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May 25, 2006
Charlie and the Blogging Factory
What the…? Oh, it’s you. Seriously, don’t sneak up on me like that again. No, it’s not because I’ll have an accident in my diaper. I have those with or without people sneaking up on me. It’s just that I just elevated two skill sets in my ninja training, and if I hadn’t just attained a keener sense of my surroundings, I could have instinctively killed you with a quick chop to the throat. So, it’s in your best interest not to do that again. Just hit up my Sidekick next time. It works for Firecrotch Lohan; it can work for you.
I’ve mainly been kicking back since my birthday, laying low after that epic bash. Lifetime filmed the gala for its upcoming series, “My Fantastic First”, its answer to “My Sweet Sixteen”. I may not have had Kayne play my birthday, and maybe I didn’t get two cars even though what I in fact deserved was six months in Gitmo, but still, there should be enough hedonism for the Lifetime demo to guarantee I can my own spin-off series: “Charlie in Charge”. C’mon, what else could it be called?
Anyways, I’m back because Ryan’s been flooded with emails, and forwarded them onto me. Clearly, there’s great interest in what I’ve been up to. I tried to have my publicist send out a generic press release, but it turns out that my publicist is in fact a stuffed animal, therefore inanimate, and therefore has been summarily fired. Guess I have to do my own replies here. You probably want thousands of words about my recent travails. Well, luckily for me, a picture is worth a thousand words, so that should help stave off carpal tunnel a bit longer.
The (Really) Young Republicans were kind enough to throw me a birthday gala, in addition to the one thrown by my parents. Inside the card on my right: my very first mutual fund. Three minutes later, I tried to eat said fund.
I told my mother, “Look, Mother, I don’t care if this was recommended by Oprah or not, there’s no way I’m clapping my hands unless I wanna clap my hands. I am an individual! I possess autonomy! I am not a number, I am a person! I must stop watching 'The Prisoner'! Clearly it's freaking me out!”
When I have too much to drink, they put me in the bag. It’s just what happens.
DOING THINGS IS WHAT I LIKE TO DO…sniff.
There are times, riding down that great big road of life, when you have to look out the window, take in your surroundings, and wonder why I’m an infant yet sometimes look like I have the soul of a seventy-year old who is the last surviving member of his battalion.
Just like the Pied Piper
Led rats through the streets
We dance like marionettes,
Swaying to the Symphony...
Of Destruction
Heh. Megadeath rules. This song was going through my head when I went all Jules from “Pulp Fiction” on this cake. I mean, I struck that cake down with great vengeance and furious anger, let me tell you.
Not only was I the guest of honor at my own party, but I also provided entertainment. Here, I float my rattle using my very mind. Suck on that, David Blaine.
Oh yea, this is last night, when I found out what happens when you don’t press the button every 108 minutes on “Lost”.
OK, so I thought was putting on a brave face for my buddies here. I thought the good ol’ thumbs up would let them know I was well on my way to hittin’ that. Turns out my face betrays my true emotions at this point. (Needless to say, no phone number was obtained.)
***
OK, y’all, that’s about all the insight I have time for today. Can’t give it all away at once, otherwise, you’d never come back for more. I learned my lesson from the band Boston: great first record, and OK, “Amanda” is kinda cool, but basically, they had nothing in the tank after their first record. Charlie don’t go out like dat. He talks about himself in the third person, but he does NOT go out like that.
Just so we’re all clear.
Posted by Ryan McGee at May 25, 2006 10:06 AM