers. Something my own brand of Christianity doesn’t like, either. Anything less that abject didacticism is apparently horrible to “The Church”, so far as I see it. And crap like this sign don’t dissuade me from the notion that I can be a better Christian…hell, a better PERSON…by abstaining from the weekly drivel that is Mass and working towards incorporating the morality I admire and discard the dogma I despite.

Because when you’re posting signs like this, you’re not actually positing a question. You’re merely installing a billboard. And trying to debate the topic with you would be like debating that billboard itself. The disservice you are doing your worshippers and your fellow supposed brothers and sisters in humanity couldn’t be topped is Ashlee Simpson decided to record a version of Led Zeppelin’s“When the Levee Breaks” for charity. It’s awful. It’s deplorable. And, sadly, I’m sure it’s only one of hundreds of instances all across the country now, as people retreat from reason and follow their fears.

And you’re helping lead the march, New England Baptist Church. You and your propaganda posing as preaching. A million man march back into the stone age. Sorry, but if it’s all the same to you, I’ll be over here, marching in the opposite direction. Don’t know where I’m going, and I know that uncertainty scares the, well, bejesus out of you, but that’s where I’m heading. I’m going there because it’s the only place I can go, and whether or not you know it, it’s the only place you can go as well.

Hope to see you down the road.

One day.

Hopefully sooner rather than later.

UPDATE: That didn't take long.