Wading in the Velvet Sea

OK, bad start to the trip. I mean, I don’t wanna come across as a wimp here. And obviously I haven’t been around on this planet a long time. But I can say, unequivocally, that this is the worst wedgie I’ve ever had in my entire life. Thanks, Dad. You’re a champ.

Whew, had to walk that off for a while. It was the kind of wedgie that alters your perspective on life and everything in it. And yes, I’m crying a little here, which is why my back’s to the camera. But I did at least take this alone time to practice a little dancing. Because I love it when I 1,2 step.

Here’s my ode to LL Cool J. Why should he get all the fun, rocking the skullcap? Anything he can do, I can do better. Just call me LL Charlie D.

OK, I’ve got the skullcap, which has put me in a better mood, so I’ve sorta forgiven Dad for hoisting up my pants over my nipples earlier in the day. To celebrate the skullcap, and all its inherent coolness, I’m gonna pull off the muther of all slide rides. I’m talking flips, skips, turns, and a dismount that will put Rodney Dangerfield’s “Triple Lindey” to shame. (Come on, a “Back to School” reference! Tell me you got that! Ryan would be so proud.) OK, so have your camera ready to record some history.

What in the name of Dora The Explorer do you mean the camera didn’t capture it? Are you freakin’ serious? That was epic! That was like real epic, not “My Morning Glory performing before the 2006 VMAs faux epic”. I landed that solid! Oh, this is ridiculous. Mom! Between this and the wedgie-giving man you married, you’re both having a crap day as parents.

That’s it, come with me. We’re going across the street. Maybe the neighbors saw it. They’re always looking at us through the window. Watching. Always watching. Sometimes with their shirts off. What do you mean, “What are you talking about?” And why do you look so frightened?

Hey, guess who I am impersonating? Yup, good ol’ Ryan! He drinks this stuff usually straight out of the keg tap, but apparently social decorum dictates he should drink out of one of these bottles. And no, I’m not actually drinking out of this. Don’t get all upset. I’d never drink a Sam Adams Octoberfest, and my parents would never allow it. We’re a Schlitz family, all da way.

OK, check it out, I’m gonna totally do Ryan, you ready? “Yea, Lost is the best show ever, and like, time is totally weird on this island, and if you listen closely, the song in this scene was played for 1.7 seconds in one flashback early in Season 1, and I know this because I have no life!” Heh. Am I good or am I good? Want me to talk about how I play more videogames at age 30 than I did at age 8? Or should I dance around like a moron? He does that a lot. The dancing bit? Roger that. Lemmee just go get the skullcap first. Meet me outside.

Oh doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it well…she represent Queens, I was raised out in Brooklyn! Nice work, everyone. Now, quick, air drums! Awww yea!

Whew, that dance party was fun, but wow, check this out, y’all. It’s shiny and yellow. I like things that are shiny and yellow. I wanna eat it.

What are you saying, I can’t eat this? But like, I wanna. I really wanna. Everything in my body is screaming, “Put that in your mouth.” And now you want me to violate my very nature? As the former Mrs. Bobby Brown would say, hell to the no!

Mwahaha! Charlie serves no master but his own ambition! He runs havoc over your “rules” and your “regulations”! Ha! I’m so excited I just soiled myself. And you have to clean it up! Hahaha! Boy, life doesn’t get any better than this.

Sure, my parents put me in solitary for my transgression, but man, totally worth it. Because for a minute, I was as free as a bird. And this bird you cannot change.

***

And that’s where I’m writing you from, solitary. Not as bad as the solitary in “Shawshank”, but then again, I didn’t call Mommy And Wedgie-o-Matic 3000 “obtuse”, either, so that makes a modicum of sense.

See you when I get out, y’all. Dance party in my backyard. I’ll provide the music, Mom and Dad will provide the Sam Adams, and you all provide your best Ryan McGee impersonation. Winner gets to see our next-door neighbors press their nipples up against the glass.