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July 12, 2006
Ring Around the "Rocky"
When news of a new “Rocky” movie surfaced late last year, I figured Stallone had finally taken one too many to the head. After all, if you watched the first iteration of “The Contender” (and judging by the ratings, you didn’t), you saw a guy who seemed to talk to co-host Sugar Ray Leonard as if they were both former boxers. Really creepy. What’s next? Maybe Steven Seagal will show up on “Hell’s Kitchen” and give advice on making the best bolognaise possible…while simultaneously slitting someone’s throat on a Naval warship.
Turns out, there’s finally a trailer for the movie, and…hrm, actually doesn’t look half bad. To me, the series peaked in this, the mother of all montages. I mean, this is the montage that helped topple not only Ivan Drago, but the hearts and minds of all Russians, for crying out loud! That’s a powerful montage! But there’s probably a market for “Rocky Balboa”, and if it makes even a bit of coin, I am sure we’ll see “Rocky 7: Seventh Heaven” or something like that fairly soon thereafter.
With that in mind, I’ve provided a possible list of opponents for Rocky in that 7th go-around. They’ve got some young stud named Mason 'The Line' Dixon (no joke) lined up for the upcoming flick, and while that seems nice and all, I think the next chapter in this “Harry Potter”-esque septilogy should take it up a notch. Break the fold. Strike a pose. There’s nothing to it.
After all, you have to strike while the iron’s hot…and, um, before his man-breasts don’t slip below his navel. Movie executives: no need for reimbursement if you use any of these ideas. Just let me know when Eliza Dushku might be back in the Greater Boston area and we’ll call it even.
Without further ado, The Top Ten Potential Opponents for Rocky Should They Make “Rocky 7”:
10) Osama Bin Laden (unless that’s the plan for “Rambo IV”)
9) An evil, power-mad Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot
8) Boba Fett
7) The stool that paralyzed Hilary Swank in “Million Dollar Baby”
6) Helena
5) That one dude Simon and Garfunkel sang about
4) Sylvester The Cat, to determine once and for all the superior Sylvester
3) The business manager who thought “Planet Hollywood” was a sound investment
2)Adrian’s Zombie Corpse
1) His prostate
Feel free to leave your suggestions below!
Posted by Ryan McGee at July 12, 2006 09:47 AM
Comments
Is there honestly any doubt that I will see this movie the first night? No...of course not. This is Rocky for god sake. I was tearing up watching the trailer.
It doesn't matter what anyone says about how ludicrous it is. Of course it's ludicrous. But myself and millions of others DO NOT CARE.
I also need to say that if you are frequenter of the gym as I am trying to be of late. You need to get yourself The Rocky Story on the IPod. The thing is like mainline oxygen when you are on the treadmill. You tell me that you are going to quit when you got the Training Montage going in your ears. No. Impossible
Posted by: Nick M. at July 12, 2006 11:58 AM